alive is beautiful.

It was almost 9ish in the PM and he was ready to go out. I had to remind myself to enjoy the spontaneity of it because the planner in me already had the night on lock and there was no ‘adventure with husband’ anywhere on the agenda. There were other things like: tidy up bedroom, go for a jog, and watch some of new friend Carly’s youtube video’s; but I thought husband would be with the skaters last night so I strategically planned a night to get things done. Anyway I put my plans on hold so I could go out with Shaunny which was much better anyway, and it really didn't matter except for the fact that I had been sitting most of the day so I had really wanted to jog. 

I started quietly thinking about my body while we were driving to the store. I had eaten a lot throughout the day. I recounted it, which is what usually happens in my brain on big eating days, it's like all the food I ate stares me right in the face, shaking its head and pointing its finger at me for eating so much. Big bowl of cereal for breakfast. Bigger than normal. Extra snack. Big lunch. Extra bread at lunch. Chips. Big dinner. Chips again after dinner. I didn’t mean to eat so much but I felt unusually hungry so I just kept going. Being on my period is probably most of the reason for my monstrous appetite this week, which answers the question that some of you were thinking... no, I'm not pregnant.... but regardless, the big eating day had my mind whirling.... "big eating" means "big body".... the fear was starting to settle in. 

We stopped at Rite Aid and Lay's BBQ Stax were on sale for a dollar, the kind that come in the Pringles type can, Shaun bought them excitedly because of course it was a great deal, and he gave me a few chips. I ate them and silently regretted it. I was thinking to myself, “...I was supposed to be jogging now, instead I am eating Lay’s...” 

Then after a few more errands Shaun decided he was in the mood for pizza. I know he sounds like a teenage boy, and he kind of is, or at least he would definitely eat like one if he didn't have a wife. He was extra sweet though and despite my obvious hesitation, he insisted that it would be fun to have a late night date. He was right.  So at almost 10pm we found an awesome pizza place in Montrose and each of us ordered a slice. I felt anxious about more food, but tried to relax and enjoy being with him.

The slices were New York style so “one slice” was actually more like 2 or 3 normal slices anywhere else. Mine had spinach and ricotta on it, my favorite. I had to keep to reminding myself how much I loved it because the fear of getting fat was growing louder and louder in my head. 

We found a bench outside by the street because the pizza place was closing. I ate most of my pizza, leaving only a little piece to take home. Shaun and I had a great conversation. We laughed a lot and talked about important things and silly things and I chose to be present. I chose to enjoy him and to enjoy the creamy ricotta and the fluffy crust and the perfect California weather. It was a choice and I knew it. A choice to quiet my fear of getting fat and to be alive to Shaun in that moment. Thankfully I did it.  

When we got home I went for a walk around the parking lot of the church. I listened to music and prayed and I surrendered my body to God, again. 

If you have spent much time on this blog you know that I am someone who values health. We only have one body and it is important to take care of it, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You know that. But my post today is not about that. I don’t need to remind you to eat well and exercise. I don’t need to tell you that drinking water is important and vegetables are important, and the occasional ice cream or late night pizza date is important too because health is holistic, and emotions and relationships with people are just as important as our diets. No, you already know all these things. 

Today I simply felt to remind us that being beautiful is about so much more than our appearance. If I could make you a coffee and tell you this stuff in person I would, but since we are here and I'm staring at a screen instead of into your gorgeous eyes, I'll trust that you will hear this like I feel it.

New mama. I could see you rocking your new baby last night on your front porch as I was walking around the parking lot of the church. It was beautiful. I wanted to tell you that it’s okay if your body doesn’t look like it did 10 months ago. Give yourself grace. You will get the hang of this mom thing and your body will adjust to her new role sooner than you think. You are working miracles right now in nourishing that little one with your very being. You may not look like you wish you did, but I see you, and I think you are exquisite. Beauty is not about having a tiny waist. Beauty is more alive than that. It nourishes and blesses. It comforts and soothes. It loves tenderly even when no one else sees. 

New bride. I hear you. You worked so hard to feel beautiful in that dress and then on the honeymoon you relaxed. The only trouble is that relaxing felt like “getting fat” and now you are home and he wants your body but you want to hide it because you are mad at it for getting bigger. I know sweet one. You’re okay. You are beautiful. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is more alive than that. It welcomes and invites. It radiates with joy and allures with the authentic self, not the perfect self, but the broken self that is dearly loved anyway. 

Girlfriend. I know. All the songs make it seem so good to be you. "Feeling 22". But mostly you feel lonely and confused, smiling on the outside, aching on the inside. No dinner again tonight, because you’re “not hungry.” So hungry. Painfully hungry. Hungry for encouragement. Hungry for someone to see you and know you and remind you that you have what it takes. So you skip meals hoping that even with all those other things missing, at least if you have control, you will feel better. Pretty girl. Beauty is not controlling. Beauty is more alive than that. Beauty confesses. Beauty acknowledges the need to be loved and it is a lover too. Beauty dreams and believes and tries and fails. 

We all long to be beautiful. We were created to be beautiful. But we are daily bombarded with this idea that beauty is an outside thing relating only to our size and skin and hair and clothes. So we get anxious on days when we eat more than we wanted too, and we get deceived into seeing our wonderful seasons of life as our "fat seasons". We find ourselves anxiously trying to rush through them rather than slowing down and soaking them up. 

But beauty is available to us here and now. It is not something that will happen to us once we change this or fix that. It's not a number on the scale or a smaller pant size. Beauty is more alive than that and we have the opportunity to choose beauty today. Exactly where we are. Exactly how we are. We can eat the pizza. We can rock the baby. We can invite people into our story. We can allow the good stuff and the bad stuff and the everything else stuff to just be. We don't have to hide, because hiding isn't protecting us anyway, it is stealing the joy that could be ours by poisoning us with fear. Like the fear of getting fat. Let's reject that fear and choose to be present in this moment. 

Let's come alive friends. Because alive is beautiful. 

in light of fall arriving, a photo from last fall taken by the ever lovely Sarah Grunder. 

Dear 18 year old,

Me at 18. It's a beautiful photo (of course with plenty of editting done to it).
I didn't see myself then the way I see myself now.
I was newly following Christ, and freshly recovering from my eating disorder.
I'm SO thankful for everything these last 5 years have taught me. 

Dear 18 year old, 

I was thinking about you today. 

About how life was when I was 18. 

And how you might be feeling now. 

There are a few things I've learned over the last 5 years that I wish I knew when I was your age. I thought I should share some with you.

I hope this helps. 

1. "Fish are friends. Not food."

Remember that line from Finding Nemo? When the sharks say that over and over, when they are trying not to eat fish? 

Well friend... that line from the movie has inspired my first thought... Please remember it.

"Boys are friends. Not food." 

As cute as they are. They cannot fill you. Sometimes in our loneliness we end up going to guys for things they were never meant to give us... Like our identities. Don't do it. It will only leave you more insecure than before. Invest in healthy friendships with guys. You'll be pleasantly surprised by how fun it is to genuinely love them, rather than always focusing on ways of getting them to love you. 

2. "Don't give your cookie away." This is advice my friend was given from an African American woman last week... "Don't give your cookie away!" Meaning- don't give your purity away! You will want to. I know. We do it for lots of reasons. But please trust me. It is not the best way to do relationships. I've been there. I'll write more on the subject another time but my main point is that being sexual with someone makes you feel closer to them than you really are... It fogs up your ability to think clearly... It changes your priorities... And makes it much harder to know whether or not the relationship is truly healthy. It's not God's design. And even from an atheist's standpoint- it's just not smart. 

Oh and for those of you who would argue by saying- "But what if you marry him & find out he is not good bed?" My answer is this- when you have prioritized friendship & romance until you get married, then when you are finally married you will be so comfortable with him that you will have NO problem talking through your sex. He will be your best friend! You'll be able to figure out together how to make sex great & you'll have the rest of your lives to practice as often as you want!

3. Enjoy being right where you're at. 

Time goes more quickly than we realize. We like to focus our attention on going somewhere else, doing something else, or being with someone else. But just be here now. Love the people you are with. Soak up the moment. Laugh as much as you can. Spend time with your family. Look for creative ways to make things more memorable. Write sweet notes to your friends & teachers. Decorate things. Do everything possible to find fun in the mundane. Its amazing how boredom can steal our joy. One of my favorite friends in high school was Angie. She would always think of outrageous things for us to do that would make life more exciting-- Like dressing up in crazy costumes & heading to the mall. There is so much about life to be delighted in. Find it! 

4. Wear sunscreen. If you want to be tan try the lotion that makes you gradually darker. You will age much faster if you tan a lot now. Especially if you frequent the tanning beds. 

5. Short cuts take longer. 

I know. You wouldn't think so. But I keep finding out that they do. You skip something now only to find out it takes way longer to go back & do  it later. So do your homework. Even if you have to host homework parties where all your friends come over & you get your stuff done together. Anything to make homework more fun. Go to your classes. Try to actually learn Spanish... or German... or any foreign language, instead of just trying to pass the class...you'll use it later. Whatever the shortcut is... its probably not worth it, just be diligent now. 

6. Be gentle with yourself. 

This world can be hard on us-Reminding us of our flaws & harping on our imperfections. Continue to be kind in your thoughts toward yourself- there are enough people who will tell you that you can't do it. Go ahead & be your own biggest fan.

7. Say "thank you" when people give you compliments. 

8. Speak life.

Words are so powerful. Be careful with them. Don't gossip. Really, don't talk about people when they are not around unless you are specifically seeking help for how to fix a situation. You know when you are gossiping- It usually feels good, but it is at the cost of someone else's feelings. Oh & don't "Ask someone to pray for Brittany because she slept with Ryan." That is still gossiping about Brittany. Instead of speaking badly of people, try looking for positive things to say. Be an encourager. Lift people up. Friends will feel safer when they are around you if you don't speak badly of others, because they will know that you won't speak badly of them either. Be "that girl who never has anything bad to say about anyone". It doesn't mean that you don't sometimes think bad thoughts, it just means you practice self-control and don't say them. Once you start doing it, it will get easier. 

9. You are not fat. That's all. And you don't need to weigh yourself to see if I'm right. In fact I haven't weighed myself in years & my mind is very thankful for that. 

10. Find older people to invest in you. 

It helps so much. They'll have good advice when you need it. And hugs when you need them too. Tell them what you are going through & allow them to speak into your life. Even if you don't like all the advice that they give, they probably know some things that you don't know.

11. Everyone takes bad pictures sometimes. Don't get frazzled if you see a picture of yourself that you don't love. It does NOT mean you are ugly... There is a lot that plays into a good picture. Lighting is one key element. If that's off then anyone will look bad. 

12. Church is awesome.

Find a sweet one. Get plugged in. Go on a retreat or something that forces you to have friends. We are not meant to do life alone. We need solid people around us- people who love God, and people who will genuinely love us. Obviously church people aren't perfect. They are normal people. But they are lovers of Jesus & even in their imperfections they are great. Like you. Because you'll blow it too. So if you are all having grace for each other, leaving room for mistakes, you'll experience the fantastic gift of Christ-centered friendships.  

13. Read books. 

Do it. They will teach you, increase your vocabulary, & even quiet your soul- which is much needed in this loud world. (I'm a fan of anything by Francis Chan.) 

14. Guys do not think like us. I promise he is not mulling over your last text & asking all of his friends what exactly you meant when you said "yeah lol see you there." Try not to over-complicate things. Guys usually mean what they say. 

15. Sometimes certain music, magazines & movies can influence you to feel bad about yourself.

Just saying. I'm not an advocate of being a hermit. But I highly recommend thinking about whatever it is you are feeding your mind. In the same way you think about what you feed your body. Or what gas you put in your car. If you feed something garbage, it won't run properly. So if you start to feel really insecure, or constantly focused on temporary things like finding boyfriends, getting skinny, and having more money... figure out where the messages are originating. Guard your heart. Even facebook & instagram can cause you to start comparing yourself & your life to others... which can lead you to feeling miserable. If that happens, don't be afraid to unplug for a day. Whatever it takes to keep yourself free from self-hatred.

16. Don't feel bad if you don't have all the answers about your life & your future yet. It's a lot of pressure to be an adult & suddenly be expected to have a plan. Just take the next step, keep moving & be faithful with whatever is right in front of you. The rest will come. 

17. Starbucks 101: 

A latte is espresso with steamed milk. 

A cappuccino is espresso with mostly foam from steamed milk. 

A caramel macchiato is a layered espresso drink- meaning they typically serve it without stirring it. So the bottom layer is vanilla, the next is steamed milk, then the espresso is poured over the foamy top, and finally caramel is drizzled over the foam. 

And I always drink my Starbucks through a straw because it helps prevent my teeth from getting stained. Be careful though- straws make it easier to burn your tongue. 

18. Last one- i learned at 18 that to fall in love with Jesus is to fall in love with life. Relationship with Him gives meaning to everything. Get to know Him. Pray. Open up the Bible. Go to church. Listen to a podcast (I love the ones from Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church). God tells us that if we seek Him we will find Him. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." 
Psalm 34:8

You are so precious.

Another one of me at 18.
Have fun being 18! It's a great year! 

Guest Post-- Carrie McMillion!!

Hi! My name is Carrie and I am so honored to be sharing what the Lord has done in my life on my wonderful friend Jessica Hover’s blog! Jessica has been an amazing influence in my life and the Lord has taught me so much through her and has used her to speak life to me over and over again. I sincerely believe that the Lord crossed our paths together so I could learn from her and grow with her as we walk together through a world that tells us we are never good enough and to never be satisfied with what we have. She has been a wonderful friend, sister and encourager and has shown me so much joy and how to live in that joy.

My journey through life has had some bumpy times, as everyone’s does. I struggled through high school and especially college with my identity. I looked to other people for my worth, especially to guys. I wondered what they thought of me. Was I good enough? Was I funny enough? Was I smart enough? Was I beautiful? In my pursuit to fill my identity up in other people, I began to lose sight of who I was in Christ. The world and other people consumed me. I lost sight of who I was and what my purpose in life was.

I was also in a relationship with a guy. He never made me feel beautiful. I placed all of my value and worth in him and in our relationship. I began to really dislike myself and the person I was. I listened to him and his opinion of me and those around me instead of listening to what my Lord Jesus thought of me. It was a sad time in my life. I stopped believing I was worthy and beautiful and had purpose.

It wasn’t until the fall of 2010 when I came to YWAM-LA to do a Discipleship Training School (DTS) that I began to have a change of heart. When I came, I was still very confused about my identity and I still had a ton of brokenness that was un-dealt with. During this school was also when I met Jessica. Slowly, God began speaking to me throughout the months of my school about my identity and who I was. He was using others to encourage me and speak truth over me as well as showing me that He can speak to me and wants to speak to me! It was an incredible transformation that began to take place. It started deep, really deep.

He began to reveal to me how much the enemy lies. Satan is SO threatened by us. He knows the Lord has good and amazing plans for us and he hates that. He will do all he can to destroy us and draw us away from those plans. He will tell us lies about our identity, our worth, our value. In John 8:44 it says “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” And in John 10:10 it says the enemy only comes to “kill, steal and destroy.”  He will whisper lies in your ear all day to draw you away from the Lord. I had to start acknowledging these lies. I had to learn to decipher between the enemies lies and the Lord’s truth. That was challenging at times.

Then the Lord told me to do something that was really, really hard. Wear no makeup! I couldn’t even remember the last time someone saw me with no makeup on. And it wasn’t a short amount of time, but for 2 months! I was going to Thailand to share the love of God to the Thai people and I knew that if I wanted to demonstrate God’s perfect love, I had to love the person He made me to be. It turned out to be such an amazing time in my life. God did a miraculous work in and through me in that time. He spoke to me every day about who I was and how beautiful I was because I was made in His image! And it changed me; the way I acted towards others, my thought life, the way I saw myself, the way I viewed everything!  I began to see with new eyes. Now that isn’t to say that I didn’t still struggle because I did. But when I learned to distinguish between the lies the enemy was throwing at me and replace it with the thoughts of God, it really changed my life.

Over the past 2 years, since my DTS, it has been an amazing journey with the Lord. God has taught me so much. He has spoken to me a lot through His Word because His word is truth and never changes and it is something I can always look to when I am struggling.

In Psalm 139, the whole chapter talks about how we are made in the image of God and how He knows everything about us. It talks about how His thoughts of us outnumber the grains of sand on the shore and how He never stops thinking about us. How AMAZING is that! It is so unfathomable to wrap your head around. But I love it, because it shows how beautiful and wonderful God finds us!

I now know how beautiful I am. He has even placed a calling on my life to walk out and demonstrate this freedom to others in any way I can. I know that I am made in the image of God and that is wonderful and magnificent. God has a true purpose and calling on my life and He cares about me, every single detail of me. It changes everything when you believe that. Our God doesn’t make mistakes. And He knew what He was doing when He created each one of us.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Dorothea

"I am tired of holding onto my old pants that don't fit anymore. It is time that I buy new ones. No one is going to check the tags of my clothes to see if it says medium or large.. so I just need to be happy being me." 

My friend said this to me back in October, not realizing the profoundness of what she was saying. Her name is Dorothea. She is lovely and Swiss.

Dorothea is seriously a hero. She has overcome some intense battles in the area of body image and beauty, she is a blessing and an encouragement to SO many women. A few years ago she arrived to YWAM LA as a student, she mostly spoke Swiss German but being the courageous little firework that she is, she managed to learn English within a few months. She is bold and hilarious and most people would never have guessed the struggle she was facing in her heart when it came to her own physical appearance. 

She tells a story of how one day she complained to me about how she looked, basically saying that she wasn't beautiful because of her size. Being someone passionately against that kind of talk, I told her that she was never to speak like that about herself again. It was a brief interaction but God used it dramatically. Over the course of the next few months God began to speak to her about her appearance, her size, and her beauty.. overwhelming her with truth in ways that she couldn't deny. He lavished His love on her and renewed her mind to a place of freedom and healing. Today she is a mighty woman of faith that is always reminding women that they are "never to speak negatively about their appearance ever again" because of the truth that they are made in the image of an all-beautiful God. Dorothea is passionately leading young women into freedom, showing them who they are in Christ and leading them in how to embrace and really love their appearance.  She speaks out confidently that it doesn't matter if you are a small, medium, large or even XL, its about embracing what we can't change and changing what we can, in order to bestow God's beauty in us to the world. 

Flawless.

"I didn't make any mistakes on you."

That's what He told me during the Diesel Black Gold fashion show in New York City last week. 


Surrounded by mostly naked models- helping my precious Canadian girl get her long thin legs into the metallic pants and strappy heals- cameras flashing, stylists stressing, hairstylists spraying her fly-aways while I quickly tuck in the sparkly tank top, working incredibly hard to make it appear effortless... 


This was the first show that I really felt it. I started to look at their faces. I marveled at the perfection of their features. Their noses were petite, their skin was clear, blemish free. Their legs were long, thighs thin, stomachs flat. Most of them were basically shapeless, small breasts, little bottoms, and no cellulite. 


This wasn't my first show. I had been with gorgeous models all week and had not yet struggled with feeling inadequate. Today was the first day. 


This was my first show that involved male models though. That was intriguing and terrifying. Actually it only became scary when I was assigned to dress one of them. I couldn't fathom helping a man put on his clothes. Actually I am laughing as I type this because of how funny it still is to me. Silently I was looking around the room praying that one of the other male models would take off their clothes before mine did, just so I could get over the initial shock of seeing a strange attractive man in boxers. But God was awesome, he protected me and last minute a male dresser showed up so they switched me over to dressing a female model. Maybe next year I'll be ready for that. This year I'm not. 


So back to my feelings. As I am looking at these beautiful young women I was remembering my eating disorder. My thoughts immediately turned hopeless. Even when I was starving myself, even when I was forcing myself to vomit after I ate, I still didn't look like these girls. My nose is bigger, my thighs are thicker, my skin is not as smooth... I am just not enough like them to do what they do. 


But just as the hopelessness of inadequacy started to settle into my mind, like the kind of mean fog that causes car accidents, my Savior intervened. 


"I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKES ON YOU."


My smile was so large, I mean huge, like it went all the way up to my forehead. God didn't make any mistakes on me! The way I look is perfect, it is exactly how I am supposed to look, and it is everything I need it to be in order to walk out the plans God has for me. I wanted to run around and tell people but I wasn't standing by any Christians and I am very aware of how strange it sounds to start a story by saying, "Guess what God just told me in my mind!?!" 


So instead I stopped looking at the other girls with envy and began again to look upon them with love. I prayed for them. I wandered around encouraging them. I treated the male models like normal guys. I do not want to be reduced to just being my outward appearance and so I made a point to treat them like they were more than just pretty faces. 

Amazing. Actually yesterday while I was cleaning I had a weak moment while I was remembering my models from last week, and I momentarily thought of my shortcomings again, but don't worry, it didn't last long...within one second of my yucky thoughts I accidentally smashed my head into a cabinet. It was painful and kind of hilarious because I couldn't keep thinking badly about myself, I realized how silly I was being and again prayed for my girls. 

The thing with our appearance is that there are lots of opinions. There are lots of voices that will tell us who we are and whether or not we are good enough, or small enough, or valuable enough. But only one of those opinions is true. If we do not grab ahold of the truth and align our thoughts with it, we will be stuck in negativity and miss out on the marvelous freedom we were designed for. 

I was taking a walk this morning as the sun was coming up. The sky was pink. That is the magnificent work of our beautiful Creator. I spend most weekends near the ocean. It is big, and blue, and green, and lovely. That is the magnificent work of our beautiful Creator. I am from Colorado. The mountains are perfect, the snow sparkles, autumn smells sweet, and the forests are breathtaking. That is the magnificent work of our beautiful Creator. 

You are one of a kind. You are unique, gorgeous, brilliant in appearance, intelligent beyond what you even know about yourself, fun, gifted, precious, love-able, valuable, strong. You are the magnificent work of our Beautiful Creator. He didn't make any mistakes on you. You are exactly enough for what He has called you to. 

"All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7 

Satisfaction- Sex. Money. & Our appearance.

Sex... not "boring married sex", but sex with lots of people. Maybe we add porn to it to liven things up; or film it and share it. Or "toys" of some kind. We do it in secret- where no one would find out. Maybe text her after and say something clever like.. "Hey, lets not tell anyone about this." Travel somewhere and sleep with a cute girl you meet.. your wife never has to know. Or maybe have your wife dress up like a nurse, then instead of having intimacy with your wife- you imagine its a real nurse that you meet at the office, another secret way to keep things pleasurable without literally cheating on your spouse. Sex with lots of people, in lots of places, and maybe drink some alcohol first to keep it hot. That should satisfy.

Or money, we should all strive to make lots of it. Steal it. Work day and night to earn it. Cheat if necessary. Life should revolve around it. Lets do something that involves selling weed- that usually brings a profit. We can sell more and make more money, then.. I don't know.. let's buy a boat and go on lavish vacations. Once we get the money- don't give it away. Or I guess if you want to be generous you can tip the Starbucks barista when you buy your next latte- but that should suffice. Don't give to your loved ones, they should be more responsible and take care of themselves. Tithing to a church? Don't believe in it. Those hypocritical pastors don't deserve a higher salary. If, on the off chance you do need to give, go ahead and make that person feel as if they owe you something. Money should always means more than relationships. They weren't that good of a friend in the first place. Or dad. Or mom. Or sister. More money. More pleasure.

Appearance. Actually scratch everything else. The real satisfaction in life comes from outward appearance in the eyes of others. Lets do whatever we can to have sexy bodies, successful jobs, well-decorated houses, nice clean cars, and lets make sure our facebook pages are really convincing. In fact go untag yourself from every bad picture. You did already? Good. Good. Me too. The whole meaning of life is to be sure that we appear better than everyone else. That is where true satisfaction comes from.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11  
¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
   I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
   and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
   and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
   nothing was gained under the sun.

Honestly, as I read through my sarcastic paragraphs on what really matters in life- I am struck by how much I really believe all of these things. So often I struggle with lust and impure desires in the area of sex. Or with money- here as a missionary my husband and I do not earn an income. We "live by faith", trusting God to provide for us each month through friends, family, and people who believe in our ministry. God has been faithful to provide for me every single month and yet I still wonder if life would be better with a nicer car, or more expensive home furnishings. When it comes to appearance its a constant battle between fearing God and fearing people. What opinion do I value more? God's or yours? Somehow I struggle with believing the lies that I know so strongly to be false.

Nothing satisfies outside of Jesus. Nothing. The more stuff we have, the more we crave. We think that this next thing will be the one that fills us up, but no, we always want more. Whether it is clothing- "All I need is a new pair of boots, then I'll be totally happy this winter" or a hit- "I swear after this I am putting down the bong forever", or sex "After this time we are not going to have sex again until we are married." I am learning that even in ministry if I am doing things for God instead of seeking to be with God then at the end of the day I will still feel dry and unhappy.

We were created by God to be with God. Its crazy and doesn't always feel real, but I have learned that no truth is more true than this. No pleasure or source of satisfaction will never be enough for us outside of hanging with Jesus. Its the core of who we are and without it we crumble. Everything else is meaningless and is going to fall away at some point. Other desires may be nice, but if they are in the place of God in our hearts, they will lead us into destruction. We cannot put our trust in it.

If I can encourage any of you sweet people- you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are wanted, and you are better than the life you are living. Money can't buy happiness, neither can most of the things you are chasing. Life is so short, don't waste it with meaningless things that don't fill you up. There is more to life than what you're experiencing and I pray that you see that. Don't fade through another day desiring things that don't matter. You will regret that later, I am certain of it.