Do you and Shaun fight?

“Do you and Shaun fight?”

People ask me all the time if Shaun and I fight and honestly I struggle to answer because the question itself is a vulnerable one and I feel pressure not to say the wrong thing. I can’t help but try to guess why they are asking. Maybe they are in a relationship of their own that involves a lot of fighting and they are trying to determine whether or not fighting is okay. Maybe their parents fought a lot growing up and so now they would rather stifle their relationship issues than end up yelling about them. Maybe they strongly value fighting as an important part of relating and if I say that I don’t fight then I am revealing an apparent flaw in my marriage. I also wonder if they use the word “fight” to mean “disagree” or “argue”, because to me those terms are very different, but to others they can often be one in the same. When I imagine fighting I picture yelling, screaming, name-calling, storming out of rooms, the “silent treatment”, ignoring each other, and saying hurtful or malicious things. So to answer the question of whether Shaun and I fight. No. We don’t. We haven’t “fought” yet in our almost 7 years of dating, engagement, and marriage. We have disagreed plenty of times, and we have hurt each other’s feelings plenty more, but we have not fought. 

Shaun and I are naturally pretty laid back people, so exploding isn’t really our style anyway, but the main reason why we don’t fight is because we decided long ago that we wanted a healthy loving marriage and so fighting just doesn't fit our vision.  This understanding has motivated us to be intentional about the way we go about our communicating, and it has helped us to navigate our way through times of conflict. 

There are a few practical things that have helped Shaun and I maintain a healthy, loving, explosion-free marriage and I thought it could be fun to share them with you. I am not writing as a professional wife or a professional counselor. I just share this stuff the same way somebody shares a yummy recipe, knowing that in a couple years the recipe will be modified a little upon discovering newer better ways, but for now what we have here is something great and it is my delight to pass it on just as it is. I am speaking in the context of marriage but feel free to pull this stuff apart and apply it to your friendships, dating relationships, and even the way you relate to family members or coworkers. 

Always Assume Love.

A few days before we got married in 2009, Shaun’s older brother Jason gave us the advice to, “Always assume love,” and that little piece of wisdom has proven to be incredibly valuable to us. Assuming love is significant because it goes against our natural tendency. When our spouse says or does something hurtful, our initial reaction is to assume the worst, we immediately conclude they meant to hurt us or that the reason behind their action was something negative like selfishness or laziness or a lack of love for us. But when we are committed to “assuming love” then instead of jumping to conclusions we are able to respond to our spouse’s action with grace and calmly communicate what hurt us. Assuming love gives our spouse the space to explain themselves and even to make mistakes, as opposed to assuming the worst which puts them on the defensive and causes the situation to escalate quickly. This principle allows for conflicts to be resolved promptly and it also diffuses potential fights before they happen. I try to live by this principle in all of my relationships, not just marriage, because I am convinced it makes everything way better.

Let God be God.

This part might be the most important advice I can give you, but I’m putting it on here second because I learned it second. Obviously if you know me at all then you know I’m a believer in God and more specifically a follower of Christ. I strongly believe that God is the One in whom we are to place our trust. 

Well before getting married I knew that it was my responsibility to trust God with meeting my needs, but something tricky happened after Shaun and I tied the knot, it became extra tempting to look to Shaun, instead of God, to be my source of fulfillment. When I felt insecure I wanted Shaun to make me feel beautiful, when I felt unhappy, I wanted Shaun to make me feel better, when I was scared or upset or struggling with anything, my initial response was to look to Shaun to provide relief. This is a problem because Shaun, like me, is just a person. He has issues like I do, and even on his best day, he can’t be everything I need. As much as Shaun’s encouragement and support is vital in our marriage, if I revolve my feelings around his words or actions then our relationship quickly becomes imbalanced and unhealthy. The other problem with me acting like this is that I start to assume that Shaun should just know what I need or what I feel, and since he doesn’t (because he isn’t a telepathic mind-reader) then I end up offended most of the time because he keeps failing to meet my expectations. That’s no good. 

God knows what I need. God knows my thoughts. God desires to be my source and His design is that both Shaun and I look to Him to satisfy the longings of our hearts. As His love permeates our individual lives, then we will both find strength to love each other in the best way possible. When we aren’t relying on each other for peace or security then we can enjoy each other and really support each other when one of us is struggling. If my peace and joy come from Christ then when Shaun is stressed I can encourage him, pray with him and even help him to get organized, because I am not relying on him to make me feel good. But if I am looking to Shaun for my joy then when he is stressed I end up stressed too, simply because I am reacting to his attitude. 

Letting God be God means that we live in response to who God is and we love in response to how God loves. “We love each other because he loved us first.” (1 John 4:19)

Take Care of Yourself.

I won’t take long on this point because it’s obvious and because this is a blog post, not a novel. So my point here is simply that we love better when we are healthy - physically, spiritually and emotionally. This means that we do our spouses a huge favor when we take care of ourselves and communicate our needs. Sometimes Shaun needs to skate because he has spent all day working on a computer or sitting in meetings and by the time we are having dinner he feels like he might go crazy. Sometimes I need to read and write because I feel emotional and need time to process what I feel. Sometimes we need a nap, or an extended break from hanging out with lots of people. Sometimes we need to read the Bible and get real perspective on our current circumstance. Sometimes we need a date or time to have sex, other times we desperately need to be around family. Whatever the needs are it is important to recognize them, talk about them, and help each other get them met. 

Friendship. Romance. Sex. 

These three elements are extremely important in marriage and if one of them is lacking it is highly likely that one or both of you will feel it. If there is a romance deficit in the marriage then it is usually the wife who feels it first, if there is a lack of relating sexually it is typically the husband who will notice, however it’s not always like that and really my point is not who feels it first but the fact that all three are needed to sustain a healthy loving marriage. 

Communicate Clearly.

I’ll close with this one because I really hope you don’t forget it. Remember earlier when I said that Shaun is NOT a telepathic mind-reader? Well it will serve us all very well to realize that none of us are able to read each other’s minds. Did you get that? You do NOT know what the people around you are thinking and they do NOT know what you are thinking either. You may be able to guess some of what they feel, you may even be able to discern a bit of what they are thinking, but mostly you do not know anything unless they have communicated it. Assuming that someone else knows what you think is a dangerous and unfair expectation. It is also an immature way of relating. Mature relationships require that both people involved openly talk about what they feel, need, and desire. If one of you has been hurt then it is not okay to assume the other person should know what they did wrong, because again, that reflects a lack of maturity. The hurt person is responsible to share specifically about what happened and allow space for the other person to explain themselves. Communicating clearly does not mean communicating loudly, yelling is not necessary in telling someone how you feel, even if you feel angry or hurt. Passive aggression is also not the same as clear communication. For instance if you continue to make plans to hang out with someone and they continue to cancel last minute, it is not clear communication to post a vague Facebook status about how much you hate being stood up. That is passive aggressive and it is not helpful in resolving your issue. Clear communication would look like calling your friend and letting them know directly that it feels hurtful or disrespectful when they cancel plans with you. 
I should also note that texting is not the best method to use when attempting to resolve conflicts. In fact I think its a really poor way to go about it. The same could be said about emails and facebook messages, any form of communication that keeps you from looking into each other’s eyes or hearing the sound of someone’s voice will be largely incomplete and leaves a lot of room for misunderstanding.

Clear communication in my marriage looks something like this- if I am feeling neglected because Shaun is out with skaters all weekend rather than hanging out with me, then instead of ignoring him or being irritable with him when he comes home, I can help us both by letting him know how I am feeling. Also if I “assume love” then I can assume he doesn’t know he is hurting me and then I can speak more gently to him when I am expressing why I feel badly. If I am really on top of my feelings I can actually tell him before the weekend that I desire to spend time with him. At that point he can tell me directly that he desires to do some skating. By sharing our desires we can make weekend plans that meet both of our needs and by Sunday night we can be snuggling each other and celebrating what an awesome weekend we just had. Sounds good right? I know. I think so too. 

Well that about wraps up “Relationship Advice 101 with Jess Hover.” I hope you are having a great week and if you have any further relationship questions feel free to holler at me by leaving a comment or emailing me at beautyarise@ywamla.org. Also for those of you on Instagram I hope to see photos of how you are choosing to #makedecemberbeautiful with @beautyarise! It’s only Day 2 and we are already having so much fun! Don’t miss out! 

Satisfaction- Sex. Money. & Our appearance.

Sex... not "boring married sex", but sex with lots of people. Maybe we add porn to it to liven things up; or film it and share it. Or "toys" of some kind. We do it in secret- where no one would find out. Maybe text her after and say something clever like.. "Hey, lets not tell anyone about this." Travel somewhere and sleep with a cute girl you meet.. your wife never has to know. Or maybe have your wife dress up like a nurse, then instead of having intimacy with your wife- you imagine its a real nurse that you meet at the office, another secret way to keep things pleasurable without literally cheating on your spouse. Sex with lots of people, in lots of places, and maybe drink some alcohol first to keep it hot. That should satisfy.

Or money, we should all strive to make lots of it. Steal it. Work day and night to earn it. Cheat if necessary. Life should revolve around it. Lets do something that involves selling weed- that usually brings a profit. We can sell more and make more money, then.. I don't know.. let's buy a boat and go on lavish vacations. Once we get the money- don't give it away. Or I guess if you want to be generous you can tip the Starbucks barista when you buy your next latte- but that should suffice. Don't give to your loved ones, they should be more responsible and take care of themselves. Tithing to a church? Don't believe in it. Those hypocritical pastors don't deserve a higher salary. If, on the off chance you do need to give, go ahead and make that person feel as if they owe you something. Money should always means more than relationships. They weren't that good of a friend in the first place. Or dad. Or mom. Or sister. More money. More pleasure.

Appearance. Actually scratch everything else. The real satisfaction in life comes from outward appearance in the eyes of others. Lets do whatever we can to have sexy bodies, successful jobs, well-decorated houses, nice clean cars, and lets make sure our facebook pages are really convincing. In fact go untag yourself from every bad picture. You did already? Good. Good. Me too. The whole meaning of life is to be sure that we appear better than everyone else. That is where true satisfaction comes from.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11  
¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
   I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
   and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
   and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
   nothing was gained under the sun.

Honestly, as I read through my sarcastic paragraphs on what really matters in life- I am struck by how much I really believe all of these things. So often I struggle with lust and impure desires in the area of sex. Or with money- here as a missionary my husband and I do not earn an income. We "live by faith", trusting God to provide for us each month through friends, family, and people who believe in our ministry. God has been faithful to provide for me every single month and yet I still wonder if life would be better with a nicer car, or more expensive home furnishings. When it comes to appearance its a constant battle between fearing God and fearing people. What opinion do I value more? God's or yours? Somehow I struggle with believing the lies that I know so strongly to be false.

Nothing satisfies outside of Jesus. Nothing. The more stuff we have, the more we crave. We think that this next thing will be the one that fills us up, but no, we always want more. Whether it is clothing- "All I need is a new pair of boots, then I'll be totally happy this winter" or a hit- "I swear after this I am putting down the bong forever", or sex "After this time we are not going to have sex again until we are married." I am learning that even in ministry if I am doing things for God instead of seeking to be with God then at the end of the day I will still feel dry and unhappy.

We were created by God to be with God. Its crazy and doesn't always feel real, but I have learned that no truth is more true than this. No pleasure or source of satisfaction will never be enough for us outside of hanging with Jesus. Its the core of who we are and without it we crumble. Everything else is meaningless and is going to fall away at some point. Other desires may be nice, but if they are in the place of God in our hearts, they will lead us into destruction. We cannot put our trust in it.

If I can encourage any of you sweet people- you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are wanted, and you are better than the life you are living. Money can't buy happiness, neither can most of the things you are chasing. Life is so short, don't waste it with meaningless things that don't fill you up. There is more to life than what you're experiencing and I pray that you see that. Don't fade through another day desiring things that don't matter. You will regret that later, I am certain of it.

Sex & Romance

"I hear with my ears that God delights in me. I understand it as knowledge, I even comfort others with that truth on a daily basis. Yet somehow, at the end of the day, I still feel like I have missed it in my heart."
She reacted to the honesty of her admittance as if she had swallowed old milk, certainly not something she enjoyed. She followed with a shameful sigh as she reflected on all the ways her lack of heart revelation overflows into the lives of the ones she loves. Her poor precious best friend is constantly a victim of her moodiness. Her family members endure her pride. But more than anything she can't shake feeling bad for the way her inability to understand God's love is negatively impacting her marriage. Worse too- this great void of love is affecting her sex and she has been too ashamed to admit it. Who would understand that? Attempting to keep back tears, she went on to describe her inner torment. During sex she imagines herself being someone else, or being with someone else, because even after all she has learned about the goodness of sex- she still struggles with comprehending that sex is anything other than dirty. At this point she just wept because she couldn't take it. She was exhausted from always talking about God and yet constantly feeling desperate to simply be with Him.


In Song of Songs (a great book in the Bible) God uses Solomon to illustrate, in extravagant detail, the passion between a man and a woman. As I decided to really read into this book this morning (using the New Living Translation), I felt as if I had uncovered a hidden treasure. God's word really is alive and active and the revelation of truth that I gained as I started my day is one that I pray will lead you into being further rooted and established in God's love.

All throughout Song of Songs we see a kind of dialogue between this couple. In reading the first few chapters I was struck by how much these 2 lovers delight in each other. Starting from the beginning the woman says, "Kiss me and kiss me again for your love is sweeter than wine". (1:2) My pastor, Brian Sumner, said that the word used for love here in the Hebrew means: chemistry, romance, or erotic attraction. So this woman is extra excited with romantic feelings of love toward the man.

Then the man responds a bit later in the chapter by telling her how gorgeous and amazing she is. He says, "How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful! Your eyes are like doves." (1:15) So they go on to lavish love on each other by expressively adoring every part of each other.

I love the picture of God's design for romance that Song of Songs portray. We are to be outward about our love for our romantic partner. Why? Well, ideally we have sought God about if we are supposed to in a relationship with this person. Then once He confirms it, which He really does, then we can be confident that our relationship is His best for us. Once we know that then we know that God is going to be giving us His heart for that person. We will see the other person with an increasing awareness of the love of God for them. We have eyes to see their gifts, their strengths, the beauty in their physical features, and all sorts of amazing wonders about them will stand out to us. If that is how God feels toward them, then who better to communicate the love than you, their committed romantic partner and friend? *However everyone is different in how they receive love so I encourage you to look into the "5 Love Languages" so that you can be most effective in showering your sweetheart with the love they need.

In my understanding of Song of Songs the couple gets married in chapter 4. Then we are able to read into their sexual experience. So again we see the man pouring out romantic compliments over his new bride. He begins with her head, her face, and her smile. Then he moves downward and affirms her in a more sexual tone- offering loving acceptance of her breasts and her thighs. He says in the midst of this, "You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes." (4:9)

As the man praises the magnificence of his new wife, he speaks of the sacred perfection of her sexuality. He recognizes the privacy of this moment, he acknowledges that this precious woman is about to give him a very expensive gift. Her sexuality does not come cheap- it is a "treasure", a "private garden", "a secluded spring, a hidden fountain". (4:12)

How amazing! As women our sex is a treasure- not something to be treated as trash. In a culture polluted by divorce, pornography, and adultery- God declares sex a private treasure. Not to be broadcasted or shared with strangers. We are to actively delight in our spouses and not allow images of anyone else to replace them.

In 4:16 the woman invites her groom to fully enjoy her. She says, "Come into your garden, my love, and taste its finest fruit." She has declared that her sex is now his.

We see the man's response, "I have entered my garden, my treasure, my bride!" (5:1) He has received her sex as his own.

There is so much to love about sex and romance, but we will only ever be totally satisfied in it if we trust God with it. God created it. He knows exactly where the greatest pleasure is in it all. Sex and romance done the way God intends us to do it, is to be an example of His relationship with us. We, the Bride of Christ, delight ourselves in Him. God, the Groom, the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, delights in us- His Bride, His Children, His Creation.

We open ourselves to Him, standing before Him, hiding nothing, presenting all that we are to Him, and we welcome Him to be physically present within us.

God beckons us to Himself in Jesus Christ, and as He overwhelms us with His perfect and passionate love, He teaches us how to be passionate about our loved ones.