a story of healing. bulimia && alcolohism.

This is an entry that I am reposting from my good friends, Shane and Christina Nearman. ((They are the International Directors of Models For Christ and are currently living in England (hopefully they will return to California soon!! and hopefully they will have adorable THICK British accents too!))

This is one of the most powerful stories of God's healing and restoration that I have ever been a part of. 

Robin Curuz (the author of this post) is a good friend of mine. 

I met her 3 years ago... she was dying... 

I had breakfast with her 3 days ago... and she is healed. 

I pray you are encouraged by her story. 

Being asked to write about my healing process is funny because, in treatment for an eating disorder, my first session with my counselor ended with him asking me to consider whether I wanted to be saved or healed. He told me those were two very different things and that while I might desperately want relief he wasn’t sure I was willing to go through the process of healing, which would require patience and work.

It HAS been a process, but relative to the 11+ years I was enslaved by my addiction to food and my appearance, this time of recovery has been like the blink of an eye. More importantly, all those years I had been so afraid because I thought I was alone. These past three years, though extremely challenging and uncomfortable at times, I have known Help and Love are with me always.

When I called Christina for the first time I had been brought to my knees by bulimia and didn’t believe there was any hope for me. I don’t remember much of our conversation, but one thing I remember clearly was saying I didn’t want to say the name Jesus…I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to. She helped me by letting me repeat a prayer after her. When I went to Models for Christ for the first time I was moved to tears by the worship but didn’t understand much of what was being said. I was baffled that people prayed for other people (I had always only thought of myself!) and, though I didn’t understand why, I really believed the love and joy in their eyes was sincere. A few women prayed over me my second time there and when I said I didn’t want to pray to Jesus because I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t know Him, one said something along the lines of “isn’t that exactly what the enemy would tell you…that you don’t know Him enough to pray to Him”. That set me free.

Soon after that, a man from Remuda Ranch called Christina just as her speaker for that week was cancelling (wow!) and so, ended up speaking to us about eating disorders, image and who we are in Christ. He told me after that meeting that I would probably need to be separated from the behavior cycle I was in so an impatient treatment would be helpful. When I went for the physical he suggested I get, my doctor told me he didn’t know much about eating disorders and that I should see a specialist. The nurse came back in with a list of references and on top was a little blue post-it that said “Remuda Ranch” (whoa!).

A woman who had been healed of an eating disorder was also brought to me at MFC and it was her and a bunch of amazing people at YWAM LA who prayed with me before asking my family for financial support and helped me move everything out of my apartment. The way I saw it, they didn’t know me and had no reason to love me or help me…but they said they did it because they loved Jesus. I struggled to believe them…but still couldn’t wrap my mind around it (now I can!!).

One of the most pivotal experiences I had at Remuda Ranch was when the body image counselor explained to me that I had inherent worth to God; I could do nothing to make Him love me less and nothing to make Him love me more. I am STILL meditating on that and trying to really embrace it. It changes everything! 

My aunt and uncle came to see me there for family week and during one of the sessions I thought “what if I moved to Miami to live with them?!…well…I’d never ask them…so, God, if you want me to go to Miami they will have to ask me”. The next break my uncle looked at me and said “Rob, what do you think about coming to live with us in Miami?” (wow!…the prodigal niece!) I had so many ties to my addictions in LA and was such a slave to appearances, so I knew I needed a change but I was also very afraid of moving away from the people and giving up everything I knew…everything I thought I had. Really, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Making that move was the first time I did something I was afraid to do because I believed it was what God wanted, so it had to work out.

At that time, I was on 3 different psychiatric medications and had a treatment team of five different professionals. I had been in therapy since childhood, was put on antidepressants at the age of 16 to treat my anorexia and had been on 10+ other medications since. My body had not functioned properly in over a decade and I had never eaten regularly or had a healthy relationship with food.

I began working at a gym on South Beach, where I was tormented with thoughts of self-pity, envy and suicide constantly. Mornings, I woke to a fear that was nearly paralyzing and I slept as often as possible to escape the way I felt. My depression and anxiety were not responding to any of the treatment and my psychiatrist was recommending electroshock therapy. One of the most beautiful things about that time was God gave me coworkers who spoke to me about Him and the things He had promised me in His Word. The ONLY time I had any relief was when I talked with others about Jesus and when they prayed with me. This increased my faith so much because I had tried EVERYTHING to find relief.

At 17 years old, when my mother died of alcoholism, I was living like an animal. I was binging, purging, drinking myself unconscious as often as possible and stealing from and stepping on anyone who got in my way. I was set free from the alcohol addiction at 18 but for the following 8 years, used my eating disorder, destructive relationships, therapy, medications, shopping, chanting, hypnosis, self-help…ANYTHING I could get my hands on, to try and fix what was wrong with me. In ignorance, I criticized and stayed far away from anyone who spoke the truth and surrounded myself with those who supported my addictions.

THIS is why I am still in AWE of how Jesus drew me to Himself. He NEVER gave up on me. Now I am grateful for every moment that brought me closer to knowing Him.

In the months after Remuda, I began to accept that my problem was spiritual and that God was my ONLY hope. I learned how to take inventory of my thoughts and combat them with the truth, started daily practicing prayer and meditation and worked hard to stay focused on who He is and what He has done for me. I was guided through examining my past with a new perspective to heal resentments, identify harm I caused and make amends wherever possible. I was given all the support I needed in friends and family and also learned how important it was for me to be of service to them and all those around me.

Slowly, I became abstinent and found a joy and a peace I had never known possible. My mind became quiet enough to hear the guidance that I was promised and I found that when I let God direct my paths things go MUCH better in my life. People often asked me if I was in love or had “met someone special” (YES!) or how I always kept a smile on my face. I still find myself amazed that a life free of fear is even possible. The old way of living had seemed SO very real. It really is true – God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

Six months ago I slowly began making art again. I had failed out of art school because I could not handle any kind of pressure without self destructing. Without knowing my worth in Christ, I had always believed it was determined by my art, my appearance and the attention I got from others. The pressure to succeed and the fear of failure had been unbearable. I still don’t know how some people seem to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and live life. I can’t do anything without God.

My first experiences with drawing again were incredible. I had no question in my mind that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I had moments outside of time where I felt more complete and content that ever before. When I made time and space to meditate and ask for guidance I was FILLED with inspiration and ideas for many days in a row. As I began to take further steps to start painting again, I first had almost unbearable headaches and, when that didn’t stop me, I was filled with the tormenting thoughts again…of doubt, insecurity and fear of failure. I kept showing up and putting in the time and I still pray before every time I paint. Without that Help, I would not have been able to keep going. Those first few weeks taught me so much! I would have thoughts about how impossible it all was…and when I’d take those thoughts to God He would remind me “I’m God!”….and I’d feel so silly!

I have been abstinent from my eating disorder for over two years now and God has healed everything in my body and my mind. When I had my closing session with my dietician she told me she had not believed that recovery would be possible for me. She also said that she knew it was my seeking help from God that made all the difference (sooo cool!).

NOTHING and NOBODY is beyond His Grace, His Healing and His Hope.

I am so very grateful to Christina, Shane and everyone at MFC LA and Miami for telling me that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. I’d go through it all again and again to never live another day without knowing.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. -Matthew 7:7

reunited for the first time in 3 years! we used to meet at this coffee shop in Montrose, Ca often so I could teach her more about Jesus and pray for her healing! now three years later she is teaching me about Jesus and praying for the healing of others! God is so good!! 

Meeting with God in America: From unbeliever to believer. Guest post by Marieke Dral.

This is my story.

Hi everyone, a few days ago Jess asked me to write a story for her beautiful blog. And here I am, feeling so honoured to share my story with all of you beautiful people! You’re about to read how I met Jesus, how God has prepared me for meeting Him and completing my life. This is  my journey of life that lead me to our Father.

I’m a 22 year old girl from Holland, born and raised in Amsterdam. As I was a little girl I used to tell my parents: ‘When I’m older, I will go to America. On my own. Because I wanna live there.’ Not that I had any reason for saying that –I didn’t know anything about America and have never been there. It was just a dream. And I was crazy for it.
At the age of 18 I went to University in Amsterdam to study Dutch Law. When I turned 21 I was almost done but didn’t knew what I would do next. I knew this was my chance and I decided to go to America for a few months to study. I liked studying Law, but it was all Dutch and I missed an international vibe: different languages. So I decided to go to an International Language Centre in Redondo Beach, South Bay Area. Starting September 2011.
And that decision was about to change my life forever. What happened those months in America was why I had to go there. It was about to make my life complete. Finally.

Before these months I have always been an ‘ unbeliever’ .  I was raised with the idea that there is no such thing as a God. How can some people think there is this man who has created the world and is in control of everything? It was unreal and foolish to believe in something that doesn’t exist. I have been told the world is in our own hands, it is what YOU make of your own life, things are not ‘meant to be’, you’re in control of your own destiny.
Though I always had my doubts.. but I never asked too much about it. I believed it was necessary to work as hard as you can and felt very responsible for living a ‘good’ life. There were only two people in my family who were going to a church sometimes – my grandma (from my father’s side) and my aunt ( my mothers’ sister). My grandma died when I was young, and I missed her a lot. She always gave me so much comfort. Looking back I see How important they have been in my journey to God.

Before I was going to LA, I struggled with lots of things. I grew up in a hard working family, both of my parents were working 6 days a week, together they are running a bicycle company. I had a very low self esteem and was struggling with lots of hurt feelings. I felt bad about myself and had a hard time trusting other people. After a while I ended up having an eating disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. I didn’t wanted to do anything – I was always worrying about every little thing and felt pressure and stress in almost every situation. My family was worrying about me and telling me I should stop thinking like that, and just act ‘normal’ . As much as I wanted, I couldn’t free myself from those guilty and low feelings. Through it all there was also one thing going through my head: I need to go back to America. We have been there once on a roadtrip in summer 2007. That was amazing, I loved the States and the whole trip felt like coming home to me.  After a while I felt so much NEED for the atmosphere, the culture, the people, the freedom, the country. I felt stuck at home in Amsterdam.

One of the people I trusted the most was my aunt, I spent a lot of time around her and she was always there for me to listen –  she felt more like a mother to me than my real mom. I could share everything with her. She never got angry with me and understood me. She used to comfort me, tell me I should not worry so much and take good care of myself. Everything would be okay, if I just could lose these restless feelings. She could see it  was tearing me apart.
Unfortunately my aunt got very sick. She got cancer and in a short while she was incurable. She was already counting her last months while we were doing everything to fight for her life: take care of her, looked for every possible way there was to give her a chance of surviving. We took her to doctors through the whole country, even went to some medical professors in Germany. But no one could help. My aunt said she knew her time had come, and we should not put so much effort in desperately looking for a cure, but accept her situation. Although we didn’t gave up, she was getting weaker and in more pain each day. During her illness she was praying a lot (also for me) and wrote a lot of beautiful verses. She used to write beautiful cards to me with all flowers, to cheer me up when I was down.
When I told her I had planned to go back to America –as first one-, she was so happy to hear that ‘ I knew you would, that is a very good decision, I’m so happy for you!’ she cheered.
Unfortunately in end of February 2011, she couldn’t fight the cancer anymore and was in so much pain that she decided to take her life – by the process of Euthanasia. We all got a chance to say goodbye to her. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. But we had no other choice to respect her decision. For the last time we spent an afternoon together  we were listening to music and I was giving her a nice manicure. We didn’t say much but suddenly she started telling me: ‘ It’s so good you go to America, you will have a wonderful time there. Don’t’ worry about anything, and please take good care of yourself.’ as she spoke those words – she was so convinced.

And now, almost a year later, I can tell she was right: There has happened something WONDERFUL in America. Because He was waiting there for me to meet Him. Finally. AND SHE KNEW. He made me making the decisions that lead to Him. I knew He planned everything: the moment, the day and the way we should meet. I knew this because the decisions I made for being there THAT day, were different for me. I was not worrying about what I was doing, I felt it was right to do.

In October I was working as a volunteer at the LA Fashion Week. There I met the girls from YWAM. As I was just busy filling up goodie bags, something inside told me I should go and talk to some girls at the other side of the room – I didn’t knew why, but I felt I needed to talk to them. So I went over and started a conversation with the beautiful Samantha Hunt. This sweet girl told me about YWAM and their missions. Soon she introduced me to the wonderful Jessica, who’s working for YWAM and the amazing Nova, a singer/songwriter and missionary from Norway.
It was so nice to meet them! I was really impressed by their story about Youth With A Mission. They were going to church every Sunday. I had never been to a church but felt like I wanted to experience that. After a few days of working together, talking about our lives and sharing our stories, they invited me to join them the next Sunday to Generations a sermony in Huntington Beach. 
And that was the day that changed my life forever. In a few hours I was going to meet God, Our heavenly Father. As I said before, I was raised as an unbeliever, but I always felt there was something more. I felt that there was something missing in my life – but I couldn’t really point out what it was. Now I knew, it was Gods Love. He guided me to meet the YWAM girls, and to join them to Huntington. He made me going to America, He made me deciding to make that long journey and ending up this particular Sunday afternoon in that particular church in Huntington Beach.

I had no expectations from that day, I was just joining them to church, just to see how it’s like in America. But what happened there is almost too impressive to describe. I met Him. He spoke to me. Through others and I could feel Him inside of me. It was like hearing a voice while nobody was speaking. Telling me words that were so true. I was so shocked. At the beginning of that day I was still very sceptic – ‘how can there be anyone who knows what is going on inside of you, while you’ve never been open about it?’ Well, later that day I founded out that is God, our Father, our Creator.
I didn’t told any of the YWAM girls about my struggles, my insecurities or my worries. After an interesting sermony, Nova came to me with a message, she wrote down for me the next words:  Colorful Marieke, here is a word from your Father in Heaven: ‘I see your colors, and the things I have put in you. You have greater potential then you even know yourself. But it is a lie when you think that people think you are boring. They do not think so. And I think you are fun. I laugh about you daily.’
Then Kayla, another very lovely girl from YWAM, felt like she needed to let me know God was so proud of me and there was nothing I had ever done WRONG in my life. She had something to give me, her bible. Somehow she got an extra one, and she felt God wanted her to give it to someone special, and that day had come. She knew it was for me. Then more girls from YWAM came to me, laid hands on me and prayed all together – to thank God for creating such a Beautiful woman and for guiding me towards them. Wow, I was so impressed. People I had never met until that day, could tell me what I NEEDED to hear , they answered my struggles and insecure feelings. The only one who had ever said that to me before was my aunt – just before she died. My eyes teared up and I felt this warmth inside of me - I could feel Him filling me up with His Love. There I was, finally meeting Him, surrounded by His Angels. 

As from that day my feelings changed completely. No longer I felt worried, I felt so much peace inside my heart! I felt relaxed, joyful and had no restless feelings about anything.
From that Sunday I joined the YWAM Family to Huntington as much as possible. There was so much more I wanted to learn about God and the Bible. I couldn’t wait to start building on a relationship with Him, communicating with Him. I wanted to see what He wants to show me, Do what he wants me to do, follow his guidance as I know He wants what’s best for me. I wanted to learn How to trust on Him. I knew He would free me from my worries. He could make my life complete.

God proving His trust
And every week I learned more. About God, the Bible,  about Giving, about Relationships, about Trusting Him and Other people. About making decisions for the future. Every verse I read in the bible, it is so beautiful! And I felt more and more joyful and relaxed.
 And the most beautiful thing I have learned: How to Pray. How God listen to us and hears us. It was the prove He was really there. And the best way of communicating with Him. As Nova and Jessica learned me: ‘Praying is the way to let Him know what you want or need, or what you want Him to do for others, and of course to thank Him for everything He has done for you. Have faith in your prayers, trust on Him and He will hear you.’ So I started praying. In my prayers I was so thankful for everything that has happened to me. So thankful for meeting the girls from YWAM, so thankful for being able to join them to Huntington Beach, so thankful for everything I learn from them. And as soon as I started He was answering my questions and hearing my prayers. It was Amazing. At first I found it hard to believe, I was still a bit sceptical and had lots of questions. So I prayed He would show me I could trust on Him. And He did. And on the most unexpecting moments, He was there. When I was thinking about something I would like to do, or wanted to have – a few seconds later people came to me offering exactly what I was thinking of, and someone else invited me to go a place I really wanted to see (without even ASKING them or letting them know I was thinking about it!). Slowly I knew it was Him knowing my desires and needs , hearing my thoughts and proving me I could trust on Him.

Together with all the stories and explanations from everyone from YWAM, I learned SO much. It felt like something was completing in my life. I enjoyed every moment I spent with YWAM SO much.  And they even told me: ‘You are shining more and more. You look so happy.’ And that was the truth. I was feeling so happy with everything. And with myself! Nothing could help me more than hearing God was proud of me and feeling His Love.
One year earlier, before I booked my trip, I was thinking I would love to spend thanksgiving in America and  now I realized it was going to happen! (A dream came true, wow, thank God!)
 Unfortunately it was one of my last weeks in America. But there was no better place I could think of to celebrate – with the YWAM family at the YWAM base. Those people I was SO thankful for, I could not find any words for it. I knew it was meant to be to spent that day with them. It was what He had planned. So my friend and me came over to the beautiful base and we had a delicious traditional Thanksgiving diner. My first Thanksgiving ever, and it was exactly how I wished to experience it – with lots of warm people and a de-li-ci-ous meal! I was so happy. It was a beautiful and powerful day . 

Soon after Thanksgiving the last Sunday I could join the YWAM family was coming. It was very sad, but one of the most beautiful days I spent there. We watched a great sunset on Huntington Beach and ate the most delicious Crispy Noodles EVER in the Thai Café. It was hard saying goodbye, I felt like I became part of their family. When it was time to say goodbye they prayed for me; to fill me up with more peace and joy each day and help me to shine my light towards others, and helping out my friends in need.
I was so blessed by meeting them. I can’t be thankful enough for it.
 As we said goodbye it was almost like joy – oh Jess, Shaun, Nova, Samantha, Meredith, and everybody from YWAM, I’m so happy to have met you, you’ve learned me so much! My heart fills up with Love and Joy when I think of the days we spent! And of course I know we will meet someday, God will bring us together just like he did before .

I knew when I would be back home it would be different, but I would continue growing in a relationship towards Him.  This was just what happened. And that is just what happened. I prayed a lot for people I wanted to help out, I wanted to be a light towards others. Soon after I came home I was able to help one of my friends, she was very depressed. Together we spent NYE in London: another dream that came true! I always wanted to do it someday, I didn’t told my friends but suddenly two weeks before we found a very cheap offer to go to London those days! We had a very special time. I encouraged my friend to make a new start. Soon she found a new home (what she desperately needed) on a beautiful place, graduated, and now has found her happiness back again.( She is celebrating it also with a trip to America as we speak .)

But I knew there was also something else I felt I needed to do. It was also about time to fulfill the promise I made to my aunt – as much as I wanted to be a light and inspiration towards others, I needed to take care of myself. When I came home something really miraculous happened. I found a note from my aunt, written just before she died. It said: I have searched for Him in dark and light. When I was bruised and broken I prayed. With my last strength I lightened a candle for Him. I will always keep searching for Him, cause  even at the most unexpecting moments you will see Him in all of his Glory.
That was it, it said exactly how I should start: By trusting on Him. Those words were really important for me. It gave me hope and faith for the future. I prayed to God to give me the strength and the state of mind to heal me from my eating disorder. And slowly I am changing and getting more aware of my body. I felt it was time to take the step and get professional help, cause my ‘sick’ mind was not taking good care of my body It was very hard for me, but God made me feel it was the right thing to do. He was encouraging me in SO MANY ways. It is unbelievable, even at my most weak moments I feel Him supporting me, and telling me He is so proud of me.
When I reached a very very low point, and prayed –  I wanted and needed food so much but was so scared. When I came home the end of that day, there was a package waiting for me. All the way from USA, my favorite chocolates from Trader Joes! It was from Nova, my amazing friend! She also felt like sharing with me great lessons about Body, Soul and Spirit, and How we are wonderfully and fearfully made. What a miracle. It was EXACTLY what I needed.
Now, I am still struggling, sometimes I still feel insecure, upset, desperate and stressed out. But then I sit down and pray, and He will let me know He is always there: by a message, song or anything that comes my way. He is supporting me and encouraging me to make this through. He is telling me not to worry and to give Him control. By all those miracles he is proving me that everything will be okay if I do. He will give me Hope and Strength to be able to make this through.
I am so proud to say:  He is healing me from my eating disorder. Our Father is saving me from a worried mind and letting me be who I really are: funny, optimistic, smart and a light to everyone around me. I feel like walking on Sunshine.
Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ⁹Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith

The night we said goodbye, before Marieke returned home to Europe

Thanksgiving at YWAM LA. Nova is on the far right. 

Haha just want to show you the snowman cookie I made that night :)