Friday, November 16, 2012

broken families.

Relationships are messy. Families are messy too.

We long for someone, yet when we get them, we eventually get tired of them and long for someone else. Or we give up strength. Or decide we chose the wrong person. Whatever the course.. the relationships ends.
Pain ensues.
Loss.
Not just for us... but also for the people around us...

Last night I cried a big messy bundle of tears. I won't get into the whole story but basically I was reminded of how painful life is... and how much I HATE broken relationships.

It started around midnight when I was talking with Shaun (my sweet husband) about how much I miss my younger sister's ex-fiance.

Yes. Ex-fiance.

They were scheduled to marry in July of this year, but unfortunately it didn't work out.

The hardest part of it all was that Shaun and I were EXTRA involved. This relationship involved two people that are some of the closest to us in our lives.

When they broke up I felt like I was losing a little brother.

(Shaun has reassured me that I didn't really lose him... but it feels like it sometimes)

So last night as we are talking through the idea of broken relationships and family loss...

I lost it.

Seriously lost it.

We are staying at a church with the Calling All Skaters DTS and despite the fact that it was midnight... and raining... I left the building.

I walked out into the rain in my pj's and cried and cried and prayed and prayed and cried some more.

I told God how mad and sad I was and how (pardon me) shitty it is that all of these relationships around me fail and I end up getting hurt even though I didn't choose it.

I cried about my parents divorce. About getting on the bus with my mom and leaving my dad in Korea when I was 8 years old. About his new wife and how replaced I felt at the time. I cried about my mom being a lesbian and her relationship with my other mom...and how that didn't work out. I cried about that ending... and my other mom leaving... and the fact that I havent seen her sons (my brothers) in way too long. I cried about the fact that they promised nothing would change and yet still everything did. I cried about seeing my half-brother marry and then divorce when I was young. And I cried about Meredith's failed engagement. (even though I KNOW its for the better.... and I adore her new boyfriend.... when you love someone deeply... you ache for them deeply too.) 

I didn't choose any of that.

It all just happened to me.

Family happened. I loved them like crazy. And then it ended...

And somehow I was just supposed to carry on and be okay. Ready to love again.
 ....

But last night as I cried and cussed and was soaked by the rain, I learned something...

This world we live in is very broken. It is not as it should be... and we all feel it. We do our best to relate to one another and build healthy families, but even our best often leads to heartache. 

We look for remedies to ease the pain... food, alcohol, shopping, flirting, cutting, smoking, even new relationships... anything to offer freedom from our hurting hearts. But in the end we are still broken.
And the pain is still there.

But as I talked to Jesus last night, expressing how mad I was at Him, but also asking for His help... because even though I get mad at Him... I have learned that He is the only One who can save me... and He can handle my anger...

I felt Him remind me of a parable He shared while He walked the earth.

He basically said that the person who listens to Him and obeys His word is like a man who builds his house on a solid rock, that when the storm comes, the house will not fall down. But He said that the person who hears His words but does not obey is like a man who builds his house on sand- when the storm comes, the house will come tumbling down.

He is my security. His words will keep me standing even when the storms of life are raging. 

Relationships end. Families break. People leave. But in the midst of all of that we can find peace as we rest in the faithful love of Jesus. He doesn't leave us. He keeps us strong. He heals our pain.

So fastforward a couple of hours. The tears stopped. I'm laying in bed, snuggled up in the arms of my precious husband (who was praying for me, comforting me, and talking me through the emotions of the night), and I realize...

though my family has had its bumps and bruises over the years... ultimately I can be grateful for all of the additional family members that have been added along the way...

stepmoms.
stepbrothers.
nieces.
other families that have 'adopted us' into their lives.

even the little brother that I felt like I lost... isn't lost at all. and his future wife will be another sister for me. and Meredith's future husband will be another little brother...

and the family continues to grow...

as I continue to love...

and trust in Christ... my only true source of stability. 


Thank you Lord for my family. I so love them. And thank You for my friends who read my blog. Please bless our lives and help us to have relationships that resemble how You relate to us. Help us to love like You do. Please bless Shaun too. I adore him. Thank you for such a wonderfully understanding husband. 
I love You Jesus. Amen. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jess..I love you..just so you know...
Blessings / Rebecca Å

Catherine Wilson said...

I have cried the same tears of loss and pain for myself and the loss and pain I caused you by my choices. There is so much I would do differently if I had it all to do over again.So now I try to do better and live my life with God always at the center. You and your sister are gifts from God,I have learned so much from you. I apologize for how mistakes and wrong doing hurt you so deeply. I am grateful you have Shaun he is a true blessing. I too have been mourning our most recent loss,but you are right he is not gone we just need to love him in a new way. I love you, thank you for your honesty and wisdom,God Bless you, Mama :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Jess, it was probably God's hand which from the start, about 1 year ago, led me to read your blog now and then when I felt like being encouraged. And now I get a better sense why. Not only do I also struggle with Identity, self-confidence, confidence in God and in my future, but from your post I just realized I have been going through the same kind of family struggles, only not when I was a kid, as it all started about 2 years ago.

My parents divorced and it turned out my father was gay. Now I am not one of those people who believes homosexuality is wrong or sinful. If there is one thing that my father's experience taught me is that being gay is not a choice you make and that no matter how hard you try to "change" and to hide it to yourself and the persons close to you, it always ends up showing up again, even after 30 years of marriage. Nevertheless, a divorce is always hard to deal with as children, even when you're past twenty, and discovering your father i gay brings up a lot of questions about identity, family relationships etc. And how true is it that parents sometimes don't get how hurtful all this can be for the kids and how everything changes even if they always assured you nothing would. My mother has thankfully found a new partner and even if I am super happy for her, I can't help but feel like I am being replaced at times, just like you said you felt when your father found a new wife. ANYWAY, many things in your story that reminds me of mine, and I am thankful you shared it so I know I'm not the only one getting through these king of struggles.