|[photo from Pinterest]|
Good morning lovelies,
I hope you are doing well today! I am sitting outside in the courtyard of our YWAM campus praying about what to share with you on this sunny Wednesday.
It's not that I am short on things to share... trust me, when it comes to words, I have a surplus.. I just haven't decided where to start and I'm trying to steer clear of rambling.
Okay, I've decided where I'll start. I'll start here---
I have been afraid of fully putting myself out there.
And by "I have been"... I mean "I am currently"...
&& I'm sharing this with you mainly because I feel like I am not alone in it.
I am afraid of fulling stepping out and sharing who I am, because I fear the rejection that may come afterward.
Shaun always jokes about his biggest fear in life--
his biggest fear is that he would throw a party and no one would come.
Not literally necessarily, but mainly just the idea, like that he would organize something and put his whole heart into it, but at the end of the day, nobody would be into it... and it would flop.
I think his fear is not so far off from mine. I fear taking a risk and committing to something, because in doing that I just might fail.
I feel it in so many ways, even little silly things... I'll give you some examples, so that perhaps you can see if there are areas of your heart where you share my struggle:
-With this blog~ I struggle with how people will receive my posts, especially because I am painfully vulnerable on here, and so if rejection happens then it will go straight to my core... so this plays out in my posting. I type a blog post, but then I don't tell people about it, or share it on Facebook, because it is too scary to think that people will actually come read what I wrote.
-With dance~ I allow comparison to keep me from calling myself a "dancer"... instead I just say that "I love to dance".. because once I call identify myself as a dancer, then there is room for me to be a "bad dancer", but if I just love to dance then there is no expectation for me to be good. That means if one day I do well in dance, its a fun surprise, but if I do poorly, then its no big deal. But ultimately this keeps me from trying as hard as I want to... so I just remain where I'm at... which is wholly unsatisfying.
-With sharing my opinion~ Especially in places where there are other educated, or seemingly more qualified people, I tend to hold my tongue, even when I think I really might have the right answer.
-With my appearance~ I fear trying too hard to put together a great outfit that may catch the attention of others... because in pleasing some I am sure I will look like a fool to others. If I remain simply a girl who likes to be pretty, without taking risks, then I'll avoid criticism from the intimadating fashionistas that I encounter in LA & NYC. It even comes out when I am deciding what shoes to wear, even though I enjoy a great pair of heels, sometimes I feel like that puts me on display too much... so I make a decision to "hide" behind flats and an outfit that is nice, but ultimately lacks anything that would cause people to look twice at me.
Okay so just for clarification, here is what I am NOT saying:
I am NOT saying that I want to find my identity in my blog, or ministry, or dance, or my appearance. I am NOT saying that I need to look flashy like Barbie in order to overcome my fear. I am also NOT saying that anytime I wear flats and a hoodie you need to be concerned that I am stricken with fear
... it may just be laundry day.
I am simply saying that there is a part of my heart that has resorted to "hiding"-- out of fear.
The problem with it is that though outwardly the symptoms of my hiding are subtle, the unsatisfying feeling inside of me is not quite as inconspicuous. Its a nagging ache, like a pulled muscle, I feel the pain of it constantly, but to others is goes unnoticed.
Scripture says specifically that we are not meant to hide, we are meant to shine. (Matthew 5:16)
In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
Shining is a big deal, because hiding and shining can't happen at the same time. It's one or the other.
And God is not calling us to shine because of our own qualifications, He has called us to shine because of Christ inside of us.
He has plans and purposes for us that will only prevail because of who He is. And if we want to walk in these things then we need to allow our minds to be renewed and transformed by His word, so that we can walk out confidently in the direction of the dreams He has put within us.
We need His perspective of ourselves. That way when thoughts spring up that attempt to hinder us, we can be aggressive to combat them with truth.
Recently I was reading in 1 Samuel when God chooses Saul to be king over Israel. Saul is described as "more handsome than anyone in Israel," and it says about him in verse 10:24 "Do you see whom the Lord has chosen, there is no one like him among all of Israel?" NO ONE LIKE HIM IN ALL OF ISRAEL? That's a huge statement coming from the God of the universe.
And yet when all of the people have gathered for the big moment to make Saul king...
they can't find him anywhere. No where... he is just gone.
So they end up praying and asking God where he is (which shows that they knew of no where else to look!)
and God says,
"There he is, hidden among the equipment." (v. 10:22)
Really? Saul is hiding? God has picked him over everyone else to fulfill the role of king... and he is hiding?
Somehow I take comfort in that, because it is exactly the place I have found myself in, more often than I would like to admit.
I imagine that if Saul believed the things that God had spoken about him, he wouldn't be hiding. He would be bold, ready to take on the calling that God had given him.
I need that boldness. You do too precious ones. We all do.
Because the things that God has purposed in His heart for us to do require courage.
They require us to shine.
In walking out in His desires for our lives, we need to decide within ourselves to lay down the fear that is constantly biting at our heels. We need to embrace the reality of His presence.
As we live fully dependent on Christ, trading the lies of this world for the truth of His Word,
we will radiate a magnificent light that is not only beautiful, but powerful, and life-giving.
So sweet friends, I know this has been somewhat of a novel, but if I wrote all of this out for no other reason, than simply to believe it for my own life. It will have been worth it.
No more fear. It's time to sparkle and shine.
|proof that I'm being brave and wearing some heels :)|