poison & the f word.

Last week I Face-timed with one of my very best friends who is living across the ocean in a culture that is very different from my own. In updating me about her life and marriage and the various challenges she is facing in adapting to this new place, she said something adorable. I thought it was extra cute because English is not her first language and so she was trying to explain something very common but with her limited English vocabulary it came out like this, "Jess, I feel like there is poison in my heart. It came in there because people have let me down. They keep making promises to do things and then not following through on them. I know I need to get rid of the poison, but it is so painful."

poi·son

ˈpoiz(ə)n/

noun

1.

a substance that is capable of causing the illness or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed.

I never want to be someone who communicates ideas without living out what I say, which I happen to think is a very nice value and I respect others who share the sentiment, however I would have been just fine talking about the "poison" this week without having to experience it in my own life. But God doesn't work like that does He? He knows that real authority in anything comes not through talking about it, but in actually walking it out, and so this week the "poison" and I have been doing some walking together. Oh the joy.

The "poison" as my friend so sweetly put it, is the experience that happens when we have been hurt or offended. Whether the one who harmed us was intentionally malicious, or accidentally insensitive, it stings our hearts and we want to retaliate or hide.

That's what happened to me this week.

It wasn't just one venomous situation, but a series of almost unnoticeable ones working together like a slow drip IV leaking toxic ugliness into my system. The poison invited a mean skeptic to rise up in me. When they would say something nice to me I would question their sincerity. When they would say something insensitive I would take it personally and relive the moment in my mind over and over again, making up fake comebacks to put them in their place. Even their attempts to love me felt irritating and painful, like when your shoulders are sunburned and someone gives you a hug.

I've experienced the poison lots of times before this week too. Like when my exboyfriend made out with another girl during our relationship. Poison. Or when I overheard a family I loved talking badly about my little sister. Poison. Or when I found out a "best friend" was gossiping about me and spreading rumors. Poison. Or when I heard people making fun of my husband and accusing us of being dishonest. Poison.

There are worse ones too but you get the idea. The point is that when we get hurt by somebody the poison invades our hearts. Did you see that? It invades OUR hearts. Meaning the poison does not access the heart of the person who hurt us, but it most definitely gets inside our own.

It's the resentment that tempts us to stay silently offended, adding little tally marks to the secret sheet in our mind keeping record of everything they do wrong. Its the bitterness that causes us judge their motives and character, making us quick to assume the worst about them. It's the insecurity we feel, the hopelessness of "this always happens" and "people always treat me like this." Its the loneliness of being let down by someone we love and admire. Its the temptation to leave or hide, to give up on the relationship without an explanation of our pain. Its the desire to retaliate, to gossip, to slander, to yell at or seek revenge. That's the poison my friend across the ocean feels. That's the poison I have felt. But the trouble with poison is that it only destroys the one who has ingested it. Which means that as long as I am the one with the poison in my heart, I am the one who will be destroyed by it.

So how do we get rid of this horrible thing that is capable of causing death in us? The answer is....
the F word.

No.

The other F word.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not saying that what they did to hurt you was okay. Because in many cases it was absolutely not okay. Rather, to forgive is to release them from something they owe you. Essentially it is saying that you are no longer going to take responsibility for the justice of the situation. Shaun and I talk about forgiveness as something you are giving over to a higher authority, trusting that the authority will take care of it and you no longer need to ensure they get the penalty of their messed up actions. As believers in Christ we recognize that God cares about everything we go through and is passionate about justice. Therefore we can trust that when we surrender a situation to Him in our hearts, and practice forgiveness towards those who have hurt us, He will be faithful to work everything out.

Forgiveness is the only way to free us from the poison.

That's probably not new information for you. It wasn't for me either. But it was a reminder I needed. You have heard the quote, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." You have also seen what happens to the person who holds a grudge against someone else: It consumes them. They talk about it. They think about it. They wonder what the other person is going to think about their latest instagram post or facebook status. They gossip. They slander. They secretly stalk the person's social media feeds and then try to live a cooler more photogenic life as a form of revenge. I have even seen it happen where the two people haven't spoken to each other in almost a decade but one of them is still convinced that the other is doing everything possible to destroy her life. Poison. Absolute poison.

But Jesus calls us to forgive. More than that, He commands us to forgive. I think He takes forgiveness so seriously because of the lavish, mind-boggling, absolutely crazy forgiveness He extended to humanity by dying for our sins. I also think it is because He is passionate about life. All throughout scripture, anywhere He went, life happened. Blind eyes opened. Dead bodies raised. Lonely people loved. Shamed women given dignity. Children valued. It's everywhere. He even said, "I have come to give you abundant life." It's no wonder then that he calls us to be people who forgive. If unforgiveness is like a poison that causes death, then forgiveness must bring life, because Jesus only commands us to do things that bring life.

Sometimes forgiveness requires us to go directly to the person who offended us and talk it through with them. Other times, when things like abuse are involved, it is safest to stay away from the offender but to extend forgiveness in our hearts through prayer and with the help of loved ones. Often for me, forgiveness involves lots of journaling so I can make sense of my scrambled thoughts and sort out whether or not the person actually did something harmful to me or if I was just being insecure and easily offended. In those cases I may still need to forgive them in my heart but it may not be necessary to talk with them about it because they didn't actually do anything wrong.

Let's do everything we can to be free from the poison. Let's love extravagantly, forgive quickly, and seek to understand each other. May people see Heaven in the way we do relationships. May we be people who assume the best and protect each other's reputations, and when we don't understand what they meant when they said that thing that hurt our feelings.... let's ask them instead of judging them for it.

Okay?

And how about another couple of F words??

Here's to fun & family! 

A couple great photos from the #batesweddingbash.

The bottom one is gold.

alive is beautiful.

It was almost 9ish in the PM and he was ready to go out. I had to remind myself to enjoy the spontaneity of it because the planner in me already had the night on lock and there was no ‘adventure with husband’ anywhere on the agenda. There were other things like: tidy up bedroom, go for a jog, and watch some of new friend Carly’s youtube video’s; but I thought husband would be with the skaters last night so I strategically planned a night to get things done. Anyway I put my plans on hold so I could go out with Shaunny which was much better anyway, and it really didn't matter except for the fact that I had been sitting most of the day so I had really wanted to jog. 

I started quietly thinking about my body while we were driving to the store. I had eaten a lot throughout the day. I recounted it, which is what usually happens in my brain on big eating days, it's like all the food I ate stares me right in the face, shaking its head and pointing its finger at me for eating so much. Big bowl of cereal for breakfast. Bigger than normal. Extra snack. Big lunch. Extra bread at lunch. Chips. Big dinner. Chips again after dinner. I didn’t mean to eat so much but I felt unusually hungry so I just kept going. Being on my period is probably most of the reason for my monstrous appetite this week, which answers the question that some of you were thinking... no, I'm not pregnant.... but regardless, the big eating day had my mind whirling.... "big eating" means "big body".... the fear was starting to settle in. 

We stopped at Rite Aid and Lay's BBQ Stax were on sale for a dollar, the kind that come in the Pringles type can, Shaun bought them excitedly because of course it was a great deal, and he gave me a few chips. I ate them and silently regretted it. I was thinking to myself, “...I was supposed to be jogging now, instead I am eating Lay’s...” 

Then after a few more errands Shaun decided he was in the mood for pizza. I know he sounds like a teenage boy, and he kind of is, or at least he would definitely eat like one if he didn't have a wife. He was extra sweet though and despite my obvious hesitation, he insisted that it would be fun to have a late night date. He was right.  So at almost 10pm we found an awesome pizza place in Montrose and each of us ordered a slice. I felt anxious about more food, but tried to relax and enjoy being with him.

The slices were New York style so “one slice” was actually more like 2 or 3 normal slices anywhere else. Mine had spinach and ricotta on it, my favorite. I had to keep to reminding myself how much I loved it because the fear of getting fat was growing louder and louder in my head. 

We found a bench outside by the street because the pizza place was closing. I ate most of my pizza, leaving only a little piece to take home. Shaun and I had a great conversation. We laughed a lot and talked about important things and silly things and I chose to be present. I chose to enjoy him and to enjoy the creamy ricotta and the fluffy crust and the perfect California weather. It was a choice and I knew it. A choice to quiet my fear of getting fat and to be alive to Shaun in that moment. Thankfully I did it.  

When we got home I went for a walk around the parking lot of the church. I listened to music and prayed and I surrendered my body to God, again. 

If you have spent much time on this blog you know that I am someone who values health. We only have one body and it is important to take care of it, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You know that. But my post today is not about that. I don’t need to remind you to eat well and exercise. I don’t need to tell you that drinking water is important and vegetables are important, and the occasional ice cream or late night pizza date is important too because health is holistic, and emotions and relationships with people are just as important as our diets. No, you already know all these things. 

Today I simply felt to remind us that being beautiful is about so much more than our appearance. If I could make you a coffee and tell you this stuff in person I would, but since we are here and I'm staring at a screen instead of into your gorgeous eyes, I'll trust that you will hear this like I feel it.

New mama. I could see you rocking your new baby last night on your front porch as I was walking around the parking lot of the church. It was beautiful. I wanted to tell you that it’s okay if your body doesn’t look like it did 10 months ago. Give yourself grace. You will get the hang of this mom thing and your body will adjust to her new role sooner than you think. You are working miracles right now in nourishing that little one with your very being. You may not look like you wish you did, but I see you, and I think you are exquisite. Beauty is not about having a tiny waist. Beauty is more alive than that. It nourishes and blesses. It comforts and soothes. It loves tenderly even when no one else sees. 

New bride. I hear you. You worked so hard to feel beautiful in that dress and then on the honeymoon you relaxed. The only trouble is that relaxing felt like “getting fat” and now you are home and he wants your body but you want to hide it because you are mad at it for getting bigger. I know sweet one. You’re okay. You are beautiful. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is more alive than that. It welcomes and invites. It radiates with joy and allures with the authentic self, not the perfect self, but the broken self that is dearly loved anyway. 

Girlfriend. I know. All the songs make it seem so good to be you. "Feeling 22". But mostly you feel lonely and confused, smiling on the outside, aching on the inside. No dinner again tonight, because you’re “not hungry.” So hungry. Painfully hungry. Hungry for encouragement. Hungry for someone to see you and know you and remind you that you have what it takes. So you skip meals hoping that even with all those other things missing, at least if you have control, you will feel better. Pretty girl. Beauty is not controlling. Beauty is more alive than that. Beauty confesses. Beauty acknowledges the need to be loved and it is a lover too. Beauty dreams and believes and tries and fails. 

We all long to be beautiful. We were created to be beautiful. But we are daily bombarded with this idea that beauty is an outside thing relating only to our size and skin and hair and clothes. So we get anxious on days when we eat more than we wanted too, and we get deceived into seeing our wonderful seasons of life as our "fat seasons". We find ourselves anxiously trying to rush through them rather than slowing down and soaking them up. 

But beauty is available to us here and now. It is not something that will happen to us once we change this or fix that. It's not a number on the scale or a smaller pant size. Beauty is more alive than that and we have the opportunity to choose beauty today. Exactly where we are. Exactly how we are. We can eat the pizza. We can rock the baby. We can invite people into our story. We can allow the good stuff and the bad stuff and the everything else stuff to just be. We don't have to hide, because hiding isn't protecting us anyway, it is stealing the joy that could be ours by poisoning us with fear. Like the fear of getting fat. Let's reject that fear and choose to be present in this moment. 

Let's come alive friends. Because alive is beautiful. 

in light of fall arriving, a photo from last fall taken by the ever lovely Sarah Grunder. 

I am dark but lovely.

 No not literally. I'm not dark. I'm a bit sunburned on my back and shoulders, but not to the point where I qualify as "dark". I've always been mostly white with a subtle pink hue. No big deal there.

But I came across a verse in the Bible from the book of Song of Songs where a woman is saying that she is "dark but lovely"... and today I relate to this lady.

Back in her day it wasn't beautiful to be dark, it was more lovely to be pale, because to be dark resembled a servant (working in the sun) but to be pale showed that you were of class and stature.

She is saying "I am dark but lovely" because she is trying to "woo" the man she fancies, and in expressing those words to him, she is revealing a bit of the shame that she feels for being so dark. She hopes he will overlook her darkness, and see her loveliness. 

I know that feeling, where I have to convince myself not to be insecure about something, that I am secretly feeling EXTRA insecure about.

If she wasn't super aware of her own skin tone she wouldn't have even mentioned being so dark, she'd just confidently flaunt the fact that she was sun kissed and unique. But no. She's feeling it.

Well I'm feeling it too... today I have been EXTRA aware of my own weaknesses. To a fault actually. I got to a point around lunch time where I honestly wanted to hide from the people around me, and I was all too grateful for the opportunity to leave the conference I am attending this week, and take a couple friends to the doctor for the afternoon.

Actually I was pretty anxiety-ridden at dinner too, when I went back to the conference for the evening session. It got so bad that I excused myself and used Shaun's iPhone to search for the nearest Starbucks so I could get away and go gather my thoughts.

I feel embarrassed that it got so bad.

But now that I've been sitting here at Starbucks for about an hour, I feel like I'm getting a bit of perspective that will hopefully help me go back into the conference and be my normal self.

"I am dark but lovely."

So one of the main reasons I get so insecure around all of these people at the conference is because they are amazing. These people are full of faith. Loud. Bold. Sometimes they make me slightly uncomfortable because of it... But then again when God is using them to literally heal people right in front of my face, I think they are doing something right.

Somehow when I get around them I feel like I'm failing because I feel so different from them.

That feeling reminds me of the struggle I sometimes have when I'm working with the gorgeous people in the fashion industry. They're amazing too. Physically perfect. Beautiful. Faithful. Brave. Responsible.

Somehow when I get around them I feel like I'm failing because I feel so different from them.

Two totally different groups of people. Same tormenting feeling within me. In both settings I feel like hiding, quitting.. and eventually seeking out something that will numb the turmoil within my heart.

I'm just so very aware of the dark spots in my heart. My weaknesses. My shortcomings. My desire for people to want me. My lust. My insecurity. Even physically... my pimples... my spider veins... my not-so-super-model-shaped-body.

When the darkness of these thoughts floods my mind... I feel ashamed and unworthy.

Then comes God. With His sweet... quiet... yet oh-so-real voice of truth..

"You are dark but lovely"

I like that. He doesn't say I'm not dark... meaning that I am without fault. Because if he said that, I might think He doesn't actually know me. I might strive to "act" like I'm perfect and faultless because I'd think that's what He expected of me, but really inside I'd probably suffocate because of how far I am from perfect. The disconnect from my true self and the person I was pretending to be would eventually be too much for me to handle.

But I feel safe when I realize that God knows me. He knows my every struggle. He sees my every sinful tendency. He is completely aware of all of them. Yet He still calls me lovely.

I don't have to feel ashamed of my shortcomings, and I don't have to withdraw from people because I feel unworthy.

Because the God of the universe has looked upon my life and chosen me. I am enough for Him. I am dark but lovely. I have faults, but they don't negate my loveliness in the sight of God.

In life, we have a tendency as people to look at our "shortcomings" (whether real or imaginary) and allow them to count us out. We set ourselves up to try and 'earn' a position because in our hearts we don't feel like we actually have it.

it looks like this:

I would be beautiful IF I lost 5 pounds.

I would be a real baseball player IF I made this team or pitched at this speed.

I would be a real dancer IF I dance like this person.

I would be a successful and creative business owner IF I sold this amount of product.

I would be good at writing IF I had this many followers on my blog.

I would be wanted IF this many people liked my photo on instagram.

I would be a great leader, influencing people and changing lives, IF I were this well-known.

We don't believe we are worthy. We live life trying to prove that we are good enough. Sometimes we actually think we are trying to prove it to other people, as if they are the ones who don't believe we can do it, when in reality the only one who needs convincing is us.

I hear kids say to Shaun.. "No man, I'm not really a skater"...

Even though they literally just rolled up on a board, and are now holding the skateboard in their hand!

They say it though because in their mind a "real skater" requires something that they don't feel they've attained.

I love Shaun's response though, he always says, "Well, do you love to skate?"

"Yeah man I love to skate."

"Perfect, then you're a real skater."

I need a little bit of that perspective in my life tonight.

I am the first one to count myself out of things...
No it doesn't make sense that God uses me to love on a fashion model, I'm not a model.
No it doesn't make sense that I am training in dance, or that I use dance to entertain people, I don't have good technique.
No it doesn't make sense for me to teach on relationships, I sometimes lust after guys other than Shaun.
No it would be crazy for me to teach on identity, I am daily battling to find my own.
No it is silly to think God would use me at all, I'm a big bundle of issues.

But then I hear it,

"Hey Jess, Do you love Jesus?"

"Yeah... and I want to love Him more."

"Perfect, then you're qualified."

That's just it. I can have peace because I'm enough. No more striving. No more feeling like I'm behind.

I just surrender myself. My life. My weaknesses. My strengths. My fears. My dreams. My desires. All of it. Into the loving hands of a God who is passionate about doing life with me.
And I watch Him work miracles in me and through me. Even all around me.

Safe in the protection and security of His love is where I find myself standing confidently alongside the woman in Song of Songs saying,

"I am dark, but [SO] lovely. " (I added the "so) :)

Meet my adorable nieces Rose & Sasha. They are my brother's daughters and I love them. They live in Montana. So cute! 

Shining.

[photo from Pinterest]

Good morning lovelies,

I hope you are doing well today! I am sitting outside in the courtyard of our YWAM campus praying about what to share with you on this sunny Wednesday.

It's not that I am short on things to share... trust me, when it comes to words, I have a surplus.. I just haven't decided where to start and I'm trying to steer clear of rambling.

Okay, I've decided where I'll start. I'll start here---

I have been afraid of fully putting myself out there. 


And by "I have been"... I mean "I am currently"...
&& I'm sharing this with you mainly because I feel like I am not alone in it.

I am afraid of fulling stepping out and sharing who I am, because I fear the rejection that may come afterward.

Shaun always jokes about his biggest fear in life--
his biggest fear is that he would throw a party and no one would come.
Not literally necessarily, but mainly just the idea, like that he would organize something and put his whole heart into it, but at the end of the day, nobody would be into it... and it would flop.

I think his fear is not so far off from mine. I fear taking a risk and committing to something, because in doing that I just might fail.

I feel it in so many ways, even little silly things... I'll give you some examples, so that perhaps you can see if there are areas of your heart where you share my struggle:

-With this blog~ I struggle with how people will receive my posts, especially because I am painfully vulnerable on here, and so if rejection happens then it will go straight to my core... so this plays out in my posting. I type a blog post, but then I don't tell people about it, or share it on Facebook, because it is too scary to think that people will actually come read what I wrote.

-With dance~ I allow comparison to keep me from calling myself a "dancer"... instead I just say that "I love to dance".. because once I call identify myself as a dancer, then there is room for me to be a "bad dancer", but if I just love to dance then there is no expectation for me to be good. That means if one day I do well in dance, its a fun surprise, but if I do poorly, then its no big deal. But ultimately this keeps me from trying as hard as I want to... so I just remain where I'm at... which is wholly unsatisfying.

-With sharing my opinion~ Especially in places where there are other educated, or seemingly more qualified people, I tend to hold my tongue, even when I think I really might have the right answer.

-With my appearance~ I fear trying too hard to put together a great outfit that may catch the attention of others... because in pleasing some I am sure I will look like a fool to others. If I remain simply a girl who likes to be pretty, without taking risks, then I'll avoid criticism from the intimadating fashionistas that I encounter in LA & NYC. It even comes out when I am deciding what shoes to wear, even though I enjoy a great pair of heels, sometimes I feel like that puts me on display too much... so I make a decision to "hide" behind flats and an outfit that is nice, but ultimately lacks anything that would cause people to look twice at me.

Okay so just for clarification, here is what I am NOT saying:

I am NOT saying that I want to find my identity in my blog, or ministry, or dance, or my appearance. I am NOT saying that I need to look flashy like Barbie in order to overcome my fear. I am also NOT saying that anytime I wear flats and a hoodie you need to be concerned that I am stricken with fear

... it may just be laundry day. 

I am simply saying that there is a part of my heart that has resorted to "hiding"-- out of fear.

The problem with it is that though outwardly the symptoms of my hiding are subtle, the unsatisfying feeling inside of me is not quite as inconspicuous. Its a nagging ache, like a pulled muscle, I feel the pain of it constantly, but to others is goes unnoticed.

Scripture says specifically that we are not meant to hide, we are meant to shine. (Matthew 5:16)

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.


Shining is a big deal, because hiding and shining can't happen at the same time. It's one or the other.

And God is not calling us to shine because of our own qualifications, He has called us to shine because of Christ inside of us.

He has plans and purposes for us that will only prevail because of who He is. And if we want to walk in these things then we need to allow our minds to be renewed and transformed by His word, so that we can walk out confidently in the direction of the dreams He has put within us.

We need His perspective of ourselves. That way when thoughts spring up that attempt to hinder us, we can be aggressive to combat them with truth.

Recently I was reading in 1 Samuel when God chooses Saul to be king over Israel. Saul is described as "more handsome than anyone in Israel," and it says about him in verse 10:24 "Do you see whom the Lord has chosen, there is no one like him among all of Israel?" NO ONE LIKE HIM IN ALL OF ISRAEL? That's a huge statement coming from the God of the universe.

And yet when all of the people have gathered for the big moment to make Saul king...
they can't find him anywhere. No where... he is just gone.

So they end up praying and asking God where he is (which shows that they knew of no where else to look!)

and God says,

"There he is, hidden among the equipment." (v. 10:22)

Really? Saul is hiding? God has picked him over everyone else to fulfill the role of king... and he is hiding?

Somehow I take comfort in that, because it is exactly the place I have found myself in, more often than I would like to admit.

I imagine that if Saul believed the things that God had spoken about him, he wouldn't be hiding. He would be bold, ready to take on the calling that God had given him.

I need that boldness. You do too precious ones. We all do.

Because the things that God has purposed in His heart for us to do require courage.
They require us to shine.

In walking out in His desires for our lives, we need to decide within ourselves to lay down the fear that is constantly biting at our heels. We need to embrace the reality of His presence.

As we live fully dependent on Christ, trading the lies of this world for the truth of His Word,
we will radiate a magnificent light that is not only beautiful, but powerful, and life-giving.

So sweet friends, I know this has been somewhat of a novel, but if I wrote all of this out for no other reason, than simply to believe it for my own life. It will have been worth it.

No more fear. It's time to sparkle and shine.

proof that I'm being brave and wearing some heels :) 

skinny girl.

Yesterday Shaun showed me a picture of a young girl who he knew from one of the youth groups he had been working with. She is maybe 16. The photo was one she had posted of herself on instagram, showing off her recent weightloss. She was literally skin and bones... Like when I glanced over at it I was shocked, and I work with models regularly so I am accustomed to seeing thin girls... but this one startled me.

Another young girl had commented underneath the photo saying something like, "Wow, I love seeing your bones... your rib cage, and collar bones... its perfect."

That makes me so sad.

And yet I wish I could say that I didn't believe the same lies that these young ones are believing.

I see the same ads they see,
I shop in the same malls,
I live in the same city...
I feel the same pressure they feel.
I wake up in the morning and have to fight to think positive thoughts towards myself and my body.

I feel the pressure to starve for the sake of looking "perfect".

But its not right. Its not healthy.
And it is destroying the bodies, hearts, and minds of women.

I have to admit it.
I HATE with my whole heart when I hear women complain about how they look.
Like my insides die.
Because I hate what happens right after they say it.
Insecurity fills the room. Its silent. But its definitely there.
Our minds swirl with questions of our own....
"Well if she is thinks she is fat, and she is smaller than me, then what must I look like?..."
"Is my skin broken out too?.."
"Am I aging too quickly?.."
"If her thighs are big, and we look similar, are mine too big?..."

I remember when I used to dance more as a teenager and some of the girls were talking about how their legs "touched" when they walked. Like this meant that their thighs must be too big.

My legs "touched" when I walked, but I had never realized it until that day...
I remember suddenly feeling insecure about the size of my thighs.

Or the feeling of a friend who is pale like me, spending lots of money on tanning products. All of the sudden I became aware that I was white, and a new battle of insecurity arose in me about the color of my skin.

Its horrible.

Honestly it feels like there hasn't been an inch of my body that I haven't had some sort of trouble accepting. I am tired of it. It's ridiculous.

I heard a woman in her 60's say recently that now because she is older she doesn't worry as much about her appearance. Well perfect.... I am not about to wait 40 years to get where she is at. I don't think I can make it that long. I also don't believe that God is sitting up there in heaven expecting me to just drudge through this thing until there are 60 candles on my birthday cake.

No way.

Now I am a girl that enjoys dressing cute, exercising, and smelling good... so I am not suggesting that we will escape this destruction simply by embracing looking like hobos for the rest of our lives.

But I do think that its time to focus more on the state of our hearts than on the size of our jeans.
Confidence is a beautiful thing.
Security, peace, joy, and laughter are also beautiful.
Resembling our Creator is the most beautiful thing of all, because He created beauty... so it doesn't get much better.

When it comes to pursuing beauty we may need to turn off the t.v., set down Vogue, log out of Facebook... and get honest with ourselves. How do we define beauty? How do we see ourselves? Are we living lives saturated with comparison and envy? If so... then something is off, and we need to ask God for help.

The word of God says,

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Striving for perfection is not quiet or gentle. Envy isn't either. And comparison... definitely not.
Those things are mean... loud... destructive... nagging... and so painful...
both to us and to the people around us.

I am tired of it.
I am ready to learn to love myself and enjoy the unique beauty that God has put within me.
And I am praying that you guys would be ready too.

This beauty stuff is literally killing people. Enough already. Its crazy.

So let's start today simply by not talking bad about ourselves. Resist the temptation to complain about your size, shape, skin, or hair. Instead be a life-giver. Speak words that encourage the people around you. I will do it too. I promise, even though it is just a small thing, it will make a world of difference.

"...Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)

Now here is some true beauty! Haha Lily got into her mom's lipstick and jewelry :) 

Grains of Sand.

 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
 They cannot be numbered!
 I can’t even count them;
 they outnumber the grains of sand! 

^{Psalm 139: 17 NLT}

Chile, back in February...

I was down on the beach with some friends and we were getting ready to play volleyball on the sand. Our vision was to connect with the Chileans that would come play with us, and through those connections we could share Christ's love with them.

Well... like the strong, fiery, woman of God that I am ((that was sarcasm))... I was actually (secretly) more focused on my own insecurities than anything else. (I am laughing as I write this because of how crazy this is..)

Here's what was happening in my brain, it's not exact, but you'll get the idea...

"I haven't played volleyball in SO long. What if I'm not as good as these people?... I need to be good... I will do everything I can to impress them with my secret volley-skills...

That guy (a guy other than Shaun) is attractive. Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about him.

Do I look gross right now? Maybe I do. Stop it Jess. Help the people around you. Pray. I feel gross.

Why aren't you praying Jess? How is God going to move?... What are those people thinking of me right now? I'm clearly the worst player here... Come on God, help me to focus on you... help me to be like you... help me to love Shaun even when he is not here on the beach with me... 

I wonder what they think of me.."

Please know that it is not my favorite thing to do, to be this open with you. I hate to admit the garbage that happens inside of me. I would rather you kept thinking that I had things together & that my biggest struggle is the fact that "sometimes I just don't feel like praying".

But I'm trusting God to use this story. 


So back to it... I finish playing a game and plop down on the sand, forcing a smile, & thankful that my pink sunglasses hide my tears. At this point I am just praying and trying to decide if it would be better to walk home or stay on the beach and play another game.

That's when I started counting. My hands were sticky and my wrist had a patch of sand on it that I decided to count, in an effort to get my mind off of things.

When I got to 300 I remembered...

 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
 They cannot be numbered!
 I can’t even count them;
 they outnumber the grains of sand! 

No way. That is SO many thoughts. OUTNUMBERING the grains of sand???

So then I started to ask myself (and the Holy Spirit) what God thinks of me.

"My thoughts toward you are good, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, 

plans to give you a hope and a future." 

Jer. 29:11

"The Lord is merciful & compassionate, slow to get angry, abounding in love.. 

He is good to all, His tender mercies are over all His [creation]" 

Ps. 145:8-9

Those are God's thoughts toward me? The little mopey me, sitting on the sand, feeling like an idiot. 

Somehow He has good thoughts toward me and they outnumber the grains of sand?

That is outrageous. What kind of a God is that? How loving is this guy? That He would have that kind of love for me? 

It's an ironic picture isn't it? I am crying on the sand because of what I think the other people are thinking of me. Yet I am surrounded by millions of grains of sand, representing the beyond MILLIONS of thoughts that my God has for me. 

I am consumed by the few thought (VERY FEW THOUGHTS- think about it, even if that one attractive guy thought bad of me... how many thoughts would he have? I would guess 5 at most. Probably not even that. Because he has way more important things to think about, than how bad at volleyball I was, or how yucky I looked that day.) But anyway, I was consumed by the FEW thoughts that these people had toward me, and I was completely missing the Million Billion Gazillion (I'm no math professor, if you were wondering) thoughts that God has toward me.

So ridiculous. 

Here's the thing... 

We are prone to do that. Prone to obsess over the opinions of others. Prone to wander from our Maker. Prone to be consumed by our own selfishness. But God desires for us not to hand our identities over to others, but to entrust it to Him.

Jesus was an awesome example to us in that. Jesus was beginning His ministry and doing all kinds of amazing things, people were so stoked about Him, they were applauding the things He was doing & basically just adoring Him because of His incredible miracles. But John writes in chapter 2, "He did not entrust himself to man, because he knew what was in a man." That shows me how firmly Jesus had entrusted His identity to the Father... it didn't matter if people were praising His works... He got His worth from the opinion of His Father... This means that later when people cursed Him and hated Him like crazy... His identity still wasn't touched, because they had never been the ones to tell Him who He was. He got His identity from the opinion of the Father ALONE... nobody else could touch that. 

 "And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” 

 Mtw. 3:17

So let's do that. Let's get our identities from the opinion of God. He is crazy about us. His opinion is the only one that matters. He is delighted by us, He is delighted by our obedience to Him... it doesn't matter if people love us, or hate us... in Him our identities are untouchable. 

 ^{Eph. 3: 14-19}For this reason I kneel before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

..."that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God"...

Dorothea

"I am tired of holding onto my old pants that don't fit anymore. It is time that I buy new ones. No one is going to check the tags of my clothes to see if it says medium or large.. so I just need to be happy being me." 

My friend said this to me back in October, not realizing the profoundness of what she was saying. Her name is Dorothea. She is lovely and Swiss.

Dorothea is seriously a hero. She has overcome some intense battles in the area of body image and beauty, she is a blessing and an encouragement to SO many women. A few years ago she arrived to YWAM LA as a student, she mostly spoke Swiss German but being the courageous little firework that she is, she managed to learn English within a few months. She is bold and hilarious and most people would never have guessed the struggle she was facing in her heart when it came to her own physical appearance. 

She tells a story of how one day she complained to me about how she looked, basically saying that she wasn't beautiful because of her size. Being someone passionately against that kind of talk, I told her that she was never to speak like that about herself again. It was a brief interaction but God used it dramatically. Over the course of the next few months God began to speak to her about her appearance, her size, and her beauty.. overwhelming her with truth in ways that she couldn't deny. He lavished His love on her and renewed her mind to a place of freedom and healing. Today she is a mighty woman of faith that is always reminding women that they are "never to speak negatively about their appearance ever again" because of the truth that they are made in the image of an all-beautiful God. Dorothea is passionately leading young women into freedom, showing them who they are in Christ and leading them in how to embrace and really love their appearance.  She speaks out confidently that it doesn't matter if you are a small, medium, large or even XL, its about embracing what we can't change and changing what we can, in order to bestow God's beauty in us to the world. 

Seeing through His eyes

I don't do it. But I try. Desperately. I want to do everything I can to see myself, my life, God, and you through the eyes of Christ. It is vital to see as He does if I am going to live the life that He created me for.

I have had some serious vision problems in my life. I don't mean physically, though I am pretty much blind with out my contacts or my glasses, which I only wear at night. Actually since we are going there, I also wear a retainer at night.. my nerdiness has gotten more discreet as I have gotten older. When I was younger it was no secret that I was on the nerdy end of things.. pretty sure the glasses, braces, and nightly head-gear left no room to wonder. My beauty was inside, deep, deep, deep inside, not even remotely close to the outside. Oh what a tangent I'm on..

Anyway, back to my vision problems, I mean I have had serious issues when it comes to the way I see myself and the world around me. Obviously, when I tell you that I often flirted with the idea of suicide and spent excessive amounts of time harming myself through both cutting and bulimia, it is evident I didn't see things clearly. My interactions with boys also confirmed my skewed vision, I devalued my body, and quietly looked to guys to show me if I was worthy, because inside I didn't feel it. Family issues added to it, and broken friendships confirmed the lies I believed all the more, until I was walking around with a perception of life that was so ridiculously far from the truth, it is a wonder I made it as long as I did.

So how did I go from being that girl to this one? (Though you must know, I am still trying to figure out who exactly 'this one' is. But I do know that I like 'this one' a lot more than I liked 'that one'.) It took death. I had to put that old Jessica to death and be raised again in Christ, because only in Him was I going to be able to see things His way. 

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

What I came to find out in my pursuit of God was that He actually really liked me. So much. He is kind of crazy about me actually. Think about it.. if I told you I was in love with someone who had just been given the death penalty, but I loved them so madly that I was going to take on the death penalty myself, so that they could be free. You would tell me I was out of my mind. I know! I totally agree with you! But that's what our God did for us. He thought we meant more than His life.

So if the Creator of the Universe fancies me. I must be something worth looking twice at. I must be worth more than I thought. Exactly. You are too. 

You are magnificent. A work of art. A masterpiece. You may doubt your worth, but He doesn't. You may doubt your abilities, but He doesn't. You may worry, and be afraid, and stress and be anxious. You may feel hopeless, confused, and broken. He knows. He is ready to heal you and give you new eyes. He wants to restore your perspective so that you are not shaken by the things of this world. In Christ alone you can have security and freedom.

If we don't see ourselves through the eyes of Truth, there is a good chance we will miss out on what we were created for. Doubt, fear, insecurity & unbelief will rob us of the dreams that Heaven has for us and this world will be left yearning for the Light within us that we never realized we had.

"In the same way, let your light so shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Having Vision&& Making the Most of Where We Are

We all do it. The more I open up with people about it, the more I hear "That is so normal." What am I talking about? I am talking about the feeling that happens inside us when we wonder if we are where we are supposed to be. It's the painful questions that rise in our minds when we think of all of the things we have turned down in order to be where we are today... The guy or girl we didn't date. Or the one we didn't stay with. The career we didn't pursue. The passion we didn't follow. The school we didn't go to. The diet we didn't finish. The place we didn't move to. 


Life is full of choices, and when we say "yes" to one thing, we are essentially saying "no" to the other options. One of my biggest fears in my life is that one day when I am like 40 perhaps, then I  will look back at my life and see all of the things I should have done, but didn't. Sometimes I hear adults do it- you ask them what they wanted to do when they were young and they say something like, "Oh I so badly wanted to be an artist, or an athlete, but now I am just a teacher." Notice the emphasis is not on what they wanted, nor what they have become, it is on the "just a", I never want to be a "just a". No matter where I go in life I want to be excited about where I am at, and the decisions I have made. But that temptation to feel like I'm "just" something, is overwhelming. 


I've been praying about this the last few days, because my own questions are making my stomach sick and I'm desperate for answers. True answers. God's answers. My own answers are unreliable, and the world's answers are unimpressive. The world says if you are unhappy in your marriage then divorce; if you don't like life now then leave it and start new; if you don't like your job then step on people and do everything you can to move ahead. I'm not down with that. I have seen and been a part of too many broken situations to believe that those are the best pieces of advice I can find. So then what is God's design? What does He have to say when I am crying alone wondering if I have made the right choices, or if I somewhere in the last few years I went wrong and I am missing out on something? 


God's answer for me was Joseph. The Joseph of Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Joseph is my favorite, I am constantly looking to him to show me how to live. This guy knows how to do things. He is young, good looking, and well-built. His dad favors him, his brothers hate him, and God speaks to him. Joe's brothers end up selling him to be a slave and then they deceive their father into thinking that Joe was killed by a wild animal. Joe is purchased by an Egyptian officer, and he serves the guy faithfully. In fact our man Joey does such an amazing job that he is put in charge of everything the officer owns. Then the officer's scandalous wife notices how much of a babe Joe is, so she tries to sleep with him. Honestly you would think JoeJoe would give in to the temptation, this woman is probably beautiful, and obviously Joe is not getting sex from anywhere else. But out of his love for God and his respect for the officer, he literally runs away from the woman. She is not thrilled about that,  and she is probably embarrassed, so she frames Joseph and claims that he tried to rape her... Joey is thrown into prison. But God was with Joe, and he was promoted to be in charge of all the other prisoners and everything that happens in the prison. Eventually Joe does something supernatural, he correctly interprets the dreams of some of the Pharaoh's main men- this appears to be his ticket out of prison. However he is forgotten about and so therefore, he spends two more years serving God in jail. Eventually though, the Pharaoh needs a dream interpreted and everyone looks to Joey to do the job. After he correctly interprets the dream he is favored so highly that Pharaoh makes him second in command over the entire land of Egypt, only the King has a rank higher than Joseph.


Amazing isn't it? Everything in Joe's life points toward devastation, and yet everything he does prospers. Why is that? My conclusion is that Joe's love for God overwhelms everything else in his life. His desire is to serve God faithfully, no matter where he is, or what the circumstances look like, or how long he will be there. He fully trusts God to take his life where he needs it to be. We see that in chapter 50 verse 20 when Joe is finally reunited with his brothers,


 ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."



Joe's eyes were set on heaven. He did everything he could to make the most of where he was, in order to bring glory to God. He had vision for his life and he followed it. 


There is my answer, and there is yours too. Vision. Our eyes need to be set on God, trusting in 2 things:


1) God is trustworthy.
2) He is with us.


It is important to know that we can trust Him. We can trust that He is big. He is good. He can speak to us. We will hear Him. His perspective is true. He knows more than we do. His plans are to give us a hope and a future. He loves us and He knows what is best for us. We can trust that He will take care of us and meet our needs. We can trust that His word is true and that life on this planet is not the end of the story. We can trust that if we set our eyes on Him then we will be taken places that we never dreamed possible. 


It is vital to know He is with us. He is here. Now. With me. With you. Protecting us. Leading us. Comforting us. Filling us. Strengthening us. Preparing us. Giving us access to supernatural power. Renewing our minds, transforming our hearts, and making us more like Him. We were created for His delight and in Him we find our identity. Everything else grows dim when we experience the fullness of His presence. 


So then what about my questions? Did I go wrong somewhere? Should I have picked college instead of YWAM? Or someone else instead of Shaun? Should I be dancing instead of writing? Or modeling instead of eating so much? 


²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.


Joseph knows it. I know it. My sister Meredith knows it. Amy Plender & Beka Brigleb know it. Liz Wetherby knows it. Shaun knows it. About 30 skaters down the street know it now too. God is in control. Our lives are surrendered to Christ. We can be still now, serve faithfully, and believe for God's best, no matter what shape it takes on. We need to keep our focus on Him, right where we are, because if we remain distracted we will miss out on the blessing that is right in front of us. 




***********
Some practical application... for those like me who need help knowing how to live out the truth when our minds are racing with lies. 


Think of the people in your life and all of the roles you have to fulfill. 
(I will do myself as your example)


I am a:
-Friend
-Sister
-Wife
-Daughter
-YWAM Missionary
-Assistant to an elderly woman
-serve at Models For Christ
-Create leader
-dancer 


Okay so then you think about the end of your life. The real end. Like when you die, and your name is a memory. Now go through your list of roles and decide how you want these people to remember you. 


Example: -Friend- I want be remembered for being faithful, hopeful, not gossiping, encouraging, prayerful, fun, positive, open, listening well, being patient... etc. 


Now you have a template for how to act, no matter the circumstances. So say I have a friend that is making me crazy and frustrating the heck out of me- I know that no matter how I feel, my actions need to line up with the vision that I have set (the way I want to be remembered at the end of life). 


"Where there is no vision people perish" Proverbs 29:18 

Is My Question Answered?

Men. Thousands of them. From all of the world. Rich men. Attractive men. European men that could be on the covers of magazines, if their successful business careers ever left them lacking in finances. 

Then there was me, dressed in black slacks and a somewhat-frumpy-looking red dress shirt that the hiring agency required us to wear. My job was to stand alongside my fellow YWAM friends and greet these great looking gentlemen and point them towards their meal. I did this for hours, for two days, breakfast and lunch, interacting with around 5,000 people.. mostly men. It got quite entertaining for my friends and I to greet the people according to their native language, switching things up from Germany's "Guten Morgen" and France's "Bonjour", to Japan's "Konichiwa"and India's "Namasday".  I also prided myself in the fake British accent I used, feeling extra confident when U.K. natives expected me to treat them as special because "we were both from the same country". 


Aside from all of the fun I was having practicing the different languages, I also experienced a deep battle within me that was undeniable. I felt myself wondering what these men thought of me. Do they think I'm beautiful? Would men of this status find me interesting and desirable? When a few of them acted flirtatious or looked at me with that look I wrestled with feeling bad for enjoying it, and yet also hoping that they would continue to recognize that even though I was hidden in my unflattering outfit, I was still an attractive young woman. All the while I was missing Shaun, because he had been in Asia for just over 20 days at this point, and I think loneliness was helping to fuel my issues with lust and insecurity. 


As I sought God for help, longing for Him to free me from myself, longing to be a faithful wife to Shaun and a faithful daughter of Christ, longing for purity... I felt Him teach me a lesson that I am still seeking to understand. The process went something like this, I will type "the voice of God" but know that it is what I felt Him showing me in my mind and at the time it did not happen as concisely as I will type it:


"Jessica, I can answer your questions. If you do not come to me for the answers you are looking for, you will always be more focused on finding the answers yourself and never move ahead into the purposes I have for your life."


"God, what answers are you talking about?"


"Well Jess, when you go about your day, and are looking to these men, and are focused on your appearance, what is it that you are wondering?"


"I wonder if I am beautiful. I wonder if I am desirable. I wonder if I am smart enough, if I dress well enough, if I am funny enough, if my personality is good enough, or if it is too much. I wonder if one day I will look back and find out that I wasted my life, or that I made too many mistakes, and if only I had just done something differently back when I was in my twenties, then everything would be different. I wonder if I am successful or if I am doing a good job at my life... 
I have lots of questions."


"Yes you do, I know them all very well. I have the answers for you, and I will be faithful to continue showing you the truth about yourself. But if you do not trust in My answers you will continue to allow men to have the power over you that only I am designed to have. If you do not allow Me to answer your questions then every man and every mirror and every situation becomes too powerful. You surrender your life to them and you believe the opinion you perceive them to have over you. Each man that you greet becomes the one who gives you your answer. If they flirt with you then temporarily you have an answer. But if they look past you, then it leaves you wondering again. I am your Creator, your Lover, your Friend, your Husband, your Father, your Lord, your Counselor, and the One that will lead you through life. Trust me to show you the truth about yourself and allow me to fill you. If you can rest in what I have to say about you then you will have the strength to move forward and share my love and life with others. You were made to shine, but when you spend your time lusting for the world, you are hiding your light. Trust in my answers and experience the freedom to be who you were made to be. "


I hope this conversation makes sense. Basically what I am learning is that we have so many questions about ourselves and our lives, and it is tempting to look to the world to get our answers. But only God has the Answer that will truly set us free. We need Jesus and He will give us the grace to trust what He has to say about us. It is not simply a fluffy way for insecure people to feel strong, it is the truth from the Creator of the Universe and no person will truly live free apart from the power of Christ. 

Do Not Love This World- 1 John 2:

 ¹⁵ Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. ¹⁶ For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. ¹⁷ And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.

Insecurity.

Insecurity. That sinking feeling we get when we are using people as mirrors to determine our value. It comes with self-obsession and it becomes self-sabotage. Beth Moore is teaching me that insecurity often disguises itself through perfectionism and is frequently lived out in the tendency to control others. Makes sense... controlling things is an attempt to make things feel secure. Insecurity is a thief that snatches away potential in the most magnificent of people. Strangling the life out of relationships through jealousy and distrust. Planting fear deep in the hearts of its victims, fear so deep and so loud that it drowns out every ounce of the truth that sets us free. 

I remember moments of insecurity in high school, like walking down the hall in my volleyball uniform wondering if because my beautiful friends were the wearing the same outfit as me maybe it accentuated that my thighs were bigger or my chest was flatter than theirs. 

I remember moments of insecurity from a week ago, like in the airport on the way to Bangkok, intrigued by the different people passing by and yet silently taunted by thoughts of appearing plain in the midst of the Los Angeles travelers. 

Insecurity brings death. Death to joy, death to love, and death to a God-ordained purpose. It is not something we simply grow out of. It was there when we were young and it will be there when we are old if we do not do something about it. 

However, I am learning that insecurity can only reign if we give it permission to do so. Most of the time we do not realize that, but we actually do have control over this horrible thing.  

Often times what happens is that we begin focusing our energy and attention on a lie, for example: “I am too big.” Then as that saps the energy from us, another lie creeps in, “Time for another diet.” Now it is certain that our eyes are locked on ourselves and in comes the flood... quickly we spiral into a mess of self-hatred and condemnation: “I had an egg for breakfast, with 2 pieces of toast. I should have had one. I will skip lunch.” ... “I never have self control. I am always behind. I never do this thing right.” ... “Now this adds to the fact that my skin is more broken out than normal.” ... “That girl always makes me look bad. She is so concerned with herself. Maybe if I obsessed over working out I would be as thin as her.” ... 

And it goes on and on and on.  

So what is the answer? I believe it is a victorious process of fighting and healing. Insecurity didn’t just happen to us. Lots of factors brought us to where we are today. But  if we are willing to trust in the truth of God’s word we will not only walk securely, but we will freely lead others into their own security. We begin by asking God to make us secure... and then as we read the Bible we soak up the things He says and apply them to our daily lives. 

Take your thoughts captive to the knowledge of Christ... we need to pay attention to the things we are thinking about and not allow trash to fill our minds. Just as we are careful not to poison our bodies, we need to be careful not to poison our minds with things that lead to death. The truth of Christ brings life, we were created for it. We need it. We can’t possibly this life without it. If we desire to truly be secure in this crazy world we desperately need for God to transform the way we think... 

Romans 12:2 (New Living Translation)

2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.