Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Clean house. Clean heart.

I am going to share something with you, it may become something that annoys you about me, or you may be able to relate... but no matter your response, it will still be true about me.

I am a CLEAN person... like the kind of person who feels stressed when things are out of order. 

I have been hating myself for it recently, because I married a husband who is particularly gifted at functioning in the midst of chaos... so I am fighting like crazy to learn to be okay with chaos, and in the process I am not always very nice to him.

The thing is, I feel kind of crazy inside when my house is messy. Which is often. Because my sweet husband is like a tornado of goodness, perfection... and clutter. (Truly, Shaun is the best, so my heart is in no way trying to make him look bad- in fact, I'm the one who could use some work here- but I'm just being honest about our situation.)

Honestly I even feel afraid of becoming a mom one day because I don't want to be that mom who is constantly nagging at my little ones to tidy things up. But I could see myself being that way because I so desire things to be neat.

So actually, I am at a loss for what to do right now and I think that's how I've ended up spewing my dilemma onto my keyboard, and ultimately onto you.

I am working on my heart so that even when things get crazy in my house I can still be gentle, loving, and patient to the people around me. Especially to Shaunny. Because I know that is what God has called me to and His grace is there for me to do it.

But I am also working on a strategy that can meet both my needs and Shaun's needs in a practical way...
because as crazy as it makes me to have random things lying all over my house,
it makes him crazy when he can't find things because I have put them somewhere other than where he left them.
(I remember thinking as a teenager that once I got married I would just walk around the house wearing lingerie all the time and making mac n cheese for my handsome husband whenever he got hungry- haha for some reason things like a messy house never got factored into my illusion...)

Anyway, somehow I need to find space for Shaun to have a "mess", because he functions better that way.
But I also need to find a way to have overall order, so that we don't pile up stuff on every available space, because for some reason I am a girl who feels better when things are tidy.

In the meantime I am praying that Jesus will wash my heart and help me to embrace how He has made me, so that I can be a blessing to the people around me, even when naturally I would tend towards being stressed. 

All that to say, I am still on this journey learning to be me, and though this is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, I hope I get it figured out soon because I think it will be extra helpful for my future.

If you have any advice please share, I am SO ready to learn.

This photo is from Saturday after Christina, Caren & I got done spending a few hours at Manhattan Beach. The time with them helped me realize, once again, how important it is to hear how God is moving in other people's lives. It is SO faith building. It's crazy because even though I see Him at work all the time, I can still struggle inside to have faith. But after listening to these girls share testimonies of Jesus performing miracles in their lives, my weary heart was strengthened.  It's like the line from one of my favorite songs, "Overcome", by the Desperation Band back in Colorado Springs, "We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."

No comments: