Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Learning to be me.

Learning to be me... that sounds easy enough. I have been me for a long time. Almost 24 years. You would think that I would have this thing down.

But no. I don't.

See this thing about figuring out who I am is coming up because I am trying to "define my ministry".. its a Christiany way of saying... I am trying to put a name to the things that God is doing in my life, and present them to YWAM LA so that together we can figure out how to be more affective in the city.

I know I want to help girls. I want to hug them, love them, teach them, and listen to them. I know I am passionate about beauty issues. Body image. Eating disorders. I know that my heart longs to see people in the arts, entertainment, & fashion industry come to know the awesome love of Christ. I know that I like to talk to strangers. I like to write. I like to speak. I like to dance, act, model. And I like Jesus. A LOT. I honestly believe that He changes lives. I also believe that His words are true. Even though they make me uncomfortable at times.

That's all nice. But in the real world I need to have a structure and a name... almost like I need to brand & market myself, in order to commit my life to this full-time. That's tricky.

So I am starting with my blog. Here is a few weeks I will relaunch my bloggy in a more focused way. A way that more clearly communicates who I am and what I do. Note that... "who I am".

Who the heck am I? I don't even know.

I know that I struggle a lot.

I went to coffee with my friend Nova the other morning ((PS. she has an incredible heart & an incredible blog... nova-spark.blogspot.com)) She is really great. Beautiful. Talented. Norwegian-- which means extra beautiful. We often get asked if we are sisters.. which I have to confess is one of my favorite compliments. You will understand when you see her. And the best part about her is that she has more faith than anyone I know. She is like a modernday Noah. She hears God and goes for it. Even if nothing points to things working out. She just trusts God.

But you know what happened at coffee the other morning? We realised how messed up we are. We both struggle with lust. We both have thoughts that are repulsive. We are both selfish. We both battle insecurity. We are both messed up girls trying like crazy to keep our eyes on Christ. But after talking, crying, laughing, and praying... we left our date certain of 2 things...

1) We can't actually do the things God wants us to do alone.
2) We NEED to be open with other people about how much we struggle. So that together we can ALL be free.

As we were leaving that cafe I asked a waitress to take our photo. She was wonderful. She took the picture & then looked at it and said, "Wow, beautiful princesses."

WOW BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES?? haha that is what God wanted us to know as we left that cafe? After confessing the filth in our hearts... & trust me... it was filthy... yet still the final word for us was BEAUTIFUL PRINCESSES.

That is powerful.

So I guess that is the word for today. Beautiful Princess. We may not know who we are. We may struggle with all kinds of issues. We may sin. No... we will sin. Yet still, we are so hidden in Christ, that God looks upon us and says,

"Wow, beautiful princesses."

I guess that is who I am. I don't have all the other stuff figured out. And I haven't overcome everything I need to yet. But today I am going to rest in being a beautiful princess. I hope you will too.

"The King is enthralled by your beauty, honor Him for He is your Lord." Psalm 45:11


Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post! I am in the same boat as far as defining my ministry or mission if you will (Where God wants me to be). I have found that if you are open and available for HIM to use every moment of everyday... everyday EVERYDAY will be an adventure and service. I hope that God uses you in everyway possible and that your mission creates itself (with God's hand on it). Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with feeling this way... I have felt so lost these past couple of months and unsure if my job is where God would have me? I may be switching jobs somewhere were my passions can shine and HIS glory, mercy, and grace will overflow in people. I hope your day is blessed. I look forward to reading more about your passions and mission.

NOVA said...

This is so good! Amazing truths...Thank you for sharing them!

MariekeDral said...

Wow Jess and Nova! This is such an honest and open story, you confess your own struggles and yet see the beauty in it throughe another! And it's right that we all need EACHOTHER to see it. God will make us see it when reflecting our lifes with friends or other people. It's being honest.and showing Trust in Him. That is how He helps you finding yourself. He is learning you more about yourself by sharing it. You are a great inspiration to everyone, and so.full.of beauty, light ans wisdom, that is why he wants you know you TRULY are beautiful princesses!!!!