A letter from Karisse Schilling. "Dear 25 Year Old"

Karisse Joy Schilling
April 7, 1979 - May 18, 2016

Karisse was the joy girl. Not the cancer girl.

In September of 2007 I arrived to the Youth With a Mission campus in Los Angeles to attend a 6 month long Discipleship Training School. I was freshly 19 years old, eager to leave Colorado and intrigued by both Jesus and Los Angeles. Honestly I was probably more interested in LA than Jesus but God knew what was good for me and it all somehow landed me at YWAM LA. At the "Welcome Dinner" Karisse was the first person I talked to. Our first conversation was about our love for High School Musical and she won my heart by quoting Zac Efron.

Karisse quickly became a friend and a mentor in my life. She was someone I would go to for advice and encouragement. Even when we were just hanging out and laughing at Disney movies I was learning from her. She was also so positive and hopeful. She never acted like someone who had cancer. She was the joy girl, not the cancer girl. Despite being diagnosed over and over, and going through all kind of treatments from the time she was in her early twenties, cancer never monopolized our thoughts or conversations. We talked about it occasionally, but mostly it was just when she missed her mom and she was telling me about how Jesus had been faithful to take care of her after her mom passed away. Her mom died of cancer just a few weeks after Karisse was first diagnosed, and Karisse began her first cancer treatment the day after her mom's funeral.

Karisse was there when Shaun and I met. She loved Shaun from the start and was encouraging me to get to know him. We would talk about him over lunch dates in Los Angeles, and we even talked about him over a coffee date in Thailand when she came to visit my team in 2008. Karisse was the first person I called when Shaun asked me to be his girlfriend. She literally cheered.

Karisse lived an incredible life with the 37 years she was given. She was a missionary to 27 nations. She worked with IJM in Washington D.C. to help with major injustice issues around the world. She started a Justice ministry in Los Angeles to help see an end to human trafficking. Karisse was a blogger and an author. She even published a coloring book on Amazon for people to use when they are spending time with Jesus, she just wanted people to take time to rest, pray, and color in simple pages of swirls and scriptures. She was always making things more beautiful.

More than any of that though, what stands out to Shaun and I about Karisse was her extravagant love for people. She was a cheerleader of a friend. She spoke life and encouragement into our lives in moments when we really needed it, carving out time for coffee dates with me and sending us long Facebook messages reminding me how much she loves us and how much Jesus loves us and encouraging us to keep being faithful to the things God has called us to.

When I was 24 I decided to do this thing where I wrote friends of mine who were older and wiser, friends I wanted to be like when I grew up, and I asked them to give me advice about being 25. I was nervous about getting older and I thought it would be fun to not only receive their advice but then to post it on my blog so other friends could be blessed by it too.

Last night when I was going through old messages from Karisse I found her letter about turning 25. It is perfect and beautiful. So very Karisse. The odd thing is I never actually posted it on my blog and I have no idea why. Her response must have gotten lost in the midst of the other responses I received. I'm sorry I didn't post it back when Karisse was still here to see it but I am grateful I can share her advice now. I pray it impacts people even more deeply than it would have been then.

Karisse lived a good life. In fact she wrote in her will that she wanted us to wear bright colors and eat ice cream at her memorial because she lived such a good life. So that's what we did yesterday. We ate big bowls of ice cream and celebrated Karisse. Today I ask that you celebrate her again by reading her letter, taking her advice and even sharing it with a friend. It is written to 25 year olds but will speak to anyone.

Thank you so much. And thank you Jesus for Karisse. We are so grateful for her.


"Dear 25 year old, 

I now know some things that I wish I knew when I was 25 and I'd love to share them with you. Mainly I know that I am enough and worthy just the way that I am. I don't have to "do" certain things to have worth and value. The number on the scale does not reflect my value. It doesn't matter how much, or how little I weigh--my worth does not change! The ONLY place that I find true value is in who Jesus says that I am. And He says that I am worthy and beautiful and His princess. That is the value statement. I am enough. Any other message is an observation and does not hold power to destroy that identity.

If I could go back and tell myself something on my 25th birthday, I would tell myself to enjoy each day and find beauty in what it holds. I would remind myself not to panic about being single, but to instead find the good and blessings in every day. Each day holds something beautiful, even if it's the worst day of our life. Find the beauty and hold onto it. Focus on the good, and not the bad. Stop looking at that scale and comparing yourself to others!

A book that I wish had been written when I was 25 is "God Loves Ugly" by Krista Black. Seriously, it has changed my life. My perspective on myself, God and identity everything. If you only read one more book, you need to read this one. Read it slowly and do the homework at the end of each chapter. I "ugly cried" through the last 3 chapters in a good, healing type of way. Seriously, amazon.com right now.  

A movie I think you would love... Well, there are so many! I love a wide variety for various reasons and can quote almost all the ones I've seen! If you haven't seen "While You Were Sleeping" yet, just go ahead and buy it. It's a good time. If you haven't seen "Penelope" yet just buy that one too. The cinematography and design is absolutely stunning and the message is quite lovely too.

I think that we place more importance on our appearance than we should. Seriously, love God and love people. I think that's the basics of life. I think that worrying about my weight, feeling fat and having bad body image has stolen a lot from me. It's stopped me from trying things I otherwise would have and has stolen joy from my life. Let's not hate the art God created in us. Everyone looks different, and that's lovely. Your beauty will come from your eyes, your choices, your words etc. That's what people remember. Now, let's be healthy. Let's put quality food in our body and use those muscles etc---but let's not put so much energy into hating our bodies and comparing ourselves. Don't let that rob you. Love God, love people. I say it again. Everyone is longing for love. Let God fill your heart with his message of worthiness--and know that you are "enough" just as you are. Bring that overflow to the people around you who are drowning and longing to believe that they are enough too. 

Have fun whenever you can, because life is short! 25 feels old, but it's really not! Live your life in a way that allows you to hear what God is saying to you and obey it. Smile, laugh, invest in people. Take a lot of pictures (and print them!). Save some money! Even if it's just $1-$5 a week start saving it in a jar if you have to! Collect all your spare change in a jar because it will add up! Sell a few things and get an "emergency" fund. Always keep $1,000 in savings (as best you can) so that when emergencies happen you don't immediately go into debt. Oh, and don't go into debt! Don't spend more than you have, but don't stress about every coffee you buy either! Every once in a while think about yourself at the age of 50 or 60 and see if you would be glad that this is what you did with your life. 

A fun idea is to do a 25 things before 26 list this year. (and then 26 things before I turn 27. And then 27 things before I turn 28 etc) Make a few big goals and a lot of small ones and cross them off as you do them. You could even take a picture of each thing and keep it in a little album (ex: go to a concert, fly on a plane, learn to crochet, learn a new recipe etc).  Also, put a little money aside each month so that you have some fun money to celebrate your 30th! Get a few friends together and go on a cruise, or a trip or to Disney--and then you have the funds ready.

Life is unpredictable. Control is an illusion. We think we have control of our lives, but we really don't. We don't know what tomorrow holds, so enjoy today. Love those around you today. Choose to invest in your faith and know God more. Choose to trust God when bad things happen. It's ok to be upset, angry, sad etc. be honest with how you feel (God knows anyway). Don't live your life to impress others and for pete's sake, stop comparing yourself to others! What a waste of time and energy! Learn to love the YOU that God gave you. Besides, you'll be all wrinkley in 40 years and you'll look back at this time and wonder why you didn't love the young body that you had! When you feel attacked, mess up, are having a fat day etc, chant to yourself "That's an observation, not a value statement" and remind yourself that you are enough and worthy as you are. Oh, and surround yourself with pretty things and quotes and Bible verses to help you remember that.  Buy yourself flowers sometimes whether or not you have a significant other. (and NOT having a significant other does NOT diminish your worth or say something negative about you!)  Now, go hug someone. Everyone needs a hug.

Also. Wear sunscreen EVERY SINGLE DAY. It protects you from wrinkles. (And cancer!) 

I rambled a lot!!! Love you!  

K" 

poison & the f word.

Last week I Face-timed with one of my very best friends who is living across the ocean in a culture that is very different from my own. In updating me about her life and marriage and the various challenges she is facing in adapting to this new place, she said something adorable. I thought it was extra cute because English is not her first language and so she was trying to explain something very common but with her limited English vocabulary it came out like this, "Jess, I feel like there is poison in my heart. It came in there because people have let me down. They keep making promises to do things and then not following through on them. I know I need to get rid of the poison, but it is so painful."

poi·son

ˈpoiz(ə)n/

noun

1.

a substance that is capable of causing the illness or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed.

I never want to be someone who communicates ideas without living out what I say, which I happen to think is a very nice value and I respect others who share the sentiment, however I would have been just fine talking about the "poison" this week without having to experience it in my own life. But God doesn't work like that does He? He knows that real authority in anything comes not through talking about it, but in actually walking it out, and so this week the "poison" and I have been doing some walking together. Oh the joy.

The "poison" as my friend so sweetly put it, is the experience that happens when we have been hurt or offended. Whether the one who harmed us was intentionally malicious, or accidentally insensitive, it stings our hearts and we want to retaliate or hide.

That's what happened to me this week.

It wasn't just one venomous situation, but a series of almost unnoticeable ones working together like a slow drip IV leaking toxic ugliness into my system. The poison invited a mean skeptic to rise up in me. When they would say something nice to me I would question their sincerity. When they would say something insensitive I would take it personally and relive the moment in my mind over and over again, making up fake comebacks to put them in their place. Even their attempts to love me felt irritating and painful, like when your shoulders are sunburned and someone gives you a hug.

I've experienced the poison lots of times before this week too. Like when my exboyfriend made out with another girl during our relationship. Poison. Or when I overheard a family I loved talking badly about my little sister. Poison. Or when I found out a "best friend" was gossiping about me and spreading rumors. Poison. Or when I heard people making fun of my husband and accusing us of being dishonest. Poison.

There are worse ones too but you get the idea. The point is that when we get hurt by somebody the poison invades our hearts. Did you see that? It invades OUR hearts. Meaning the poison does not access the heart of the person who hurt us, but it most definitely gets inside our own.

It's the resentment that tempts us to stay silently offended, adding little tally marks to the secret sheet in our mind keeping record of everything they do wrong. Its the bitterness that causes us judge their motives and character, making us quick to assume the worst about them. It's the insecurity we feel, the hopelessness of "this always happens" and "people always treat me like this." Its the loneliness of being let down by someone we love and admire. Its the temptation to leave or hide, to give up on the relationship without an explanation of our pain. Its the desire to retaliate, to gossip, to slander, to yell at or seek revenge. That's the poison my friend across the ocean feels. That's the poison I have felt. But the trouble with poison is that it only destroys the one who has ingested it. Which means that as long as I am the one with the poison in my heart, I am the one who will be destroyed by it.

So how do we get rid of this horrible thing that is capable of causing death in us? The answer is....
the F word.

No.

The other F word.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not saying that what they did to hurt you was okay. Because in many cases it was absolutely not okay. Rather, to forgive is to release them from something they owe you. Essentially it is saying that you are no longer going to take responsibility for the justice of the situation. Shaun and I talk about forgiveness as something you are giving over to a higher authority, trusting that the authority will take care of it and you no longer need to ensure they get the penalty of their messed up actions. As believers in Christ we recognize that God cares about everything we go through and is passionate about justice. Therefore we can trust that when we surrender a situation to Him in our hearts, and practice forgiveness towards those who have hurt us, He will be faithful to work everything out.

Forgiveness is the only way to free us from the poison.

That's probably not new information for you. It wasn't for me either. But it was a reminder I needed. You have heard the quote, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." You have also seen what happens to the person who holds a grudge against someone else: It consumes them. They talk about it. They think about it. They wonder what the other person is going to think about their latest instagram post or facebook status. They gossip. They slander. They secretly stalk the person's social media feeds and then try to live a cooler more photogenic life as a form of revenge. I have even seen it happen where the two people haven't spoken to each other in almost a decade but one of them is still convinced that the other is doing everything possible to destroy her life. Poison. Absolute poison.

But Jesus calls us to forgive. More than that, He commands us to forgive. I think He takes forgiveness so seriously because of the lavish, mind-boggling, absolutely crazy forgiveness He extended to humanity by dying for our sins. I also think it is because He is passionate about life. All throughout scripture, anywhere He went, life happened. Blind eyes opened. Dead bodies raised. Lonely people loved. Shamed women given dignity. Children valued. It's everywhere. He even said, "I have come to give you abundant life." It's no wonder then that he calls us to be people who forgive. If unforgiveness is like a poison that causes death, then forgiveness must bring life, because Jesus only commands us to do things that bring life.

Sometimes forgiveness requires us to go directly to the person who offended us and talk it through with them. Other times, when things like abuse are involved, it is safest to stay away from the offender but to extend forgiveness in our hearts through prayer and with the help of loved ones. Often for me, forgiveness involves lots of journaling so I can make sense of my scrambled thoughts and sort out whether or not the person actually did something harmful to me or if I was just being insecure and easily offended. In those cases I may still need to forgive them in my heart but it may not be necessary to talk with them about it because they didn't actually do anything wrong.

Let's do everything we can to be free from the poison. Let's love extravagantly, forgive quickly, and seek to understand each other. May people see Heaven in the way we do relationships. May we be people who assume the best and protect each other's reputations, and when we don't understand what they meant when they said that thing that hurt our feelings.... let's ask them instead of judging them for it.

Okay?

And how about another couple of F words??

Here's to fun & family! 

A couple great photos from the #batesweddingbash.

The bottom one is gold.

thoughts inspired by Amyjane.

 Life is short. Extra short.

I learned this week that a precious 19 year old friend of mine was murdered.

Her name is Amyjane and I met her last September when she arrived at YWAM LA as a student in the Discipleship Training School. I had just watched "Anne of Green Gables" in New York like a week before meeting her, and I remember calling my friend back in New York saying, "I met a red-headed girl that reminds me of Anne- her name is Amyjane!!"

Amyjane was extraordinary. Truly one-of-a-kind. She was full of life. Outgoing. Free-spirited. Always adorned in lots of colors and eccentric fabrics. Amyjane could talk to anyone. She was trusting and always excited to make friends. She was comfortable with anyone, and bold to start conversation. She was also passionately in love with Jesus, and was always eager to share His love with others.

She was a bright light. Radiant.

And now she is in heaven.

The news of her loss was both shocking and heartbreaking. It has been almost a week since I heard about it and I am still not sure what to do with my emotions. I don't quite know how to feel.

But I do know that in the last 6 days I have spent a lot of time thinking about how short life is.

To be honest, the awareness of that is mostly comforting to me because life can be so hard.

I have thought a lot about James 4:14
"What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
A mist. Imagine that. Just one single spray of perfume and then its gone. That is what our life is compared to.

I heard of a guy back home in California that was diagnosed with cancer and given a few weeks to live. In those short weeks he changed everything. He slept less. He prioritized differently. He spent more time with his family. He spent less time doing things that didn't matter. He is gone now. But he certainly made the most of his last days here on earth.

Why do we wait until time is literally running out to live meaningful lives?

In Psalm 90:12 it says, "Teach me to number my days, that I might gain a heart of wisdom."

I prayed for that this week. I need God to help me remember how short my time on this earth is, so that I can continue to trust His wisdom and not get carried away doing meaningless things that I feel to be best... but aren't actually good at all.

We need to know that life on earth is short. Because when we forget we make silly decisions. We start to trust in our emotions rather than trusting God's word. We begin to forfeit things that we wouldn't really want to give up, if we were thinking "soberly". But in moments of loneliness or hopelessness or boredom, we decide that it is more important to pursue our own gain rather than trusting that the Creator of our souls is actually real and actually has good plans for us.

I've seen this play out recently- in my own heart and in the lives of others. We justify doing crazy things... just because they feel good to us.

Marriages dissolve because we decide that we never really loved our spouse in the first place. Or that God never really "spoke" to us to get married and that the real husband that God prepared for us was that gorgeous guy we met recently who "really understands us". Or that we never connected sexually, so rather than deciding together to make our sex life better, we would rather explore sexuality with other people- outside of the family we have built.

Or we are beautiful singles who become promiscuous because we trusted Jesus for years to provide someone for us, and He didn't, so we are going out to get the love we have been missing.

We walk away from gifts He has given us, or passions He has placed in us, or ministries He has called us to... all because our fickle emotions have convinced us that He is somehow holding out on us... and we deserve "better".

I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of some sort of unfaithfulness in my heart.

I feel so refreshed when I remember that compared to eternity... this life is just a vapor. Even if I live another 80 years... I will still look back on the time that has passed and think to myself, "Wow, where did all that time go?"

"What good is it if we gain the whole world and forfeit our souls?"

No good at all.

Lord Jesus,
Help us to be faithful. Help us to stay strong. Help us trust your word, over our own emotions. Bless every single girl that stumbles onto this page... comfort her in any loneliness she might feel and remind her of the truth, that you are near to her. Bless every wife that has visited this blog, strengthen her tonight. Fill her with love for her husband. Help her... and me... to choose to trust you, even in times when everything in us feels tempted to walk away from the lives we have made. Bless every mommy that stops here in the midst of her busy day. Show her please Jesus the great honor that she has in her role as mother, and give her revelation of the powerful ways you are using her life. Bless every man that reads my words. Cover him in your love. Show him how valuable and desirable he is. Strengthen him in his walk with you and give him grace to live in purity. Lord if there are people you bring onto this blog that struggle in their sexuality, please draw them so close to you right now. Shower them with your peace and your acceptance of them as your children. For the hurting, and the broken, the hopeless... those who have recently lost people they loved... please may they feel you right now... more deeply than they have in a long time. Remind them that you will never let them go. No matter how bad it hurts. Or how far they fall. And for those who feel strong and peaceful today. Thank you for that Jesus. Thank you for everything. We desperately need you. Please comfort Amyjane's family and friends. And use her death... just as you have used her sweet life... to bring you glory. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Shane and Christina Nearman.

 One of the most powerful gifts I have been given in my relationship with Jesus has been the strong friendships He has given me along the way. Friendships like these are nurturing and safe, they leave room for weaknesses and also continually call out the strengths in one another.

This week I will be saying goodbye to two precious friends 

that have been vital in shaping me over the course of the last three years.

Shane and Christina Nearman.

 They are the international directors of Models For Christ. They've been married 18 years. 

They passionately love Jesus, and compassionately love people. 

We met at Peet's Coffee three years ago, and despite all of my shortcomings they have still gone out of their way to encourage my life and call out my gifts. These are people who, appearance-wise, 

are outwardly flawless, and yet they aren't at all phased by outward appearances... 

they, like God, 

"...look not to the outward appearance, but looks to the inward heart" (1 Samuel 16:7)

That's what they have done with me from the start. When I have been nervous or unsure- they have spoken words of hope and truth, they have breathed life into me and released me into things that I didn't even know I was capable of. 

By faith they have given up everything, moved to crazy places, trusted Jesus for miraculous things (that looked foolish to the eyes of people- but fit perfectly with the stories we read in the Bible), they have loved extravagantly, served without recognition, and been strong examples to us all of what it looks like to live out what Jesus said in Matthew 16:25~

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, 
but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 

I pray that as I grow, I become more like Shane and Christina Nearman.
Which means to become more like Christ.
I am so grateful for them in my life.
I wouldn't be who I am today without them.

I love you Shane and Christina! 
 Thank you for everything you do!
You really are changing the world! 

The Pulliam Wedding

random photos from Michael & Chelsea's glorious day!

dessert time, i love Chelsea's reception dress! 

the groom, minutes before the ceremony

Scott Pulliam playing the grand piano in the house 

married on a lake 

the backyard of the mansion where the wedding was hosted! 

all the ladies! 

backyard swimming pool

Evening with the Nearman's

Shane and Christina Nearman are friends of ours. They are also personal mentors to me and have been a huge source support for me since I first met them 3 years ago. They are the International Directors of Models For Christ an have worked as professional models for many years. They have also be married for 17 years!

It is impossible to hang out with them and not feel encouraged. They seriously live by faith, simply listening to the guidance of God and going wherever He sends them. They have taken risks that would frighten most people- literally getting rid of everything and by faith moving to different places as God leads them to. (they even went all the way to Israel because God said to do it) They've seen miracle upon miracle as they have walked in total dependence on Christ-- and they are about to embark on another adventure by faith- moving to England for the year so Christina can complete grad school!

Monday evening they invited us to come to Manhattan Beach because they wanted to surprise us with a date. The only thing we knew was that it would be extra special and we needed to dress warmly. First they took us to eat at a delicious Mexican restaurant, then picked us up some hot drinks from Starbucks before heading over to the beach for the surprise.... SAILING!! Just the four of us and the awesome sailer man, Eric, who led the adventure.

We spent an hour on the water and it was just completely the best thing ever! Exactly what I needed in my heart. Everything we talked about reminded me of how much God loves us and cares about the little details of our lives. His love is so personal. Christina even shared again about how Jesus miraculously healed her of a disease that almost took her life... A serious full on healing. That experience was actually what led her to surrender her life to Christ over 15 years ago.

After sailing we went to a local coffee shop in Redondo and played a full game of Scrabble, while I enjoyed some tea and a scone. So British of me :)

Jesus is so worthy of trusting. He is passionate about showing His faithfulness and I'm so grateful for friends that remind me of that truth.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NLT)

 ^"So encourage each other & build each other up, just as you are already doing."

here are some photos of the adventures! they are out of order but that's okay! :)