thoughts on skinny and beauty and good and bad... and pregnant. #bodyimage

Lately I have been thinking a lot about body image. Probably because I am watching my own body change and grow and I’m having to believe it is good while living in a culture that celebrates skinny. Pregnant ladies aren’t skinny. Pregnant ladies are pregnant. I think pregnant is beautiful but the trouble is this stage in between being my pre-pregnant self and my fully pregnant self, where I look more like I’ve been eating an extra helping of carbs at every meal instead of growing a full on human. Each morning I look in the mirror and the questions start brewing, “Is this normal?... Does this look pretty?... Do I look fat?... Is my weight gain healthy?... Will I look like a whale in a few months and wish I would have done things differently earlier in my pregnancy?... and....and...and...?” It’s no secret that trusting God with my body has been a struggle. I try to be open about that because as I’m learning how to love my own shape I hope I can somehow help others to love theirs as well. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress over the last 5 years, embracing the way I look and accepting it as good, even if it looks different from what I see in magazines and media. But this whole pregnancy thing has brought me back to a type of insecurity that I haven’t felt since high school. It’s not fun. It’s not easy to talk about. And as much as I’d like to ignore it I am choosing instead to feel it with everything in me, because unlike the high school version of me, this Jessica knows God now, and I know He wouldn’t allow me to experience these feelings if He didn’t plan to use them for my good and for the good of those around me. 

I find that much of my struggle is centered around deciding whether or not what I see in the mirror is “good” or “bad”. That’s the part that reminds me of high school. When we are children we are unaware that our body could be good or bad. To us, a body is just a body, and if anything, all bodies are good bodies because they are what we use to hug and play and run. As we get older we become aware of the possibility that a body can be “bad” based on its appearance and the opinions of others. So we quietly start to wonder where our own body falls. We look around to friends at school and girls on TV to see what is “good”. We learn things like... skinny is good.... tall is good... pimples are bad... boobs are good... and then based on what we find around us we start to compare our bodies to this template of “good” that has been created in our minds. As if this process isn’t painful enough, our bodies are actually still developing so we don’t even know what the grown up versions of ourselves will look like. One day we are shapeless toothpicks of girls and the next we wake up having hips and boobs and a complex about how we got so “big”. It’s hard to know whether the body we are wearing is good or bad when we aren’t even familiar with its curves and we are still learning how to dress in a way that is most flattering to our figure. I remember a time when I was going through this process, not that I realized it was happening, and how even meaningless comments from friends began to dictate how I viewed my body. One friend said in dance class, “I hate it when girls try to hide that their thighs touch.” I never knew girls hid the fact that their thighs touched. I never knew that thighs touching was a thing. But in that moment I learned that thighs touching was a problem, something that people want to hide and that’s when I realized how my own thighs touched, and that’s when I learned it was a problem.  “Thighs that touch is bad.” 

  

The same process is happening with me right now. I look in the mirror and I wonder if I am wearing my pregnancy in a good way or a bad way. I wonder if I’m gaining weight in a good way or a bad way. I wonder if I’m beautiful or if I’m just a vessel growing a child, which somehow makes me exempt from the whole needing to be beautiful thing. 

But this week I had a thought. What if I got to decide what was good? What if I stopped waking up hoping that beauty would somehow happen to me, and I decided to define good before looking in the mirror. Because it seems like good and bad in beauty is mostly based on magazines and media, at least that’s how it is in my world, but I happen to be personal friends with a handful of girls who I am certain everyone one else in my life would call “good” for being absolutely perfect physically, and even those girls confess to me how inadequate and unattractive they feel. We all feel “bad”. We all feel like we have missed it and that beauty is a thing only attained by some other girl with some other body. 

What if I stopped basing my definition of “good” or “bad” on what the world says about beauty and what if I chose to let God define it for me? What if I believed that I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” the way the Bible says I am? What if I chose to agree with the reality that the beautiful God who made me, the same beautiful God who made oceans and sunsets and twinkly stars, actually made me to resemble Him, which means that I am beautiful simply because He was beautiful first? What if I decided that my pregnancy was good, that my pregnant body looked good, because it was performing a miracle that it has never ever done before? What if we decided that all bodies were good? Perhaps if we stopped chasing skinny and stopped chasing beauty then we could start celebrating our bodies and rewarding them for all of the good they do. Even if we are overweight. Even if we are out of shape. Those don’t need to be reasons to punish our bodies. If we began to view our bodies as good, right now, exactly as they are, then we could start to treat them tenderly and nourish them accordingly. Good bodies deserve health. Bad bodies deserve to be strained, starved, and neglected. Bad bodies aren’t worth our best. Good bodies deserve to be loved. 

Whether we are a 16 year old in a high school hallway, or a 26 year old in her first pair of maternity shorts, the desire to be beautiful is real and the way we think about our bodies is a choice. The more we develop patterns in our hearts of thanking God for forming us and pursuing health in these figures He has given us, the easier it will become to love the way we look. That process looks differently for each of us but for me it means guarding my heart from spending too much time online or in magazines, it means not weighing myself unless I’m at the doctor’s office, and it means not being critical of myself in my thoughts or in my speech. This body I am in is a gift. Your body is a gift. Good gifts from a good God. Let’s learn to trust His goodness and embrace the beauty that is already ours. 

You have a good body. A really good one. I pray you see it. 

Amen. 

Some Christmas time photos from Michigan. Just because I love them. 

trusting beyond chapter 2.

Ever since I learned to read I have loved to do it. I was the first one in my first grade class to read an entire chapter book and get my name on the wall. Remember that girl? Yep, it was me. Before I tried out for the volleyball team in 7th grade I went to the Colorado Springs library and checked out a book on volleyball. That's where I learned that the term, "shag your balls" wasn't actually sexual and didn't have anything to do with Austin Powers. When I was going to audition for Kathryn Grant's Dance Company at 15 years old, I went back to the same library and got a book about dance. Since it helped so much with my middle school and high school volleyball career, I was certain it would help with dance too. I ended up making the dance company before I finished reading chapter one, which was convenient because it started going into the history of ballet and I'm sorry to the historians and ballerinas... but it was completely boring. When I was 19 and wanted to learn about Jesus, I read books about Him. When I wanted to learn about marriage and leadership, more books. Today my preferred reading materials have expanded to include both books and blogs and I read more now than ever. I read for fun and I read for the sake of learning new things. I love it.

I am a particular kind of reader. I'm what you call a "read-the-last-chapter-of-the-book-if-it-gets-too-intense-to-make-sure-I-can-handle-this-part-of-the-book" type of girl. Did you get that? It goes like this, if I am on chapter 2 and the story is getting all twisty and my emotions are getting all twisty with it, I skip ahead to the end and read the last chapter, then if I like what I find back there, I return to twisty chapter 2, but if I don't like it, I set the book down and go look for another. Horrible right? A little bit. But it's my favorite way to do it. I think its because I am a deep feeler so the words on the page quickly become my reality, and if I am going to give myself over to experiencing something really intense, I need to know it will be worth it in the end.

There is something interesting I observed about myself recently though. I've found that its easier to not jump ahead to the end of the book if I trust the author. Take Shauna Niequist for instance. I think she is so great. Everything I have read of hers has blessed me like crazy. So now I am at a point where I am not even tempted to rush to the end of her stories because I am confident that she will not leave me hanging as a reader. If she introduces me to sadness or those twisty feeling I told you about, I know very soon she will also lead me to a place of hope, because that's what she always does and I like it very much.

Anyway I've noticed that my reading style is not so different from my lifestyle. I am extra good at enduring tough stuff when I can see the ending and understand why it will be worth it, but I'm prone to giving up if I can't see a promise of hope in what I'm going through. When I face something hard, all I want is to read the last chapter and know if the struggle I'm experiencing will lead to something redemptive and beautiful. The problem with life though is that most of the time the end of the story feels beyond reach, and when that happens I end up wanting to just close the book and start another, different, better story altogether.

I know that our favorite stories always involve struggle. The struggle makes the celebration at the end all the more exciting. We find ourselves rejoicing tearfully as the couple finally gets to be together, or the underdog finally wins the game, or the bad guy finally gets the justice he deserves. We endure those twisty feelings of chapter 2 when we believe that the ending will be a good one.

As I find myself walking through my own struggles without access to the last chapter of my story, I begin to consider my Author. Do I trust Him?  Enough to endure this? Because if I don't trust Him then my only alternative is to attempt to take his job, I move from being a character in the story to acting as the author of it. "My life, my story." Right? This mentality works for a little while until life inevitably reminds me that control is an illusion and at the end of the day I don't have the power to decide if my health will remain or my loved ones will live or even if the economy will be on my side. And if an "author" can't even control the variables in her own story, then she is not a very good author anyway. Which brings me back to determining whether or not I believe that the Author of my story is trustworthy.

The way I learned to trust Shauna Niequist was by reading her work. So naturally if I am going to decide if I trust my own Author, I am going to need to get familiar with His work.

His work. Genesis. The woman who endured decades of infertility finally had a baby. She was over 90 years old. The brother who was wrongly sold into slavery and unfairly spent years in prison, was eventually set free and made the leader of a nation. Exodus. Slaves miraculously set free from slavery. Their enemies defeated. Psalms. The pure-hearted man who is being attacked by a crazy, jealous, insecure leader finds peace, protection and promise. Isaiah. The people who disobey their Maker over and over and over again, are offered forgiveness and a new beginning. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. New beginnings. Always, always new beginnings. The dead girl miraculously restored to life. The slutty girl, given respect and dignity. The sick woman healed. The hopeless woman prone to hiding is given purpose and brings life to her community. Acts. Sick people healed. Dead people raised. Ephesians. Identity. Broken people restored. Poor people experience the riches of a meaningful life. Rich people experience the joy of generosity. Revelation. Every tear wiped away. No more sickness. No more heartache. New beginnings. Again.

All of that and I didn't even mention the part about sending His Son as Savior of the world.

His work invites me to trust. When I am tempted to close the book and start again, or when I wonder whether there is even really an Author at all, I remember His work and I choose trust. I choose to trust that nothing is wasted. I choose to trust that new beginnings are everywhere. I trust redemption is coming. I trust that struggle and heartache are opportunities for glory. My Author writes meaning into the mundane and purpose into the chaos and I trust Him. My Author writes peace into storms and life into barren places and I trust Him.

When I am tempted to give up and start again I remind my soul, or perhaps the Author reminds my soul, "Stay with it Jess. The page will turn. The twisty feelings in chapter 2 will be worth it. Trust."

Our Author promises hope. Always hope.

So we keep on keepin' on and believe together for an ending that will make the middle worthwhile.

In the words of everybody's favorite fish,
"Just keep swimming."

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

(Photos by Sarah Grunder Photography.) 

New video devo. Beauty Arise.

Hey friends.
There's a new Beauty Arise devo on youtube.
It's me.
It's about being real.
And not giving in to comparison.
You'll like it.
PS. For some reason it won't post on here like normal...
so you'll have to go to the link below!

http://youtu.be/y1UtwqH7MUk 

photo by Sarah Grunder. from the time we tried to make a flower crown but the sun went down so we gave up. 

Skinny makes a terrible lord.

lord

lôrd noun

1. someone or something having power, authority, or influence; a master or ruler.

1. 
   

   I hate skinny. 
   Not skinny as in the latte. 
   I hate skinny, as in the lord. 

   
   

   Everyone I have ever observed in life has a "lord". By definition a "lord' is someone or something that has authority over you. It is something that is worshipped, something that is sought after, something that gives purpose for life, and something that determines how all decisions are made. The lord of somebody's life is their center of thinking. A lord determines how money is spent, how energy is expended, and how circumstances are viewed. 

   
   

   I recently decided that I HATE THE LORD OF SKINNY. I have both yelled it at Heaven in my prayers for friends and vented it at my poor husband Shaun just this past week. 

   
   

   I think you hate it too.
   You just might not know what it is that you hate. 

   
   

   When skinny is the lord of your life it can look like this:

   
   Your happiness is dependent on your size. You are not content until you are skinny. You don't think you are skinny. You may have never thought you were skinny, and yet you have desired to be skinny with everything in you for as long as you can remember. Even when you feel like your body is "an okay size" you still have anxiety about eating and exercise because you are fearful of getting bigger. You have read books and magazines on how to be thin. You obsess over what you eat. You even pay attention to what other people are eating- especially other girls. You study their bodies, comparing yourself, and you allow their size to tell you how secure you should feel around them. If you are bigger than them, you feel less beautiful. If you are smaller, it is likely you feel more secure. But you are not secure. You feel like you would be secure if you lost some weight... but you are not there yet. Your life revolves around your weight, but most people don't realize that because you do what you can to keep it a secret. Being skinny is your motivation for working out. You say you really value 'health", but in reality you sacrifice true health in your pursuit of being skinny. You think you are single because you are too big. Or you decide that only skinny girls get married. Or you conclude that only skinny girls are truly happy. If you eat too much on a certain day, you beat yourself up internally for the next few days, feeling like a failure until you get the opportunity to eat well and exercise again. Shopping makes you feel fat, especially when you try on clothes and they don't fit well. When you see a photo of yourself you first look at your size, and you usually think you look big, which usually leads you to hate the picture, even if you were actually having fun when it was taken. 

   
   

   There's more I can say but I'll stop there because I think you get the idea. 

   
   

   I want you to know something. I want EVERYONE to know it. 

   
   

   THE LORD OF SKINNY IS A LIAR. 

   
   

   He is dangling an image of beauty in front of you that is neither real, nor attainable, and the more you devote yourself to obtaining it, the more empty and frustrated you will feel. The lord of skinny wants you to hate yourself. He wants you to forfeit the dreams God has put in you. He sees that you are a leader and he wants you to lead other girls into confusion about their identities. He wants to use you to create a culture that makes those around you feel insecure, hideous, and unworthy of everything God has for them. 

   
   

   As we wander after the illusion that being skinny will make us happy, we are becoming less patient and less loving to those around us. The lord of skinny has convinced us that beauty is found in being thin, but in actuality, our pursuit of being skinny has made us less beautiful. 

   We have become selfish. 

   We have become isolated. 

   We have become envious. 

   We have lost our joy. 

   
   

   So where is the hope?

   
   

   The hope is in the fact that skinny does NOT have to be lord. As Christians we are to make Jesus the Lord of our lives. When Jesus is Lord our lives things will look vastly different from those who are worshipping the lord of skinny. I would know. I used to be somebody that revolved my thoughts & energy around my desire to be thin, but I have now found freedom in surrendering my body into the hands of my loving Creator. 
   I have given Him permission to have His way in me and it has changed everything! 

   
   

   Unlike the lord of skinny, the Lord Jesus loves us. He wants us to find joy and hope in Him as we discover the unique beauty He has placed in us. The Lord Jesus wants us to love ourselves. He wants us to fulfill the dreams God has placed in us. He sees that we are leaders and He wants us to lead other girls into freedom in their identities. He wants to use us to create a culture that makes those around us feel secure, beautiful, and worthy of everything God has for them. 

   
   

   The Lord Jesus desires health for our hearts, health for our minds, and health for our bodies. As we pursue Him we will become like Him, and out of that will come a beauty that is undeniable. 

   
   

   "Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered in shame." 
   Psalm 34:5 

   
   

   Okay friends. I love you. Please hear my heart. It doesn't matter what movies, or people, or pinterest, or magazines or anybody else is telling you about your beauty... you do not have to live in submission to the lord of skinny. Trust your Creator. Surrender your body to Him. Allow Him to work in you, bringing forth life and health and beauty according to His design. You are exquisite. 

   
   

   I pray that you will experience the freedom that comes with surrendering your lives and your bodies to the Lord Jesus Christ-- the Prince of Peace and the Lover of your souls.
   
   You are a treasure.

   
   

   Thanks for listening to my rant. :)

   

   It would be a tragedy to think that beauty is limited to just one size, one shape, one color, or one standard.
   So much would be lost if we really believed that. Diversity is a gift from God.
   As women we should celebrate the uniqueness in ourselves & in others.
   Its a beautiful thing to be different. 

   
   

a story of healing. bulimia && alcolohism.

This is an entry that I am reposting from my good friends, Shane and Christina Nearman. ((They are the International Directors of Models For Christ and are currently living in England (hopefully they will return to California soon!! and hopefully they will have adorable THICK British accents too!))

This is one of the most powerful stories of God's healing and restoration that I have ever been a part of. 

Robin Curuz (the author of this post) is a good friend of mine. 

I met her 3 years ago... she was dying... 

I had breakfast with her 3 days ago... and she is healed. 

I pray you are encouraged by her story. 

Being asked to write about my healing process is funny because, in treatment for an eating disorder, my first session with my counselor ended with him asking me to consider whether I wanted to be saved or healed. He told me those were two very different things and that while I might desperately want relief he wasn’t sure I was willing to go through the process of healing, which would require patience and work.

It HAS been a process, but relative to the 11+ years I was enslaved by my addiction to food and my appearance, this time of recovery has been like the blink of an eye. More importantly, all those years I had been so afraid because I thought I was alone. These past three years, though extremely challenging and uncomfortable at times, I have known Help and Love are with me always.

When I called Christina for the first time I had been brought to my knees by bulimia and didn’t believe there was any hope for me. I don’t remember much of our conversation, but one thing I remember clearly was saying I didn’t want to say the name Jesus…I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to. She helped me by letting me repeat a prayer after her. When I went to Models for Christ for the first time I was moved to tears by the worship but didn’t understand much of what was being said. I was baffled that people prayed for other people (I had always only thought of myself!) and, though I didn’t understand why, I really believed the love and joy in their eyes was sincere. A few women prayed over me my second time there and when I said I didn’t want to pray to Jesus because I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t know Him, one said something along the lines of “isn’t that exactly what the enemy would tell you…that you don’t know Him enough to pray to Him”. That set me free.

Soon after that, a man from Remuda Ranch called Christina just as her speaker for that week was cancelling (wow!) and so, ended up speaking to us about eating disorders, image and who we are in Christ. He told me after that meeting that I would probably need to be separated from the behavior cycle I was in so an impatient treatment would be helpful. When I went for the physical he suggested I get, my doctor told me he didn’t know much about eating disorders and that I should see a specialist. The nurse came back in with a list of references and on top was a little blue post-it that said “Remuda Ranch” (whoa!).

A woman who had been healed of an eating disorder was also brought to me at MFC and it was her and a bunch of amazing people at YWAM LA who prayed with me before asking my family for financial support and helped me move everything out of my apartment. The way I saw it, they didn’t know me and had no reason to love me or help me…but they said they did it because they loved Jesus. I struggled to believe them…but still couldn’t wrap my mind around it (now I can!!).

One of the most pivotal experiences I had at Remuda Ranch was when the body image counselor explained to me that I had inherent worth to God; I could do nothing to make Him love me less and nothing to make Him love me more. I am STILL meditating on that and trying to really embrace it. It changes everything! 

My aunt and uncle came to see me there for family week and during one of the sessions I thought “what if I moved to Miami to live with them?!…well…I’d never ask them…so, God, if you want me to go to Miami they will have to ask me”. The next break my uncle looked at me and said “Rob, what do you think about coming to live with us in Miami?” (wow!…the prodigal niece!) I had so many ties to my addictions in LA and was such a slave to appearances, so I knew I needed a change but I was also very afraid of moving away from the people and giving up everything I knew…everything I thought I had. Really, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Making that move was the first time I did something I was afraid to do because I believed it was what God wanted, so it had to work out.

At that time, I was on 3 different psychiatric medications and had a treatment team of five different professionals. I had been in therapy since childhood, was put on antidepressants at the age of 16 to treat my anorexia and had been on 10+ other medications since. My body had not functioned properly in over a decade and I had never eaten regularly or had a healthy relationship with food.

I began working at a gym on South Beach, where I was tormented with thoughts of self-pity, envy and suicide constantly. Mornings, I woke to a fear that was nearly paralyzing and I slept as often as possible to escape the way I felt. My depression and anxiety were not responding to any of the treatment and my psychiatrist was recommending electroshock therapy. One of the most beautiful things about that time was God gave me coworkers who spoke to me about Him and the things He had promised me in His Word. The ONLY time I had any relief was when I talked with others about Jesus and when they prayed with me. This increased my faith so much because I had tried EVERYTHING to find relief.

At 17 years old, when my mother died of alcoholism, I was living like an animal. I was binging, purging, drinking myself unconscious as often as possible and stealing from and stepping on anyone who got in my way. I was set free from the alcohol addiction at 18 but for the following 8 years, used my eating disorder, destructive relationships, therapy, medications, shopping, chanting, hypnosis, self-help…ANYTHING I could get my hands on, to try and fix what was wrong with me. In ignorance, I criticized and stayed far away from anyone who spoke the truth and surrounded myself with those who supported my addictions.

THIS is why I am still in AWE of how Jesus drew me to Himself. He NEVER gave up on me. Now I am grateful for every moment that brought me closer to knowing Him.

In the months after Remuda, I began to accept that my problem was spiritual and that God was my ONLY hope. I learned how to take inventory of my thoughts and combat them with the truth, started daily practicing prayer and meditation and worked hard to stay focused on who He is and what He has done for me. I was guided through examining my past with a new perspective to heal resentments, identify harm I caused and make amends wherever possible. I was given all the support I needed in friends and family and also learned how important it was for me to be of service to them and all those around me.

Slowly, I became abstinent and found a joy and a peace I had never known possible. My mind became quiet enough to hear the guidance that I was promised and I found that when I let God direct my paths things go MUCH better in my life. People often asked me if I was in love or had “met someone special” (YES!) or how I always kept a smile on my face. I still find myself amazed that a life free of fear is even possible. The old way of living had seemed SO very real. It really is true – God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

Six months ago I slowly began making art again. I had failed out of art school because I could not handle any kind of pressure without self destructing. Without knowing my worth in Christ, I had always believed it was determined by my art, my appearance and the attention I got from others. The pressure to succeed and the fear of failure had been unbearable. I still don’t know how some people seem to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and live life. I can’t do anything without God.

My first experiences with drawing again were incredible. I had no question in my mind that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I had moments outside of time where I felt more complete and content that ever before. When I made time and space to meditate and ask for guidance I was FILLED with inspiration and ideas for many days in a row. As I began to take further steps to start painting again, I first had almost unbearable headaches and, when that didn’t stop me, I was filled with the tormenting thoughts again…of doubt, insecurity and fear of failure. I kept showing up and putting in the time and I still pray before every time I paint. Without that Help, I would not have been able to keep going. Those first few weeks taught me so much! I would have thoughts about how impossible it all was…and when I’d take those thoughts to God He would remind me “I’m God!”….and I’d feel so silly!

I have been abstinent from my eating disorder for over two years now and God has healed everything in my body and my mind. When I had my closing session with my dietician she told me she had not believed that recovery would be possible for me. She also said that she knew it was my seeking help from God that made all the difference (sooo cool!).

NOTHING and NOBODY is beyond His Grace, His Healing and His Hope.

I am so very grateful to Christina, Shane and everyone at MFC LA and Miami for telling me that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. I’d go through it all again and again to never live another day without knowing.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. -Matthew 7:7

reunited for the first time in 3 years! we used to meet at this coffee shop in Montrose, Ca often so I could teach her more about Jesus and pray for her healing! now three years later she is teaching me about Jesus and praying for the healing of others! God is so good!! 

How they see me...

Should be irrelevant shouldn't it?

Who are they to decide whether I'm smart or beautiful or talented or successful? When did they get permission to be the ones determining whether my body is the right shape, or my hair is the right length? Why am I okay with letting their opinion of me being THE opinion of me?



Isn't it strange? So often we allowing others to tell us who we are... And we change ourselves in order to be what we think they are looking for.

This week I submitted my picture for a potential modeling job. I was extra nervous. In my email to the company I asked what kind of look they were going for. They responded- "preferably a brunette or redhead with a unique, strong, interesting face".

"Crap."
That's what I thought to myself.

A strong face? Interesting? What does that even mean?
Surely I don't have it.
People have said I have an American face...
And a smiley face...
But never strong and never interesting.
And I know I'm not a red-head... but am I even a brunette?
I don't know... I think so... but my ends are lighter than my roots...

So guess what happened next? Anxiety happened.

I quietly allowed thoughts of despair to take over... Leading me into a whirlwind of negativity.

It didn't last too long, because by Gods grace I am a lot stronger now than I used to be. It's easier to separate truth from lies. But still... For those few hours I spent in the "pit"... It wasn't pretty.

I ran through all the reasons I wasn't good enough to model. It became bigger than this one job... It became about my identity.

I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.

Yes... Drama queen Jessica worked herself into a tear-filled mess.

UNTIL....
I decided that I was tired of my own thoughts and ready to ask God for His.

Turns out, while I was being dramatic about my un-interesting face, God wasn't even phased. In fact, He was still on the throne, still taking care of the details of my life, and still totally content with the way He made me. Actually He reminded me that He really loves my face and He didn't make any mistakes on it.

It's so easy to believe the lies telling us that we are only as good as someone else thinks we are... But truth is... Our opinion of ourself should come from the Creator... Not from our fellow creation. God delights in His children... We resemble Him. He is the artist and we are the masterpieces.

The only way to have true peace in this crazy world is to have intimacy with Jesus, who is called "the Prince of Peace".

So about that modeling job... I didn't take it. Not because my face wasn't interesting enough, but just because I actually wasn't available on the day they wanted to shoot photos.

All that anxiety was for nothing.

Its always like that.
Anxiety does nothing.
Trusting Jesus is the only way to live securely in our identities.

Praying you find rest in His opinion of you today.

(( to carry with the theme of "how they see me", I decided to post photos I found of me that other people posted on instagram recently. Just for fun... This is literally how they saw me... :) ))

Seeing through His eyes

I don't do it. But I try. Desperately. I want to do everything I can to see myself, my life, God, and you through the eyes of Christ. It is vital to see as He does if I am going to live the life that He created me for.

I have had some serious vision problems in my life. I don't mean physically, though I am pretty much blind with out my contacts or my glasses, which I only wear at night. Actually since we are going there, I also wear a retainer at night.. my nerdiness has gotten more discreet as I have gotten older. When I was younger it was no secret that I was on the nerdy end of things.. pretty sure the glasses, braces, and nightly head-gear left no room to wonder. My beauty was inside, deep, deep, deep inside, not even remotely close to the outside. Oh what a tangent I'm on..

Anyway, back to my vision problems, I mean I have had serious issues when it comes to the way I see myself and the world around me. Obviously, when I tell you that I often flirted with the idea of suicide and spent excessive amounts of time harming myself through both cutting and bulimia, it is evident I didn't see things clearly. My interactions with boys also confirmed my skewed vision, I devalued my body, and quietly looked to guys to show me if I was worthy, because inside I didn't feel it. Family issues added to it, and broken friendships confirmed the lies I believed all the more, until I was walking around with a perception of life that was so ridiculously far from the truth, it is a wonder I made it as long as I did.

So how did I go from being that girl to this one? (Though you must know, I am still trying to figure out who exactly 'this one' is. But I do know that I like 'this one' a lot more than I liked 'that one'.) It took death. I had to put that old Jessica to death and be raised again in Christ, because only in Him was I going to be able to see things His way. 

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

What I came to find out in my pursuit of God was that He actually really liked me. So much. He is kind of crazy about me actually. Think about it.. if I told you I was in love with someone who had just been given the death penalty, but I loved them so madly that I was going to take on the death penalty myself, so that they could be free. You would tell me I was out of my mind. I know! I totally agree with you! But that's what our God did for us. He thought we meant more than His life.

So if the Creator of the Universe fancies me. I must be something worth looking twice at. I must be worth more than I thought. Exactly. You are too. 

You are magnificent. A work of art. A masterpiece. You may doubt your worth, but He doesn't. You may doubt your abilities, but He doesn't. You may worry, and be afraid, and stress and be anxious. You may feel hopeless, confused, and broken. He knows. He is ready to heal you and give you new eyes. He wants to restore your perspective so that you are not shaken by the things of this world. In Christ alone you can have security and freedom.

If we don't see ourselves through the eyes of Truth, there is a good chance we will miss out on what we were created for. Doubt, fear, insecurity & unbelief will rob us of the dreams that Heaven has for us and this world will be left yearning for the Light within us that we never realized we had.

"In the same way, let your light so shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16