alive is beautiful.

It was almost 9ish in the PM and he was ready to go out. I had to remind myself to enjoy the spontaneity of it because the planner in me already had the night on lock and there was no ‘adventure with husband’ anywhere on the agenda. There were other things like: tidy up bedroom, go for a jog, and watch some of new friend Carly’s youtube video’s; but I thought husband would be with the skaters last night so I strategically planned a night to get things done. Anyway I put my plans on hold so I could go out with Shaunny which was much better anyway, and it really didn't matter except for the fact that I had been sitting most of the day so I had really wanted to jog. 

I started quietly thinking about my body while we were driving to the store. I had eaten a lot throughout the day. I recounted it, which is what usually happens in my brain on big eating days, it's like all the food I ate stares me right in the face, shaking its head and pointing its finger at me for eating so much. Big bowl of cereal for breakfast. Bigger than normal. Extra snack. Big lunch. Extra bread at lunch. Chips. Big dinner. Chips again after dinner. I didn’t mean to eat so much but I felt unusually hungry so I just kept going. Being on my period is probably most of the reason for my monstrous appetite this week, which answers the question that some of you were thinking... no, I'm not pregnant.... but regardless, the big eating day had my mind whirling.... "big eating" means "big body".... the fear was starting to settle in. 

We stopped at Rite Aid and Lay's BBQ Stax were on sale for a dollar, the kind that come in the Pringles type can, Shaun bought them excitedly because of course it was a great deal, and he gave me a few chips. I ate them and silently regretted it. I was thinking to myself, “...I was supposed to be jogging now, instead I am eating Lay’s...” 

Then after a few more errands Shaun decided he was in the mood for pizza. I know he sounds like a teenage boy, and he kind of is, or at least he would definitely eat like one if he didn't have a wife. He was extra sweet though and despite my obvious hesitation, he insisted that it would be fun to have a late night date. He was right.  So at almost 10pm we found an awesome pizza place in Montrose and each of us ordered a slice. I felt anxious about more food, but tried to relax and enjoy being with him.

The slices were New York style so “one slice” was actually more like 2 or 3 normal slices anywhere else. Mine had spinach and ricotta on it, my favorite. I had to keep to reminding myself how much I loved it because the fear of getting fat was growing louder and louder in my head. 

We found a bench outside by the street because the pizza place was closing. I ate most of my pizza, leaving only a little piece to take home. Shaun and I had a great conversation. We laughed a lot and talked about important things and silly things and I chose to be present. I chose to enjoy him and to enjoy the creamy ricotta and the fluffy crust and the perfect California weather. It was a choice and I knew it. A choice to quiet my fear of getting fat and to be alive to Shaun in that moment. Thankfully I did it.  

When we got home I went for a walk around the parking lot of the church. I listened to music and prayed and I surrendered my body to God, again. 

If you have spent much time on this blog you know that I am someone who values health. We only have one body and it is important to take care of it, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You know that. But my post today is not about that. I don’t need to remind you to eat well and exercise. I don’t need to tell you that drinking water is important and vegetables are important, and the occasional ice cream or late night pizza date is important too because health is holistic, and emotions and relationships with people are just as important as our diets. No, you already know all these things. 

Today I simply felt to remind us that being beautiful is about so much more than our appearance. If I could make you a coffee and tell you this stuff in person I would, but since we are here and I'm staring at a screen instead of into your gorgeous eyes, I'll trust that you will hear this like I feel it.

New mama. I could see you rocking your new baby last night on your front porch as I was walking around the parking lot of the church. It was beautiful. I wanted to tell you that it’s okay if your body doesn’t look like it did 10 months ago. Give yourself grace. You will get the hang of this mom thing and your body will adjust to her new role sooner than you think. You are working miracles right now in nourishing that little one with your very being. You may not look like you wish you did, but I see you, and I think you are exquisite. Beauty is not about having a tiny waist. Beauty is more alive than that. It nourishes and blesses. It comforts and soothes. It loves tenderly even when no one else sees. 

New bride. I hear you. You worked so hard to feel beautiful in that dress and then on the honeymoon you relaxed. The only trouble is that relaxing felt like “getting fat” and now you are home and he wants your body but you want to hide it because you are mad at it for getting bigger. I know sweet one. You’re okay. You are beautiful. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is more alive than that. It welcomes and invites. It radiates with joy and allures with the authentic self, not the perfect self, but the broken self that is dearly loved anyway. 

Girlfriend. I know. All the songs make it seem so good to be you. "Feeling 22". But mostly you feel lonely and confused, smiling on the outside, aching on the inside. No dinner again tonight, because you’re “not hungry.” So hungry. Painfully hungry. Hungry for encouragement. Hungry for someone to see you and know you and remind you that you have what it takes. So you skip meals hoping that even with all those other things missing, at least if you have control, you will feel better. Pretty girl. Beauty is not controlling. Beauty is more alive than that. Beauty confesses. Beauty acknowledges the need to be loved and it is a lover too. Beauty dreams and believes and tries and fails. 

We all long to be beautiful. We were created to be beautiful. But we are daily bombarded with this idea that beauty is an outside thing relating only to our size and skin and hair and clothes. So we get anxious on days when we eat more than we wanted too, and we get deceived into seeing our wonderful seasons of life as our "fat seasons". We find ourselves anxiously trying to rush through them rather than slowing down and soaking them up. 

But beauty is available to us here and now. It is not something that will happen to us once we change this or fix that. It's not a number on the scale or a smaller pant size. Beauty is more alive than that and we have the opportunity to choose beauty today. Exactly where we are. Exactly how we are. We can eat the pizza. We can rock the baby. We can invite people into our story. We can allow the good stuff and the bad stuff and the everything else stuff to just be. We don't have to hide, because hiding isn't protecting us anyway, it is stealing the joy that could be ours by poisoning us with fear. Like the fear of getting fat. Let's reject that fear and choose to be present in this moment. 

Let's come alive friends. Because alive is beautiful. 

in light of fall arriving, a photo from last fall taken by the ever lovely Sarah Grunder. 

Bart and Melissa are gettin hitched!

Melissa and Barty got engaged! 

You know what I love most about their proposal? It was PERFECT for them. Bart knows Melissa's heart, he knows what she loves, and he did everything he could to make this moment perfect for HER... not perfect for any girl... but perfect for Melissa Danley. 

Reminds me of the way God loves us and how intimately He knows us. 

Psalm 139:1-4 (NLT) says,

 O Lord, you have examined my heart

    and know everything about me.

² 

You know when I sit down or stand up.

    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

³ 

You see me when I travel

    and when I rest at home.

    You know everything I do.

⁴ 

You know what I am going to say

    even before I say it, Lord.

God loves everyone.
And yet somehow He has the capacity to love each of personally. He knows us personally and delights in us personally. 

Marriage was created by God to be a picture of His love and commitment to His people... the Bible calls us "the bride of Christ". We are supposed to be able to look at married couples and be reminded of the wonderful, faithful, love of God. A God who will never leave us nor forsake us...

When Bart sent me a facebook message to inform me of his plans to propose to my childhood best friend... I was not only TOTALLY IMPRESSED by his plans... but also thankful... because through hearing about his love for Melissa... I could see, once again, the love that God has for me.

Bart adores Melissa. 

My God adores me.

Bart wanted Melissa to know that he would sacrifice himself for Melissa.

My God sacrificed Himself for me, in Jesus Christ.

Bart loves to do things that make Melissa happy.

My God loves to do things that make me happy.

Bart knows Melissa. 

My God knows me. 

So awesome.

Anyway, I am EXTRA excited to have Barty as my brother and CAN'T WAIT for that wedding! 

Here is part of the message that Bart sent me on Facebook before he proposed, so you can know how he did it.

He popped the question this past weekend... and let me tell you...

IT WAS PERFECT. Like a dream. :) 

Me and Mel are hanging out at her place till 4:10 or so when I'll tell her that I have a surprise for her. We jump in the car and start heading north. A friend of mine, wearing a black ninja mask and driving a vehicle that she won't recognize, will immediately follow us out of the neighborhood tailgating us and following our every turn. I'll keep turning around and make mention of it to make sure she notices. When she starts feeling uneasy about it, I'll pull into another neighborhood just to make sure that he's definitely following and not just a coincidence. Once it's confirmed, (we should be near or in black forest at this point) I'll tell her "There's a little sheriffs office on the north end of Fox Run Park. Let's just drive up there!" Once we get into the park, I'll suddenly "remember" that the road doesn't connect, and it's rot on the other side of these trees... Let's ditch the car and run over this hill to the station!!! Once I convince her to leave the car with me, we'll make it 20 ft on the trail when all of a sudden...... 20 of my friends dressed as ninjas jump out of the trees and bushes, surrounding us! The boldest of them will jump out and say something to the effect of "Give us the girl, and no one gets hurt!" To which I bravely reply "Over my dead body!" 

At this point, my friend with a guitar jumps out and starts playing theme music while an epic battle ensues! After I quickly defeat all the ninja assassins, I take her arm in arm and sing The Way You Look Tonight as my friend plays it on guitar. We walk around the lake, and finish the song as we reach the final location where there's candles and and lanterns hanging from a tree. Under the tree, she'll find a sheet draped over a table. Under the sheet, is a glass jar covering a single rose (just like in beauty and the beast:) attached to the rose is a love letter from her father essentially giving his blessing for the 2 of us. When she finishes reading the letter, she turns around and sees me on my knee at which time I make my great proposal 

We then head back to the car, which will be decorated with window paint and a bouquet of flowers waiting for her. We then go back to her parents house where they want to spend a little private time with her. And from there head to my house where a big party will be waiting for us 

I've got a friend taking pics of everything and another friend taking video of it all so all our bases are covered!

How awesome is that!!

PS. The men we marry are meant to love us in the same way that God loves us. If you are dating someone, or are interested in someone, and they do not resemble Jesus in their actions toward you... marriage alone WILL NOT change that. 

Fashion Week LA. A story.

            The lights were dimmed and the music bumping. Models were lined up backstage waiting for their cue to start walking. It was day 5 of fashion week and the final show was about to begin. Our expectations were high for God to move in these last few hours… but my brain felt fried from all that I coordinated backstage, and my body was exhausted from our twelve-hour shifts.

This was my third season dressing the models at Fashion Week in Los Angeles, and miraculously I had been promoted to “Dressing Team Supervisor”- which meant I worked closely with the backstage director to ensure that every model was dressed perfectly before hitting the runway. By God’s grace, my assistant- Anna Bishop, and I were able to fulfill the responsibilities of this role with excellence, despite having literally NO training at all.

As the last show was about to begin, I started to fear that my fatigue would hinder me from opportunities where God may have wanted to use me in. So I prayed, “Jesus, please don’t let me miss what You are doing. Please use me tonight. Help me to see how I can be a blessing to these people.”

Minutes after praying, I glanced up onto the dark stage at the lineup of girls and noticed that one of the models appeared ill.  I quickly went to her and offered my help. Very weak and barely able to ask for water, she collapsed into my arms, if I had been any later she would have fallen down the stairs. I called for help and within moments we had a team of YWAMers tending to her needs. One girl fanned her, another brought water, another offered juice, one had turkey and bread, another wiped her perspiration, one knelt to pray with her and finally one fixed her lipstick.

She recovered quickly.

Before she went onto the runway I shared with her about the prayer I had prayed right before I caught her. She said, “You know… it’s so crazy. Because I am a Christian too and just before you came over I had prayed, ‘Lord strengthen me because something is really wrong.’… Then you caught me, and all of your friends came to take care of me.”

I was blown away. Not only was she the answer to my prayer... but I was the answer to hers...

“Wow… God really loves His daughters.”

“Yeah,” she paused to think about it, “He really does.”

Praying with one of the models backstage Friday night.
"Those who look to Him are radiant..."

Beauty From Ashes

 My friend from Germany sent me this video and I thought it was cute!

Rejection.

I went to a wedding the other day. Perhaps the best wedding I've ever been too (but I have a feeling I say that about every wedding I go to) either way- it was definitely in my top two!

This one was so very real, that's what I loved about it. The groom really was head over heals in love with his bride. Their vows weren't about the crowd. It wasn't about the photos... or the decor... or the cake, though all of those things were gorgeous. It was about love. The love that the couple had for each other. The love that Jesus had for all of us. And the love shared between the couple and the small group of honored guests that were invited to attend the celebration.

It felt like heaven and earth were hugging for those few hours, and I got to be right in the middle of it. :)

After the sun had set that evening, we all gathered in a small group to listen as musicians were invited to get up one by one and serenade us with their incredible abilities. The groom happens to be one of the greatest musicians I have ever heard, and he has 7 siblings that are all prodigies too, so you can imagine the quality of music we were able to enjoy. It was better than a concert I could have paid for.

I was sitting in the 3rd or 4th row- not that it affected my ability to hear or see, because there were only like 20 of us there. But in front of me were a couple of rows of beautiful single girls. Maybe ten of them were in my direct line of sight. And as I was sitting there, soaking in the lights, the music, and the beauty of the evening... I felt sad in my heart for these girls.

I didn't feel sad that they were single, because being single is a gift that sometimes, if I'm honest with you, I envy.

I felt sad because I know that sometimes weddings, even though they are completely wonderful, have a way of highlighting our own feelings of insecurity and loneliness. They can remind us of a deep desire to be in a relationship, or even to be married, and sometimes those reminders can be torturous. As I looked at these gorgeous girls sitting before me, I imagined the rejection that each of them may have faced so far in their young lives.

I knew a few of these young women personally, and I had heard their traumatic stories of loss and heart break... so that was definitely impacting my thought process. But even for the precious ones that I didn't know... I could imagine their stories, because I know my own story, and the stories of other girls in my life... and that filled me up with enough emotion that I was seriously considering walking up to the front, taking the microphone from the guy singing the love song, and giving these ladies some kind of motivational speech about how stinking valuable they were.

But instead I sat in my chair. Praying. And thinking about rejection.
Thankfully this little blog has become my own microphone and though I'm not always sure if anyone is listening, at least it satisfies my desire to get the words out.

So here's my "speech".

Rejection.

Rejection has a way of ruthlessly haunting us females.

Since we were little girls it has crept up on us and attempted to steal our security and sense of worth.
I know it too well. It plays out in different scenarios, but the outcome is all the same.

Parents divorce, one of them leaves, maybe they remarry, perhaps they even have more children and you are left trying to sort out why you feel so unwanted.

Third grade, the guys prefer to chase her- instead of you- around the playground, and despite everything you do to try and get their attention, nothing works.

Middle school. The guys make a list of every "hot girl" in your grade. You didn't make the list.
Or maybe you did. But even once you're on there, it doesn't stop. The guys proceed to rate every girl's features on a scale of 1-10. 10 being best, 1 being worst. Every "hot girl" is compared, and picked apart. Leaving you wondering where you fall in the eyes of others.

High school. Or even college. Still trying to recover from the past rejections, you look to relationships to redeem yourself and restore the value that you no longer see. You give ourself away. He breaks up with you. You begin again with someone else. He cheats. Or you cheat. By this time you've have gotten so mixed up, its hard to know what is right and wrong. Finally you find someone you are ready to fully invest in. You dream of marrying them... you plan life together... you give your body to them... everything. But then somehow it doesn't work. Or even when it does work you still battle feeling insignificant and valuable. You and him don't trust each other.

Or perhaps rejection crept in simply because you have been single your whole life. Or most of your adult life. And so you hear this thing inside of you that says 'no one will ever want me'. And every time you see others start relationships, or get married, it just confirms that lie that it will never happen to you.

When we are single we imagine this rejection thing will go away with marriage. Well dear ones, I'm here to tell you its not true. If it were true there wouldn't be so many affairs and divorces in our world.

And for me... I personally wish it were true. Because I'd have been free from this garbage for over 3 years now and I wouldn't still struggle so much hoping that guys view me as desirable, lovely, and wanted.

Rejection happens within friendships too. I was just sitting with a friend the other night who expressed to me that she believed that she was easy to forget. She believed that she was disposable, because she had a series of friends who expressed love to her when she was around, but as soon as she left they stopped talking to her, and never invited her out with them.

...

I'm hoping you are seeing what I see. Rejection is everywhere, affecting all of us, and convincing us of things that, if left alone too long, could lead to the end of us.

When we believe that we are rejected, and our value is left in the hands of other people, we are in a place of constantly striving to be enough. It drives us to change ourselves in order to be what we perceive other people want us to be. Or it manipulates us into being bitter, hardened people, that think we are protecting ourselves, but are really starving ourselves from the sweetness of deep relationships.

We are created to be whole. Rejection messes that up.

We can pretend to be whole for a while, but eventually the reality of our brokenness will come out in things like:

-neediness
-constantly feeling disappointed in other people because of our own unrealistic expectations
-imagining that people are thinking things about us.. that they probably aren't actually thinking
-obsessing over where people are and who they are with (especially boyfriends) fearing that we may not have been invited
-being jealous over the successes of others... especially when it comes to their relationships

There are plenty more examples... I've probably lived a hundred of them.

We can go through life pretending that we don't have a problem with rejection. We can call it other things and disguise the condition as something else.

Like, "No I don't have issues trusting my boyfriend, its just that tonight he is being weird, so that's why I'm going crazy texting and calling him nonstop. I just want to be sure everything is okay."

"No, I don't think I'm overly needy. I'm just loyal. And most people don't get that. My heart is just bigger than most peoples'" It is probably true, your heart is big, but precious girl, you're swimming in a sea of rejection... and its time to ask for a life vest.

We were created to be whole. Rejection is not a state that we are meant to live in forever. Yes we may get rejected from time to time. But all of heaven wants to see us get free from that, and move into the awesome plans God has for us.

There is a vibrant, beautiful depth of life that we are missing when we allow ourselves to remain "rejected".

Because the fact is that many of us have been legitimately rejected. Its true. But God has the power to swoop into the most broken parts of our hearts and heal us, so we can be redeemed from those bad situations.

Isaiah 49:15 says,
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!" 

That is God's heart for us, even when people closest to us reject us. Even when family, friends, loved ones... anyone... forgets us... we have a God that has never taken His eyes off of us. When we grasp that truth it has the power to set us free from the pain of even the deepest wounds.

In Him we can find healing, wholeness, and restoration.

In Him, we have everything we need.

Dear Jesus, 

Thank you for whoever you bring to read this blog post. Please will you heal them. Show them how you see them. Free them from whatever residue of rejection might be left on them and bring them to a place of wholeness. Please God fill them with faith in you, and please fill them with hope for the future. You love them so much, please help them to see it. Help me to see it too. We need you. 

In your name, Amen.