"hungryangrylonelytired." a word on contentment.

Every week I look forward to "Writing Day Friday". I think because it feels like an opportunity to make something beautiful, and after an especially strenuous week I find myself extra hungry for beauty. This week I am coming off of a Fashion Week outreach which, as always, is a glorious combination of total excitement and complete exhaustion. In Alcoholics Anonymous they have this thing called "H.A.L.T." which stands for "Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired." AA warns that if you find yourself feeling any of those things then you need to halt and use caution, because you will be more likely to be tempted towards bad decisions... which for the alcoholic is obviously drinking.

Shaun and I use "HALT" too. Whenever I am in the type of mood where my mind and emotions feel mushy like oatmeal and all I want to do is dissolve into the floor and stay there until next year, Shaun usually asks me if I'm feeling "Hungryangrylonelytired". Because for us it has become a one word thing. Sometimes we say it jokingly, sometimes for real, and this week has been a "Hungyangrylonelytired" week... for real.

I have this thing where every night I lay in bed and daydream about escaping. I don't know if that is right or wrong but I appreciate the comfort it brings me as I drift into sleep. I picture myself living in a home instead of a church. I picture shiny white walls and vases of lush pink flowers.  There are pretty paintings and a big chandelier and happy photos on the walls. I imagine a fun family and fun guests coming for dinner and I imagine that after dinner we all go for a walk. Some nights we walk to the beach, other nights we walk to an ice cream shop. I imagine having a tidy home in a beautiful location that smells good and feels good and looks good in photos.

Unfortunately waking up from sleep is slightly less comforting. When my eyes open I still live in a room at a church. My walls aren't white and my vases are empty most of the time because we travel too often for flowers to fully be enjoyed. The family in my home is made up of me and Shaun and anyone else who happens to be residing on the church floor at the time. Our meals are typically eaten on the go or at the Youth With a Mission campus and we don't go for walks after dinner because my skater husband would rather roll than walk, and because if I'm honest I'm usually lacking the motivation to face the traffic near our church. I think it's safe to walk where we live, but I prefer to do it when there aren't speeding LA drivers racing to get home from work. My room is rarely tidy and if we were birds then our room would be less like a nest and more like a branch that we stand on in the evenings to relieve us from the wing-flapping of everyday life.

Most days I really do like our home in the church and I really do like our life. I normally genuinely enjoy being the gypsy couple who travels often and has the gift of way too many friends. I also feel sincerely proud to have mastered the art of packing light because I remember how grueling that process used to be for me and it's not grueling anymore. But about once a month (hormones anyone?) I forget what I love about my life and all I can see are its apparent flaws. I want to see my wonderfully-hilarious-and-so-gorgeous husband but all I can smell are his yucky skate shoes. I want to see the adorable creativity in our almost entirely thrifted home decor, but all I can see is how cute my friend's houses are and how much I long for a space of our own. I want to see how cool is it that we have experienced so much of the world, but all I can feel is the chaos of not knowing whether I'll be spending next week in LA or somewhere else... or what country we will be in next year.

If you are rolling your eyes at me I understand. Why would I complain when I have so much to be grateful for? But it's always like that, isn't it? Other people are always longing for the things we take for granted.

The thing is that I know too much about God to wallow in my discontentment for too long. I know too much about His mountain moving power and about His "I-called-you-by-name" personal love and about the way He left Heaven to meet us in the depths of our brokenness to offer us a way out. Even though I am somebody who is quick to talk about God... which may also have something to do with the fact that I am somebody who is quick to talk in general... when I am going through my "hungryangrylonelytired" weeks I find myself doing less talking and more listening. My mouth glues shut, my ears perk up and my weary eyes look to Heaven pleading silently for some resolve.

"Remind me of Truth Lord. Remind me of Joy. Remind me You are near. Remind me that the God who saved me from the weight of my sin, can also save me from the weight of this week's burdens. Remind me what I love about this life. Remind me what I love about you. Remind of me everything beautiful around me. "

I don't speak the words, but my heart aches them, and I know He hears.

Faith that is detached from everyday life has never been interesting to me. Having a relationship with a powerless God who only cares about my church attendance and whether or not I stay married is not interesting either. I have already let myself down enough in this life and I would prefer not to acknowledge that I'm letting the Maker of the universe down too. But "hungryangrylonelytired" weeks remind me that the God I follow is better and nearer and more interesting and powerful than I even have the capacity to understand. The posture of my heart this week has been a bent over one. Like I'm a little child trying to carry something heavy and I'm falling down under the weight of it. But just as a mother rushes to the aid of her little one in pain, Jesus, the God called "Emmanuel" meaning "God with us", desires to be our ever present help in time of need. (Psalm 46:1)

All I really probably needed this week was a nap, or a day to rest and regroup, but it's comforting to realize that even before that happens, I serve a God who can handle my funk. He understands me. The Bible says He even knows the number of hairs on my head. He knows my dreams and my desires and though they may not all come true exactly as I imagine, I can be certain that His plans for me are good and my future with Him is full of hope.

My life is not my own. I was handcrafted by a Maker who calls me to contentment. He calls me to it regardless of my circumstances because He has made a way for it in Himself. Last night I asked my younger sister if she had advice for a "hypothetical person" struggling with "hypothetical discontentment" and without hesitation she gave me great advice broken down into 4 steps. Better even was that she spoke them compassionately, as a fellow struggler, which is my favorite type of advice-giver.

She said that her first step and last step are the same, be Grateful. She said it is most important to be thankful because usually being discontent is tangled up in being ungrateful, and God says in the Psalms that "we enter His gates with thanksgiving," which means gratitude is a sure way to enter the presence of God.

Next she said we need to assess why we are feeling discontent. Are we "Hungryangrylonelytired"? Are we being lazy? Are we heartbroken and need someone to talk to about it? Are we doing something that we know is disappointing the heart of God (aka sin) that we need to turn from (aka repent of)? Meredith said it helps to reflect on how we are feeling because processing it helps us to see the real need and be able to meet that need specifically.

Thirdly she said we need to do everything we can practically do to make the situation better. She suggested things like talking to a friend, stopping the cycle of envy we may have developed when we look at other peoples' lives, getting offline for a week... or longer, going for a jog, changing up our diet, getting plugged into a church, and disconnecting from the people or places that are making the discontentment worse.

Finally she ended where she started. "I think we need to be grateful again," she said matter-of-factly after going through steps 1-3. "Gratitude is the opposite of discontentment. Gratitude invites contentment."

What a smart little sister. So now I am taking my smart little sister's advice and turning this "Hungryangrylonelytired week" into a week of "Everything is okay." I still dream of living in a home one day, but for now our sweet little room at the church is perfect and cute and I love it. I still dream of lots of other things too, but today I choose to focus on making what I already have better and more beautiful. Envy won't get the best of me. Neither will stress. I'll probably still take a nap, and I'll probably use tomorrow to rest and recover, but I hope more than anything that I will choose contentment over escape. Being right here is good, even if right here is not exactly how I wanted it, because everything I need is here and His grace is sufficient for me.

May we have eyes to see the beauty that is all around us.

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12

Dissatisfaction.

It's amazing isn't it? How life can be going so well and yet somehow you can still feel unsatisfied?

Today as I was uploading photos onto this bloggie of mine I was realizing (again) how stinkin crazy I can be.

I'll break it down for you...
My life is ridiculously blessed.
I have a dream husband. Literally. He is the best man I've ever met.
I live in sunshiny southern California.
I work a job that I love.
I have the best friends that life can offer.
I eat and drink like a queen.
Materially speaking... I am rollin.
I have an iphone with a pink case.
I am typing on a laptop.
I drive a car.
I wear adorable clothes, that most days, have all been given to me from my incredibly generous friends.
Physically I am healthy and lovely... not that I always feel the lovely part... but I know it is true.
I travel A LOT.
My family is awesome. Unique. And awesome.
Spiritually speaking, I am blessed as well.
Intimacy with the Creator of the universe. Saved by grace.
The LIVING God has taken up residency in my body!?! Are you serious?
Even Moses, Joseph, and David didn't get down like that.

Now forgive me if I have gagged you with my boasting. That's not at all my intention. I can ensure you that life is not all butterflies and rainbows over here. But I am just pointing out that something very strange has been happening in me, and I have a feeling it has been happening in some of you as well.

I'll call it dissatisfaction.
Symptoms of dissatisfaction can be, but are not limited to:
boredom, depression, hopelessness, lack of motivation, laziness, and irritability.

It causes us to focus on what we don't have, rather than what we do.
It steals our joy.
It invites us to hate things that once brought us fulfillment,
AND if it is not dealt with,
dissatisfaction is capable of deceiving us into forfeiting the very things that are most precious to us, in search of something "more satisfying".

The only reason why I know this...
is because I feel it.
And quite frankly, its wearing me out.

C.S. Lewis said,

“If you find yourself with a desire that no experience in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that you were made for another world.”

Makes sense to me.
It's so easy for me to put my hope in things on this earth. Success. Location. People. Career. Family.
As if my deep desire for happiness will finally be met once I have conjured up the ultimate combination of perfect circumstances.

Oh if only that were true.

But its not.

If only I would learn from King Solomon who figured this out WAY before I did. The Bible says that he was wise, wealthy (the MOST wealthy man in his time), and basically attained everything he could ever dream of.

So what did he discover through acquiring every "good" thing available to him?

"I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
    I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
    and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
    and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
    nothing was gained under the sun." (Ecc. 2:10-11)

Sounds depressing. I know. But honestly beauty, to me it is completely encouraging. If I continue living as if my happiness is dependent on things outside of myself, I may end up a mess one day. Because I will think that change is the answer to my dissatisfaction. Change of husband. Change of career. Change of location. Change of friends. Even maybe... change of the God I serve. But Solomon had everything we could ever want, and he determined it all to be "meaningless, a chasing after the wind".

What freedom comes when I realize that satisfaction is available right here. Today. Because it has nothing to do with outward circumstances and EVERYTHING to do with my inward heart. It's about my perspective. Sure I may not feel happy right away, and I really may need to change up some of my circumstances. That is okay. 

But I am resting in the beautiful truth that nothing on this broken earth will ever meet my deepest needs for love, security, hope and fulfillment. People will let me down and circumstances will leave me empty. My needs can only be met by the One who is perfect. The One who died to save me. 

I recently heard a song that said something like, 

"We are no longer chasing shadows. We have hope beyond tomorrow." 

That's it. In Christ we have true hope. Beyond money, that comes and goes. Beyond people that fail and eventually pass away. Beyond homes that burn and cars that break down. Beyond jobs that are lost. Beyond our relationship status that changes and babies that are or aren't in our wombs. Beyond beautiful bodies and flawless skin, that are both fleeting. 

Christ offers hope beyond tomorrow. Hope beyond next year. Hope forevermore. 

In Him we find strength to pick ourselves up from our puddle of tears on our bedroom carpet (...I just gave you a glimpse into my life a few evenings ago...) and begin looking for ways to appreciate our lives, right where we are at. It takes faith. It takes gratitude. It takes courage. 

Self-pity stifles creativity. 

It is nearly impossible to improve our situation when are focused on our losses. 

So we begin with gratitude. What is there to be thankful for? There may be a little. There may be a lot. Even if all we can think of is the fact that there is air in our lungs, go ahead and start there. That in itself is a gift. 

Next we set some goals. What is it that is bothersome to us and what can WE do to make it better. Unfortunately we can't change others. But we can change ourselves. That is a wonderful thing.

For me I began with a bit of home improvement. May sound silly, but for me it is significant. I was focusing too much of my energy on desiring a life OTHER than the one I have. So in an effort to change that, I settled into my own roles as a woman and a wife. I cleaned. I painted. I bought some fresh flowers for the jar next to my bed.

Start small. Start anywhere. 

I also confessed some of my struggles with my friends. That's helpful because it goes against what we feel. We would rather isolate and perhaps eat or drink our feelings away. Numbing ourselves into paralysis, rather than taking responsibility for our lives. Sharing with loved ones opens us up to receive love. Friends can pray more specifically for us, and encourage us in our journeys. We need that. We were not made to do life alone. 

Lastly I recommend exploring the depths of love available to us in our relationships with God. It might sound difficult, but its so important. Most important really. I suggest you open up your Bible. Reading the Bible for me is a lot like drinking water, I know I need it, whether I am thirsty for it or not. If you need help knowing where to start, maybe try the book of James. Its short and extra good. Listen to worship music too. Lately I have been listening to "All Sons and Daughters". Attend a church. Plug in with other believers. Connect authentically. When people ask how you are doing, try not to just say "Good," and move on. Be real. How are you really doing? An awesome thing about God is that He works through people. He will use other Christians to strengthen and encourage us in our walks with Him. Don't resist it. Even if it is awkward at first, it will get easier.

I share this with you as a friend who is wrestling through it myself. I don't have it all together, but I'm hopeful. Not in myself. Not in my circumstances. But I have put my hope in a God that promises to be everything I need. He is faithful. Life is hard. It will always take us places we don't really want to be. But we will be okay. Because this is place not our home, we were created for eternity, where Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain."

All that we experience, both good and bad, are simply pointing us towards deeper intimacy with Christ. It is in that place where we find true contentment, and the satisfaction we are looking for. 

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.

    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

a story of healing. bulimia && alcolohism.

This is an entry that I am reposting from my good friends, Shane and Christina Nearman. ((They are the International Directors of Models For Christ and are currently living in England (hopefully they will return to California soon!! and hopefully they will have adorable THICK British accents too!))

This is one of the most powerful stories of God's healing and restoration that I have ever been a part of. 

Robin Curuz (the author of this post) is a good friend of mine. 

I met her 3 years ago... she was dying... 

I had breakfast with her 3 days ago... and she is healed. 

I pray you are encouraged by her story. 

Being asked to write about my healing process is funny because, in treatment for an eating disorder, my first session with my counselor ended with him asking me to consider whether I wanted to be saved or healed. He told me those were two very different things and that while I might desperately want relief he wasn’t sure I was willing to go through the process of healing, which would require patience and work.

It HAS been a process, but relative to the 11+ years I was enslaved by my addiction to food and my appearance, this time of recovery has been like the blink of an eye. More importantly, all those years I had been so afraid because I thought I was alone. These past three years, though extremely challenging and uncomfortable at times, I have known Help and Love are with me always.

When I called Christina for the first time I had been brought to my knees by bulimia and didn’t believe there was any hope for me. I don’t remember much of our conversation, but one thing I remember clearly was saying I didn’t want to say the name Jesus…I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to. She helped me by letting me repeat a prayer after her. When I went to Models for Christ for the first time I was moved to tears by the worship but didn’t understand much of what was being said. I was baffled that people prayed for other people (I had always only thought of myself!) and, though I didn’t understand why, I really believed the love and joy in their eyes was sincere. A few women prayed over me my second time there and when I said I didn’t want to pray to Jesus because I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t know Him, one said something along the lines of “isn’t that exactly what the enemy would tell you…that you don’t know Him enough to pray to Him”. That set me free.

Soon after that, a man from Remuda Ranch called Christina just as her speaker for that week was cancelling (wow!) and so, ended up speaking to us about eating disorders, image and who we are in Christ. He told me after that meeting that I would probably need to be separated from the behavior cycle I was in so an impatient treatment would be helpful. When I went for the physical he suggested I get, my doctor told me he didn’t know much about eating disorders and that I should see a specialist. The nurse came back in with a list of references and on top was a little blue post-it that said “Remuda Ranch” (whoa!).

A woman who had been healed of an eating disorder was also brought to me at MFC and it was her and a bunch of amazing people at YWAM LA who prayed with me before asking my family for financial support and helped me move everything out of my apartment. The way I saw it, they didn’t know me and had no reason to love me or help me…but they said they did it because they loved Jesus. I struggled to believe them…but still couldn’t wrap my mind around it (now I can!!).

One of the most pivotal experiences I had at Remuda Ranch was when the body image counselor explained to me that I had inherent worth to God; I could do nothing to make Him love me less and nothing to make Him love me more. I am STILL meditating on that and trying to really embrace it. It changes everything! 

My aunt and uncle came to see me there for family week and during one of the sessions I thought “what if I moved to Miami to live with them?!…well…I’d never ask them…so, God, if you want me to go to Miami they will have to ask me”. The next break my uncle looked at me and said “Rob, what do you think about coming to live with us in Miami?” (wow!…the prodigal niece!) I had so many ties to my addictions in LA and was such a slave to appearances, so I knew I needed a change but I was also very afraid of moving away from the people and giving up everything I knew…everything I thought I had. Really, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Making that move was the first time I did something I was afraid to do because I believed it was what God wanted, so it had to work out.

At that time, I was on 3 different psychiatric medications and had a treatment team of five different professionals. I had been in therapy since childhood, was put on antidepressants at the age of 16 to treat my anorexia and had been on 10+ other medications since. My body had not functioned properly in over a decade and I had never eaten regularly or had a healthy relationship with food.

I began working at a gym on South Beach, where I was tormented with thoughts of self-pity, envy and suicide constantly. Mornings, I woke to a fear that was nearly paralyzing and I slept as often as possible to escape the way I felt. My depression and anxiety were not responding to any of the treatment and my psychiatrist was recommending electroshock therapy. One of the most beautiful things about that time was God gave me coworkers who spoke to me about Him and the things He had promised me in His Word. The ONLY time I had any relief was when I talked with others about Jesus and when they prayed with me. This increased my faith so much because I had tried EVERYTHING to find relief.

At 17 years old, when my mother died of alcoholism, I was living like an animal. I was binging, purging, drinking myself unconscious as often as possible and stealing from and stepping on anyone who got in my way. I was set free from the alcohol addiction at 18 but for the following 8 years, used my eating disorder, destructive relationships, therapy, medications, shopping, chanting, hypnosis, self-help…ANYTHING I could get my hands on, to try and fix what was wrong with me. In ignorance, I criticized and stayed far away from anyone who spoke the truth and surrounded myself with those who supported my addictions.

THIS is why I am still in AWE of how Jesus drew me to Himself. He NEVER gave up on me. Now I am grateful for every moment that brought me closer to knowing Him.

In the months after Remuda, I began to accept that my problem was spiritual and that God was my ONLY hope. I learned how to take inventory of my thoughts and combat them with the truth, started daily practicing prayer and meditation and worked hard to stay focused on who He is and what He has done for me. I was guided through examining my past with a new perspective to heal resentments, identify harm I caused and make amends wherever possible. I was given all the support I needed in friends and family and also learned how important it was for me to be of service to them and all those around me.

Slowly, I became abstinent and found a joy and a peace I had never known possible. My mind became quiet enough to hear the guidance that I was promised and I found that when I let God direct my paths things go MUCH better in my life. People often asked me if I was in love or had “met someone special” (YES!) or how I always kept a smile on my face. I still find myself amazed that a life free of fear is even possible. The old way of living had seemed SO very real. It really is true – God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

Six months ago I slowly began making art again. I had failed out of art school because I could not handle any kind of pressure without self destructing. Without knowing my worth in Christ, I had always believed it was determined by my art, my appearance and the attention I got from others. The pressure to succeed and the fear of failure had been unbearable. I still don’t know how some people seem to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and live life. I can’t do anything without God.

My first experiences with drawing again were incredible. I had no question in my mind that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I had moments outside of time where I felt more complete and content that ever before. When I made time and space to meditate and ask for guidance I was FILLED with inspiration and ideas for many days in a row. As I began to take further steps to start painting again, I first had almost unbearable headaches and, when that didn’t stop me, I was filled with the tormenting thoughts again…of doubt, insecurity and fear of failure. I kept showing up and putting in the time and I still pray before every time I paint. Without that Help, I would not have been able to keep going. Those first few weeks taught me so much! I would have thoughts about how impossible it all was…and when I’d take those thoughts to God He would remind me “I’m God!”….and I’d feel so silly!

I have been abstinent from my eating disorder for over two years now and God has healed everything in my body and my mind. When I had my closing session with my dietician she told me she had not believed that recovery would be possible for me. She also said that she knew it was my seeking help from God that made all the difference (sooo cool!).

NOTHING and NOBODY is beyond His Grace, His Healing and His Hope.

I am so very grateful to Christina, Shane and everyone at MFC LA and Miami for telling me that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. I’d go through it all again and again to never live another day without knowing.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. -Matthew 7:7

reunited for the first time in 3 years! we used to meet at this coffee shop in Montrose, Ca often so I could teach her more about Jesus and pray for her healing! now three years later she is teaching me about Jesus and praying for the healing of others! God is so good!! 

For the Christian who is making big decisions.

A lot of times when I see Christians trying to make decisions there seem to be two extremes...

ONE is relying totally on self to figure it out- using all brain. logic. personal desires. finances. wisdom. and circumstances- to point us towards the right choice.

THE OTHER is totally relying on a "move of the Spirit"- using scriptures. feelings. peace. emotions. things other people say. and circumstances- to tell us where to go.

Both of these processes are motivated by great hearts, but they are unbalanced. 

God definitely moves through both of them, but neither method is my favorite.

The other day my friend Jesse and I were talking about this. 

Jesse used to be the guy that relied totally on an almost mystical move of the Spirit to show him what to do next. Essentially he would try to turn "off" his logic to hear from God. He viewed critical thinking as unbelief... by thinking critically he felt like he was doubting God's ability to function supernaturally. But God has been teaching him some awesome things that have revolutionized the way he makes decisions. He shared with me 5 things that he considers when he is making choices now, 

and I liked them so much I thought I should share them with you.

They are balanced. They are Biblical. They are fantastic.

When you are faced with big decisions in life- 

look at these 5 things to help discern God's will: 

1) The Word of God:
If the thing that you are considering does not line up with scripture- it is NOT God's will. If it does line up with scripture move directly to #2.
Example: If Shaun (my studly husband) meets a girl and feels like she is actually God's choice for his wife and he made a mistake in marrying me, the he wonders if it is God's will to leave me and marry her... Well, lucky for him, scripture tells Shaun clearly that God hates divorce and in marrying me, Shaun is not to be separated from me. Easy as pie. 

2) Peace from God when praying:
Peace is one of the fruits of the Spirit of God in us. If we don't have peace about something, it is worth reconsidering. God speaks to us in prayer so take note of things you think and feel.

3) Counsel from mature believers:

Find people who: love God, love you, and have wisdom. Their input will be helpful. They will see things that you don't see. Listen to them. 

4) Wisdom and careful thinking:
Ask God for wisdom and knowledge. He likes to give it and is glorified when we use our brains and think. Compare the positives and negatives when thinking through the options. Our lives are like a story book- it is okay to reflect on past pages as we decide what we will put on the next page. When we don't use our God given ability to think, it is like treating everything in life as a new book... and every past experience is its own book too. It's like if we were considering going into the Army... instead of looking backwards and saying, "Wow, ever since I was a little girl I have been interested in the military"... we disregard the past and try to face the decision as a totally new and separate thing. It can bring unnecessary confusion. Look at the big picture. Consider the past and the future. Factor in things like finances. Don't be afraid. You are smarter than you know.

5) Providential circumstances:
What doors are open? What doors are shut? Are there any awesome opportunities that have been provided? Any obvious supernatural provision? Factor those things in.

Sip on a lovely hot drink, 

write in your journal, 

read your Bible,

pray, 

& be ready to make some excellent choices. 

Shining.

[photo from Pinterest]

Good morning lovelies,

I hope you are doing well today! I am sitting outside in the courtyard of our YWAM campus praying about what to share with you on this sunny Wednesday.

It's not that I am short on things to share... trust me, when it comes to words, I have a surplus.. I just haven't decided where to start and I'm trying to steer clear of rambling.

Okay, I've decided where I'll start. I'll start here---

I have been afraid of fully putting myself out there. 


And by "I have been"... I mean "I am currently"...
&& I'm sharing this with you mainly because I feel like I am not alone in it.

I am afraid of fulling stepping out and sharing who I am, because I fear the rejection that may come afterward.

Shaun always jokes about his biggest fear in life--
his biggest fear is that he would throw a party and no one would come.
Not literally necessarily, but mainly just the idea, like that he would organize something and put his whole heart into it, but at the end of the day, nobody would be into it... and it would flop.

I think his fear is not so far off from mine. I fear taking a risk and committing to something, because in doing that I just might fail.

I feel it in so many ways, even little silly things... I'll give you some examples, so that perhaps you can see if there are areas of your heart where you share my struggle:

-With this blog~ I struggle with how people will receive my posts, especially because I am painfully vulnerable on here, and so if rejection happens then it will go straight to my core... so this plays out in my posting. I type a blog post, but then I don't tell people about it, or share it on Facebook, because it is too scary to think that people will actually come read what I wrote.

-With dance~ I allow comparison to keep me from calling myself a "dancer"... instead I just say that "I love to dance".. because once I call identify myself as a dancer, then there is room for me to be a "bad dancer", but if I just love to dance then there is no expectation for me to be good. That means if one day I do well in dance, its a fun surprise, but if I do poorly, then its no big deal. But ultimately this keeps me from trying as hard as I want to... so I just remain where I'm at... which is wholly unsatisfying.

-With sharing my opinion~ Especially in places where there are other educated, or seemingly more qualified people, I tend to hold my tongue, even when I think I really might have the right answer.

-With my appearance~ I fear trying too hard to put together a great outfit that may catch the attention of others... because in pleasing some I am sure I will look like a fool to others. If I remain simply a girl who likes to be pretty, without taking risks, then I'll avoid criticism from the intimadating fashionistas that I encounter in LA & NYC. It even comes out when I am deciding what shoes to wear, even though I enjoy a great pair of heels, sometimes I feel like that puts me on display too much... so I make a decision to "hide" behind flats and an outfit that is nice, but ultimately lacks anything that would cause people to look twice at me.

Okay so just for clarification, here is what I am NOT saying:

I am NOT saying that I want to find my identity in my blog, or ministry, or dance, or my appearance. I am NOT saying that I need to look flashy like Barbie in order to overcome my fear. I am also NOT saying that anytime I wear flats and a hoodie you need to be concerned that I am stricken with fear

... it may just be laundry day. 

I am simply saying that there is a part of my heart that has resorted to "hiding"-- out of fear.

The problem with it is that though outwardly the symptoms of my hiding are subtle, the unsatisfying feeling inside of me is not quite as inconspicuous. Its a nagging ache, like a pulled muscle, I feel the pain of it constantly, but to others is goes unnoticed.

Scripture says specifically that we are not meant to hide, we are meant to shine. (Matthew 5:16)

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.


Shining is a big deal, because hiding and shining can't happen at the same time. It's one or the other.

And God is not calling us to shine because of our own qualifications, He has called us to shine because of Christ inside of us.

He has plans and purposes for us that will only prevail because of who He is. And if we want to walk in these things then we need to allow our minds to be renewed and transformed by His word, so that we can walk out confidently in the direction of the dreams He has put within us.

We need His perspective of ourselves. That way when thoughts spring up that attempt to hinder us, we can be aggressive to combat them with truth.

Recently I was reading in 1 Samuel when God chooses Saul to be king over Israel. Saul is described as "more handsome than anyone in Israel," and it says about him in verse 10:24 "Do you see whom the Lord has chosen, there is no one like him among all of Israel?" NO ONE LIKE HIM IN ALL OF ISRAEL? That's a huge statement coming from the God of the universe.

And yet when all of the people have gathered for the big moment to make Saul king...
they can't find him anywhere. No where... he is just gone.

So they end up praying and asking God where he is (which shows that they knew of no where else to look!)

and God says,

"There he is, hidden among the equipment." (v. 10:22)

Really? Saul is hiding? God has picked him over everyone else to fulfill the role of king... and he is hiding?

Somehow I take comfort in that, because it is exactly the place I have found myself in, more often than I would like to admit.

I imagine that if Saul believed the things that God had spoken about him, he wouldn't be hiding. He would be bold, ready to take on the calling that God had given him.

I need that boldness. You do too precious ones. We all do.

Because the things that God has purposed in His heart for us to do require courage.
They require us to shine.

In walking out in His desires for our lives, we need to decide within ourselves to lay down the fear that is constantly biting at our heels. We need to embrace the reality of His presence.

As we live fully dependent on Christ, trading the lies of this world for the truth of His Word,
we will radiate a magnificent light that is not only beautiful, but powerful, and life-giving.

So sweet friends, I know this has been somewhat of a novel, but if I wrote all of this out for no other reason, than simply to believe it for my own life. It will have been worth it.

No more fear. It's time to sparkle and shine.

proof that I'm being brave and wearing some heels :)