alive is beautiful.

It was almost 9ish in the PM and he was ready to go out. I had to remind myself to enjoy the spontaneity of it because the planner in me already had the night on lock and there was no ‘adventure with husband’ anywhere on the agenda. There were other things like: tidy up bedroom, go for a jog, and watch some of new friend Carly’s youtube video’s; but I thought husband would be with the skaters last night so I strategically planned a night to get things done. Anyway I put my plans on hold so I could go out with Shaunny which was much better anyway, and it really didn't matter except for the fact that I had been sitting most of the day so I had really wanted to jog. 

I started quietly thinking about my body while we were driving to the store. I had eaten a lot throughout the day. I recounted it, which is what usually happens in my brain on big eating days, it's like all the food I ate stares me right in the face, shaking its head and pointing its finger at me for eating so much. Big bowl of cereal for breakfast. Bigger than normal. Extra snack. Big lunch. Extra bread at lunch. Chips. Big dinner. Chips again after dinner. I didn’t mean to eat so much but I felt unusually hungry so I just kept going. Being on my period is probably most of the reason for my monstrous appetite this week, which answers the question that some of you were thinking... no, I'm not pregnant.... but regardless, the big eating day had my mind whirling.... "big eating" means "big body".... the fear was starting to settle in. 

We stopped at Rite Aid and Lay's BBQ Stax were on sale for a dollar, the kind that come in the Pringles type can, Shaun bought them excitedly because of course it was a great deal, and he gave me a few chips. I ate them and silently regretted it. I was thinking to myself, “...I was supposed to be jogging now, instead I am eating Lay’s...” 

Then after a few more errands Shaun decided he was in the mood for pizza. I know he sounds like a teenage boy, and he kind of is, or at least he would definitely eat like one if he didn't have a wife. He was extra sweet though and despite my obvious hesitation, he insisted that it would be fun to have a late night date. He was right.  So at almost 10pm we found an awesome pizza place in Montrose and each of us ordered a slice. I felt anxious about more food, but tried to relax and enjoy being with him.

The slices were New York style so “one slice” was actually more like 2 or 3 normal slices anywhere else. Mine had spinach and ricotta on it, my favorite. I had to keep to reminding myself how much I loved it because the fear of getting fat was growing louder and louder in my head. 

We found a bench outside by the street because the pizza place was closing. I ate most of my pizza, leaving only a little piece to take home. Shaun and I had a great conversation. We laughed a lot and talked about important things and silly things and I chose to be present. I chose to enjoy him and to enjoy the creamy ricotta and the fluffy crust and the perfect California weather. It was a choice and I knew it. A choice to quiet my fear of getting fat and to be alive to Shaun in that moment. Thankfully I did it.  

When we got home I went for a walk around the parking lot of the church. I listened to music and prayed and I surrendered my body to God, again. 

If you have spent much time on this blog you know that I am someone who values health. We only have one body and it is important to take care of it, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You know that. But my post today is not about that. I don’t need to remind you to eat well and exercise. I don’t need to tell you that drinking water is important and vegetables are important, and the occasional ice cream or late night pizza date is important too because health is holistic, and emotions and relationships with people are just as important as our diets. No, you already know all these things. 

Today I simply felt to remind us that being beautiful is about so much more than our appearance. If I could make you a coffee and tell you this stuff in person I would, but since we are here and I'm staring at a screen instead of into your gorgeous eyes, I'll trust that you will hear this like I feel it.

New mama. I could see you rocking your new baby last night on your front porch as I was walking around the parking lot of the church. It was beautiful. I wanted to tell you that it’s okay if your body doesn’t look like it did 10 months ago. Give yourself grace. You will get the hang of this mom thing and your body will adjust to her new role sooner than you think. You are working miracles right now in nourishing that little one with your very being. You may not look like you wish you did, but I see you, and I think you are exquisite. Beauty is not about having a tiny waist. Beauty is more alive than that. It nourishes and blesses. It comforts and soothes. It loves tenderly even when no one else sees. 

New bride. I hear you. You worked so hard to feel beautiful in that dress and then on the honeymoon you relaxed. The only trouble is that relaxing felt like “getting fat” and now you are home and he wants your body but you want to hide it because you are mad at it for getting bigger. I know sweet one. You’re okay. You are beautiful. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is more alive than that. It welcomes and invites. It radiates with joy and allures with the authentic self, not the perfect self, but the broken self that is dearly loved anyway. 

Girlfriend. I know. All the songs make it seem so good to be you. "Feeling 22". But mostly you feel lonely and confused, smiling on the outside, aching on the inside. No dinner again tonight, because you’re “not hungry.” So hungry. Painfully hungry. Hungry for encouragement. Hungry for someone to see you and know you and remind you that you have what it takes. So you skip meals hoping that even with all those other things missing, at least if you have control, you will feel better. Pretty girl. Beauty is not controlling. Beauty is more alive than that. Beauty confesses. Beauty acknowledges the need to be loved and it is a lover too. Beauty dreams and believes and tries and fails. 

We all long to be beautiful. We were created to be beautiful. But we are daily bombarded with this idea that beauty is an outside thing relating only to our size and skin and hair and clothes. So we get anxious on days when we eat more than we wanted too, and we get deceived into seeing our wonderful seasons of life as our "fat seasons". We find ourselves anxiously trying to rush through them rather than slowing down and soaking them up. 

But beauty is available to us here and now. It is not something that will happen to us once we change this or fix that. It's not a number on the scale or a smaller pant size. Beauty is more alive than that and we have the opportunity to choose beauty today. Exactly where we are. Exactly how we are. We can eat the pizza. We can rock the baby. We can invite people into our story. We can allow the good stuff and the bad stuff and the everything else stuff to just be. We don't have to hide, because hiding isn't protecting us anyway, it is stealing the joy that could be ours by poisoning us with fear. Like the fear of getting fat. Let's reject that fear and choose to be present in this moment. 

Let's come alive friends. Because alive is beautiful. 

in light of fall arriving, a photo from last fall taken by the ever lovely Sarah Grunder. 

Camp. A blog post from Spain.

(This post was written sometime in early July.)

Estter is the director of the camp we are leading here in Barcelona right now. She is a beautifully passionate 28 year old with plugs in her earlobes, a couple dread locks with beads under her perfectly wild curls, and a tattoo on her wrist of the world-map. She is the kind of girl that you would expect to see sitting in a park somewhere with a bunch of hippies playing djembe drums or dancing around on the beach with her layers of colorfully thrifted clothes bouncing around as she moves.
But instead she spends her days here with us at this camp for Spanish youth. I snapped this photo during one of our morning staff meetings. She thinks it makes her look serious.
I think it makes her look awesome.

--

I cried the morning the camp started. I didn't want to work the camp. Not even a little.
Shaun had been telling me for months that it would be good for us to serve this ministry and I believed him, because he is usually right about these things, but I still cried. I tearfully told him I was angry that we were doing this. I was not angry enough to quit, just angry enough to cry and need a hug and some hearty encouragement.

If God sees everything we are doing here on earth, and if we really are getting treasures in Heaven for all of the ways we please His heart, I expect that Shaun will get at least double the treasures I get. Because he is the one who puts up with my not-so-put-together-behind-the-scenes self... which could also be called my should-be-on-a-reality-show-nutso-crazy-I'm-embarassed-for-her self.

So Shaun hugged me. He reminded me of all the times I have been surprised by how incredibly things like this have turned out before. Like the time we agreed to lead a group of formerly drug addicted young people (like 2 months fresh from hardcore drugs) on an evanglistic outreach in southern California where everyday they were expected to hit the streets and tell people about Jesus and I literally bawled to Shaun before it started because I felt so out of my element. I did it anyway and it ended up being the best ever. I still tell stories from that trip because of all of the crazy and incredible things that happened.
Like the time a guy got healed in the street when two of ours friends prayed for him. It happened right after the guy had been cussing at our friends for talking about Jesus & instead of retreating our friends said, "Fine let us pray for your injured arm (the guy had his arm in a make-shift sling) and you'll see that our God can heal you. The guy agreed, but scoffed arrogantly during the prayer. After the prayer, I kid you not, the guy was healed! He started full on tripping out, moving his arm around and exclaiming things like "What the F*%^!? Jesus Christ just healed me!!"
I was completely blown away too. But my exclamations were less colorful.

Anyway. Needless to say, Shaun is usually right about things. Especially when it comes to trusting Jesus. He was right this time too. I could write an entire post about Shaun being right, and I probably should, just to honor him for all of the times I have doubted him.

But that's not this post.

This post is a reminder that God can handle our emotions. I'm learning that. In those excruciating times when I desperately want to trust Him, and I want to love people well, and I want to be brave, but inwardly I actually I feel like quitting everything and being a stay at home mom without any kids... God can handle it. He is patient to hear my cries, comfort my aching heart, remind me of His faithfulness, and then give me the strength I need to obey Him. What a relief.

The camp has been a gift. Straight from the Hands of Heaven. I am having fun, learning a lot, and watching lives get changed. My emotions are back in check too. Instead of feeling like Britney Spears when she shaved her head, things have gotten more Mother Theresa-ish... still requiring more of me than normal, but I'm smiling more than normal too.

All that to say friends, just trust God. Definitely cry when you need to, and hug a nearby loved one too, but ultimately just keep trusting Him. Even when He calls you to do things that are hard and scary.
He will be faithful. Beyond what you could ask for or imagine.
I promise.

Also Estter could be anywhere else in the world right now. But she is here. Giving her time to a bunch of teenagers who hardly know her and couldn't care less about what she gave up to spend her summer with them. I admire her for her sacrifice. I also admire her radical love for Jesus. It's evident in the way she loves all of us.
I want to be like Estter. & I just thought you guys should know.



Ps. I hope I didn't offend you by comparing myself to Mother Theresa. I am not really on her level yet and I'm aware. I also hope I didn't offend Britney Spears by bringing up the head-shaving incident. There's no shame girlfriend. I have had plenty of moments I'd rather ignore too.
Sorry yours got blasted all over international news.

vlog from Barcelona.

a video blog from outside our apartment.

haha... its a bit all over the place but its something! 

Peace be still.

this is the perfect picture of peace. from a morning walk last week. i love it. 

i've been needing some extra peace lately.
i came home from New York and felt like my head spun a bit out of control.
not that dramatic.
but sometimes it feels like that.
especially last night.
i'll fill you in on a secret... but its a secret... so don't tell.
i woke up in the night crying from anxiety.
and i cried several times over the weekend from stress.
its a bother.
i talked with Shaun about it today.
and asked several close friends to pray for me.
and now i'm telling you.

this afternoon i asked my friend Amaris to have tea with me so i could talk it through.

oh yeah.... that's also because yesterday was pretty emotional too.
i was in the hospital room with an elderly couple, as the husband spent his last few hours on earth because of heart failure.
he was 90. his wife is a couple days away from being 87.
i think tomorrow would have been their 65th wedding anniversary.
i have helped them in their home for almost 4 years. they have become family to me. the wife didn't want me to leave the room. she just kept weeping and praying with her husband.
it was beautiful and devastating.
anyway i left at 1:00pm.
he passed away at 2:30pm.
i'm grateful i wasn't in the room when it happened, but my heart is broken for her.
they were one.
now she feels like half of her is missing.
she called me today. i'm going to clean her house for her tomorrow afternoon.
i wish there was more i could do.
she said God is comforting her.
but she is broken. and deserate for Jesus.
she knows Jesus. intimately.
she helped to found Youth With a Mission.
and has written books... like 8... published books... about God & His ways.
she has travelled the world teaching and preaching about Him too.
but this is the time in her life when she needs Him more than ever.
no teaching will satisfy her.
only a touch from the living God. the Comforter.

anyway back to my tea-time with Amaris.
i opened up with her about my recent anxiety.
and she listened intently.
she offered lots of wisdom, but I'll pick one piece to share with you.

its an acronym that she made up during a stressful time of her own.

P.D.D.

"Pray.

Do it.

Done."

she said that fear, worry, and perfectionism are thieves. They steal our time and our energy. They cause us to put things off & procrastinate.... but then... when we FINALLY get something done... we mull over it & pick it apart, again and again... thinking of all the ways we could have done it better.

her recent strategy has been to P.D.D.

when she encounters a situation...
FIRST she prays about it.
then she does what she can.
then she leaves it alone.

she doesn't give worry any space to speak into the situation.

she also suggested making things as simple as possible.
perfectionism likes to complicate.
but simple is good.


anyway I liked that advice.
i feel better already.

This one is from my walk on Saturday morning. this verse is SO encouraging to my heart. 

Shining.

[photo from Pinterest]

Good morning lovelies,

I hope you are doing well today! I am sitting outside in the courtyard of our YWAM campus praying about what to share with you on this sunny Wednesday.

It's not that I am short on things to share... trust me, when it comes to words, I have a surplus.. I just haven't decided where to start and I'm trying to steer clear of rambling.

Okay, I've decided where I'll start. I'll start here---

I have been afraid of fully putting myself out there. 


And by "I have been"... I mean "I am currently"...
&& I'm sharing this with you mainly because I feel like I am not alone in it.

I am afraid of fulling stepping out and sharing who I am, because I fear the rejection that may come afterward.

Shaun always jokes about his biggest fear in life--
his biggest fear is that he would throw a party and no one would come.
Not literally necessarily, but mainly just the idea, like that he would organize something and put his whole heart into it, but at the end of the day, nobody would be into it... and it would flop.

I think his fear is not so far off from mine. I fear taking a risk and committing to something, because in doing that I just might fail.

I feel it in so many ways, even little silly things... I'll give you some examples, so that perhaps you can see if there are areas of your heart where you share my struggle:

-With this blog~ I struggle with how people will receive my posts, especially because I am painfully vulnerable on here, and so if rejection happens then it will go straight to my core... so this plays out in my posting. I type a blog post, but then I don't tell people about it, or share it on Facebook, because it is too scary to think that people will actually come read what I wrote.

-With dance~ I allow comparison to keep me from calling myself a "dancer"... instead I just say that "I love to dance".. because once I call identify myself as a dancer, then there is room for me to be a "bad dancer", but if I just love to dance then there is no expectation for me to be good. That means if one day I do well in dance, its a fun surprise, but if I do poorly, then its no big deal. But ultimately this keeps me from trying as hard as I want to... so I just remain where I'm at... which is wholly unsatisfying.

-With sharing my opinion~ Especially in places where there are other educated, or seemingly more qualified people, I tend to hold my tongue, even when I think I really might have the right answer.

-With my appearance~ I fear trying too hard to put together a great outfit that may catch the attention of others... because in pleasing some I am sure I will look like a fool to others. If I remain simply a girl who likes to be pretty, without taking risks, then I'll avoid criticism from the intimadating fashionistas that I encounter in LA & NYC. It even comes out when I am deciding what shoes to wear, even though I enjoy a great pair of heels, sometimes I feel like that puts me on display too much... so I make a decision to "hide" behind flats and an outfit that is nice, but ultimately lacks anything that would cause people to look twice at me.

Okay so just for clarification, here is what I am NOT saying:

I am NOT saying that I want to find my identity in my blog, or ministry, or dance, or my appearance. I am NOT saying that I need to look flashy like Barbie in order to overcome my fear. I am also NOT saying that anytime I wear flats and a hoodie you need to be concerned that I am stricken with fear

... it may just be laundry day. 

I am simply saying that there is a part of my heart that has resorted to "hiding"-- out of fear.

The problem with it is that though outwardly the symptoms of my hiding are subtle, the unsatisfying feeling inside of me is not quite as inconspicuous. Its a nagging ache, like a pulled muscle, I feel the pain of it constantly, but to others is goes unnoticed.

Scripture says specifically that we are not meant to hide, we are meant to shine. (Matthew 5:16)

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.


Shining is a big deal, because hiding and shining can't happen at the same time. It's one or the other.

And God is not calling us to shine because of our own qualifications, He has called us to shine because of Christ inside of us.

He has plans and purposes for us that will only prevail because of who He is. And if we want to walk in these things then we need to allow our minds to be renewed and transformed by His word, so that we can walk out confidently in the direction of the dreams He has put within us.

We need His perspective of ourselves. That way when thoughts spring up that attempt to hinder us, we can be aggressive to combat them with truth.

Recently I was reading in 1 Samuel when God chooses Saul to be king over Israel. Saul is described as "more handsome than anyone in Israel," and it says about him in verse 10:24 "Do you see whom the Lord has chosen, there is no one like him among all of Israel?" NO ONE LIKE HIM IN ALL OF ISRAEL? That's a huge statement coming from the God of the universe.

And yet when all of the people have gathered for the big moment to make Saul king...
they can't find him anywhere. No where... he is just gone.

So they end up praying and asking God where he is (which shows that they knew of no where else to look!)

and God says,

"There he is, hidden among the equipment." (v. 10:22)

Really? Saul is hiding? God has picked him over everyone else to fulfill the role of king... and he is hiding?

Somehow I take comfort in that, because it is exactly the place I have found myself in, more often than I would like to admit.

I imagine that if Saul believed the things that God had spoken about him, he wouldn't be hiding. He would be bold, ready to take on the calling that God had given him.

I need that boldness. You do too precious ones. We all do.

Because the things that God has purposed in His heart for us to do require courage.
They require us to shine.

In walking out in His desires for our lives, we need to decide within ourselves to lay down the fear that is constantly biting at our heels. We need to embrace the reality of His presence.

As we live fully dependent on Christ, trading the lies of this world for the truth of His Word,
we will radiate a magnificent light that is not only beautiful, but powerful, and life-giving.

So sweet friends, I know this has been somewhat of a novel, but if I wrote all of this out for no other reason, than simply to believe it for my own life. It will have been worth it.

No more fear. It's time to sparkle and shine.

proof that I'm being brave and wearing some heels :)