A letter from Karisse Schilling. "Dear 25 Year Old"

Karisse Joy Schilling
April 7, 1979 - May 18, 2016

Karisse was the joy girl. Not the cancer girl.

In September of 2007 I arrived to the Youth With a Mission campus in Los Angeles to attend a 6 month long Discipleship Training School. I was freshly 19 years old, eager to leave Colorado and intrigued by both Jesus and Los Angeles. Honestly I was probably more interested in LA than Jesus but God knew what was good for me and it all somehow landed me at YWAM LA. At the "Welcome Dinner" Karisse was the first person I talked to. Our first conversation was about our love for High School Musical and she won my heart by quoting Zac Efron.

Karisse quickly became a friend and a mentor in my life. She was someone I would go to for advice and encouragement. Even when we were just hanging out and laughing at Disney movies I was learning from her. She was also so positive and hopeful. She never acted like someone who had cancer. She was the joy girl, not the cancer girl. Despite being diagnosed over and over, and going through all kind of treatments from the time she was in her early twenties, cancer never monopolized our thoughts or conversations. We talked about it occasionally, but mostly it was just when she missed her mom and she was telling me about how Jesus had been faithful to take care of her after her mom passed away. Her mom died of cancer just a few weeks after Karisse was first diagnosed, and Karisse began her first cancer treatment the day after her mom's funeral.

Karisse was there when Shaun and I met. She loved Shaun from the start and was encouraging me to get to know him. We would talk about him over lunch dates in Los Angeles, and we even talked about him over a coffee date in Thailand when she came to visit my team in 2008. Karisse was the first person I called when Shaun asked me to be his girlfriend. She literally cheered.

Karisse lived an incredible life with the 37 years she was given. She was a missionary to 27 nations. She worked with IJM in Washington D.C. to help with major injustice issues around the world. She started a Justice ministry in Los Angeles to help see an end to human trafficking. Karisse was a blogger and an author. She even published a coloring book on Amazon for people to use when they are spending time with Jesus, she just wanted people to take time to rest, pray, and color in simple pages of swirls and scriptures. She was always making things more beautiful.

More than any of that though, what stands out to Shaun and I about Karisse was her extravagant love for people. She was a cheerleader of a friend. She spoke life and encouragement into our lives in moments when we really needed it, carving out time for coffee dates with me and sending us long Facebook messages reminding me how much she loves us and how much Jesus loves us and encouraging us to keep being faithful to the things God has called us to.

When I was 24 I decided to do this thing where I wrote friends of mine who were older and wiser, friends I wanted to be like when I grew up, and I asked them to give me advice about being 25. I was nervous about getting older and I thought it would be fun to not only receive their advice but then to post it on my blog so other friends could be blessed by it too.

Last night when I was going through old messages from Karisse I found her letter about turning 25. It is perfect and beautiful. So very Karisse. The odd thing is I never actually posted it on my blog and I have no idea why. Her response must have gotten lost in the midst of the other responses I received. I'm sorry I didn't post it back when Karisse was still here to see it but I am grateful I can share her advice now. I pray it impacts people even more deeply than it would have been then.

Karisse lived a good life. In fact she wrote in her will that she wanted us to wear bright colors and eat ice cream at her memorial because she lived such a good life. So that's what we did yesterday. We ate big bowls of ice cream and celebrated Karisse. Today I ask that you celebrate her again by reading her letter, taking her advice and even sharing it with a friend. It is written to 25 year olds but will speak to anyone.

Thank you so much. And thank you Jesus for Karisse. We are so grateful for her.


"Dear 25 year old, 

I now know some things that I wish I knew when I was 25 and I'd love to share them with you. Mainly I know that I am enough and worthy just the way that I am. I don't have to "do" certain things to have worth and value. The number on the scale does not reflect my value. It doesn't matter how much, or how little I weigh--my worth does not change! The ONLY place that I find true value is in who Jesus says that I am. And He says that I am worthy and beautiful and His princess. That is the value statement. I am enough. Any other message is an observation and does not hold power to destroy that identity.

If I could go back and tell myself something on my 25th birthday, I would tell myself to enjoy each day and find beauty in what it holds. I would remind myself not to panic about being single, but to instead find the good and blessings in every day. Each day holds something beautiful, even if it's the worst day of our life. Find the beauty and hold onto it. Focus on the good, and not the bad. Stop looking at that scale and comparing yourself to others!

A book that I wish had been written when I was 25 is "God Loves Ugly" by Krista Black. Seriously, it has changed my life. My perspective on myself, God and identity everything. If you only read one more book, you need to read this one. Read it slowly and do the homework at the end of each chapter. I "ugly cried" through the last 3 chapters in a good, healing type of way. Seriously, amazon.com right now.  

A movie I think you would love... Well, there are so many! I love a wide variety for various reasons and can quote almost all the ones I've seen! If you haven't seen "While You Were Sleeping" yet, just go ahead and buy it. It's a good time. If you haven't seen "Penelope" yet just buy that one too. The cinematography and design is absolutely stunning and the message is quite lovely too.

I think that we place more importance on our appearance than we should. Seriously, love God and love people. I think that's the basics of life. I think that worrying about my weight, feeling fat and having bad body image has stolen a lot from me. It's stopped me from trying things I otherwise would have and has stolen joy from my life. Let's not hate the art God created in us. Everyone looks different, and that's lovely. Your beauty will come from your eyes, your choices, your words etc. That's what people remember. Now, let's be healthy. Let's put quality food in our body and use those muscles etc---but let's not put so much energy into hating our bodies and comparing ourselves. Don't let that rob you. Love God, love people. I say it again. Everyone is longing for love. Let God fill your heart with his message of worthiness--and know that you are "enough" just as you are. Bring that overflow to the people around you who are drowning and longing to believe that they are enough too. 

Have fun whenever you can, because life is short! 25 feels old, but it's really not! Live your life in a way that allows you to hear what God is saying to you and obey it. Smile, laugh, invest in people. Take a lot of pictures (and print them!). Save some money! Even if it's just $1-$5 a week start saving it in a jar if you have to! Collect all your spare change in a jar because it will add up! Sell a few things and get an "emergency" fund. Always keep $1,000 in savings (as best you can) so that when emergencies happen you don't immediately go into debt. Oh, and don't go into debt! Don't spend more than you have, but don't stress about every coffee you buy either! Every once in a while think about yourself at the age of 50 or 60 and see if you would be glad that this is what you did with your life. 

A fun idea is to do a 25 things before 26 list this year. (and then 26 things before I turn 27. And then 27 things before I turn 28 etc) Make a few big goals and a lot of small ones and cross them off as you do them. You could even take a picture of each thing and keep it in a little album (ex: go to a concert, fly on a plane, learn to crochet, learn a new recipe etc).  Also, put a little money aside each month so that you have some fun money to celebrate your 30th! Get a few friends together and go on a cruise, or a trip or to Disney--and then you have the funds ready.

Life is unpredictable. Control is an illusion. We think we have control of our lives, but we really don't. We don't know what tomorrow holds, so enjoy today. Love those around you today. Choose to invest in your faith and know God more. Choose to trust God when bad things happen. It's ok to be upset, angry, sad etc. be honest with how you feel (God knows anyway). Don't live your life to impress others and for pete's sake, stop comparing yourself to others! What a waste of time and energy! Learn to love the YOU that God gave you. Besides, you'll be all wrinkley in 40 years and you'll look back at this time and wonder why you didn't love the young body that you had! When you feel attacked, mess up, are having a fat day etc, chant to yourself "That's an observation, not a value statement" and remind yourself that you are enough and worthy as you are. Oh, and surround yourself with pretty things and quotes and Bible verses to help you remember that.  Buy yourself flowers sometimes whether or not you have a significant other. (and NOT having a significant other does NOT diminish your worth or say something negative about you!)  Now, go hug someone. Everyone needs a hug.

Also. Wear sunscreen EVERY SINGLE DAY. It protects you from wrinkles. (And cancer!) 

I rambled a lot!!! Love you!  

K" 

thoughts on skinny and beauty and good and bad... and pregnant. #bodyimage

Lately I have been thinking a lot about body image. Probably because I am watching my own body change and grow and I’m having to believe it is good while living in a culture that celebrates skinny. Pregnant ladies aren’t skinny. Pregnant ladies are pregnant. I think pregnant is beautiful but the trouble is this stage in between being my pre-pregnant self and my fully pregnant self, where I look more like I’ve been eating an extra helping of carbs at every meal instead of growing a full on human. Each morning I look in the mirror and the questions start brewing, “Is this normal?... Does this look pretty?... Do I look fat?... Is my weight gain healthy?... Will I look like a whale in a few months and wish I would have done things differently earlier in my pregnancy?... and....and...and...?” It’s no secret that trusting God with my body has been a struggle. I try to be open about that because as I’m learning how to love my own shape I hope I can somehow help others to love theirs as well. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress over the last 5 years, embracing the way I look and accepting it as good, even if it looks different from what I see in magazines and media. But this whole pregnancy thing has brought me back to a type of insecurity that I haven’t felt since high school. It’s not fun. It’s not easy to talk about. And as much as I’d like to ignore it I am choosing instead to feel it with everything in me, because unlike the high school version of me, this Jessica knows God now, and I know He wouldn’t allow me to experience these feelings if He didn’t plan to use them for my good and for the good of those around me. 

I find that much of my struggle is centered around deciding whether or not what I see in the mirror is “good” or “bad”. That’s the part that reminds me of high school. When we are children we are unaware that our body could be good or bad. To us, a body is just a body, and if anything, all bodies are good bodies because they are what we use to hug and play and run. As we get older we become aware of the possibility that a body can be “bad” based on its appearance and the opinions of others. So we quietly start to wonder where our own body falls. We look around to friends at school and girls on TV to see what is “good”. We learn things like... skinny is good.... tall is good... pimples are bad... boobs are good... and then based on what we find around us we start to compare our bodies to this template of “good” that has been created in our minds. As if this process isn’t painful enough, our bodies are actually still developing so we don’t even know what the grown up versions of ourselves will look like. One day we are shapeless toothpicks of girls and the next we wake up having hips and boobs and a complex about how we got so “big”. It’s hard to know whether the body we are wearing is good or bad when we aren’t even familiar with its curves and we are still learning how to dress in a way that is most flattering to our figure. I remember a time when I was going through this process, not that I realized it was happening, and how even meaningless comments from friends began to dictate how I viewed my body. One friend said in dance class, “I hate it when girls try to hide that their thighs touch.” I never knew girls hid the fact that their thighs touched. I never knew that thighs touching was a thing. But in that moment I learned that thighs touching was a problem, something that people want to hide and that’s when I realized how my own thighs touched, and that’s when I learned it was a problem.  “Thighs that touch is bad.” 

  

The same process is happening with me right now. I look in the mirror and I wonder if I am wearing my pregnancy in a good way or a bad way. I wonder if I’m gaining weight in a good way or a bad way. I wonder if I’m beautiful or if I’m just a vessel growing a child, which somehow makes me exempt from the whole needing to be beautiful thing. 

But this week I had a thought. What if I got to decide what was good? What if I stopped waking up hoping that beauty would somehow happen to me, and I decided to define good before looking in the mirror. Because it seems like good and bad in beauty is mostly based on magazines and media, at least that’s how it is in my world, but I happen to be personal friends with a handful of girls who I am certain everyone one else in my life would call “good” for being absolutely perfect physically, and even those girls confess to me how inadequate and unattractive they feel. We all feel “bad”. We all feel like we have missed it and that beauty is a thing only attained by some other girl with some other body. 

What if I stopped basing my definition of “good” or “bad” on what the world says about beauty and what if I chose to let God define it for me? What if I believed that I was “fearfully and wonderfully made” the way the Bible says I am? What if I chose to agree with the reality that the beautiful God who made me, the same beautiful God who made oceans and sunsets and twinkly stars, actually made me to resemble Him, which means that I am beautiful simply because He was beautiful first? What if I decided that my pregnancy was good, that my pregnant body looked good, because it was performing a miracle that it has never ever done before? What if we decided that all bodies were good? Perhaps if we stopped chasing skinny and stopped chasing beauty then we could start celebrating our bodies and rewarding them for all of the good they do. Even if we are overweight. Even if we are out of shape. Those don’t need to be reasons to punish our bodies. If we began to view our bodies as good, right now, exactly as they are, then we could start to treat them tenderly and nourish them accordingly. Good bodies deserve health. Bad bodies deserve to be strained, starved, and neglected. Bad bodies aren’t worth our best. Good bodies deserve to be loved. 

Whether we are a 16 year old in a high school hallway, or a 26 year old in her first pair of maternity shorts, the desire to be beautiful is real and the way we think about our bodies is a choice. The more we develop patterns in our hearts of thanking God for forming us and pursuing health in these figures He has given us, the easier it will become to love the way we look. That process looks differently for each of us but for me it means guarding my heart from spending too much time online or in magazines, it means not weighing myself unless I’m at the doctor’s office, and it means not being critical of myself in my thoughts or in my speech. This body I am in is a gift. Your body is a gift. Good gifts from a good God. Let’s learn to trust His goodness and embrace the beauty that is already ours. 

You have a good body. A really good one. I pray you see it. 

Amen. 

Some Christmas time photos from Michigan. Just because I love them. 

Barcelona beautiful.

Barcelona is a place of beauty. I like it because it's different from home. I like home too but at home we value efficiency. We build it to get it done, the look of something isn't our top priority. We want to make things that work well. Aesthetics are secondary. 

But here they place a high value on beauty. It is enough for something to simply be beautiful. Art is everywhere. The buildings are colorful and different shapes. The streets and sidewalks are adorned with curvy ledges and bricks and marble and metal sculpted pieces. Shaun is convinced the whole city was designed by a skater, because everything is skate-able, and even though he probably isn't correct, I love that he loves it here so much. He probably appreciates the architecture more than most. 

Being in Barcelona reminds me how much God cares about beauty. It is a reflection of His heart and invites us into His peace. Beauty points us to His glory and magnificence. It brings quiet comfort and a sweet joy, sometimes subtle, but undoubtedly sure.

I think the beauty of humanity is designed to do the same. Being here has helped me pray better for girls and women everywhere. I'm praying that our beauty would be a gift to those around us. A beauty that invites freedom and peace. Not a striving competitive beauty motivated by pride or insecurity, but a beauty that says, "I am enough. I am created by a beautiful Creator and my very being reflects His glory." I am praying that we would display a kind of beauty that actually encourages the beauty in others, a wonderful and contagious Barcelona-like beauty, that makes even skaters feel closer to heaven. 

I'm convinced that with humble grateful hearts we bring glory to our Maker in both creating and celebrating beauty. 

That is what Barcelona is teaching me this week. 

Here are a few photos from my anniversary date with Shaunny. We would have celebrated our 5 years of marriage on Saturday, because we were actually married May 31st like my grandparents, but I was as sick as can be. It's really okay though because Monday June 2nd turned out to be just as good. Also we intended to sit on the sand for part of our date but we must have somehow stumbled upon what Shaun and I, through hysterical laughter, called "Naked Man Beach"... named after... well... exactly what it sounds like. I have never seen so many old, TOTALLY NAKED men in my life. There were also a few people in swimsuits and one naked old woman, but they were invisible to me. I was distracted by the fact that there were like 10 naked old men dangling their treasures at me. Wow. So naturally we ended up on big cement blocks... far away from Naked Man Beach.  

What a warm welcome to this glorious city. Haha... I'm literally laughing as I type this. Ohhhh my.......

a story of healing. bulimia && alcolohism.

This is an entry that I am reposting from my good friends, Shane and Christina Nearman. ((They are the International Directors of Models For Christ and are currently living in England (hopefully they will return to California soon!! and hopefully they will have adorable THICK British accents too!))

This is one of the most powerful stories of God's healing and restoration that I have ever been a part of. 

Robin Curuz (the author of this post) is a good friend of mine. 

I met her 3 years ago... she was dying... 

I had breakfast with her 3 days ago... and she is healed. 

I pray you are encouraged by her story. 

Being asked to write about my healing process is funny because, in treatment for an eating disorder, my first session with my counselor ended with him asking me to consider whether I wanted to be saved or healed. He told me those were two very different things and that while I might desperately want relief he wasn’t sure I was willing to go through the process of healing, which would require patience and work.

It HAS been a process, but relative to the 11+ years I was enslaved by my addiction to food and my appearance, this time of recovery has been like the blink of an eye. More importantly, all those years I had been so afraid because I thought I was alone. These past three years, though extremely challenging and uncomfortable at times, I have known Help and Love are with me always.

When I called Christina for the first time I had been brought to my knees by bulimia and didn’t believe there was any hope for me. I don’t remember much of our conversation, but one thing I remember clearly was saying I didn’t want to say the name Jesus…I didn’t know why, but I didn’t want to. She helped me by letting me repeat a prayer after her. When I went to Models for Christ for the first time I was moved to tears by the worship but didn’t understand much of what was being said. I was baffled that people prayed for other people (I had always only thought of myself!) and, though I didn’t understand why, I really believed the love and joy in their eyes was sincere. A few women prayed over me my second time there and when I said I didn’t want to pray to Jesus because I didn’t know what that meant and I didn’t know Him, one said something along the lines of “isn’t that exactly what the enemy would tell you…that you don’t know Him enough to pray to Him”. That set me free.

Soon after that, a man from Remuda Ranch called Christina just as her speaker for that week was cancelling (wow!) and so, ended up speaking to us about eating disorders, image and who we are in Christ. He told me after that meeting that I would probably need to be separated from the behavior cycle I was in so an impatient treatment would be helpful. When I went for the physical he suggested I get, my doctor told me he didn’t know much about eating disorders and that I should see a specialist. The nurse came back in with a list of references and on top was a little blue post-it that said “Remuda Ranch” (whoa!).

A woman who had been healed of an eating disorder was also brought to me at MFC and it was her and a bunch of amazing people at YWAM LA who prayed with me before asking my family for financial support and helped me move everything out of my apartment. The way I saw it, they didn’t know me and had no reason to love me or help me…but they said they did it because they loved Jesus. I struggled to believe them…but still couldn’t wrap my mind around it (now I can!!).

One of the most pivotal experiences I had at Remuda Ranch was when the body image counselor explained to me that I had inherent worth to God; I could do nothing to make Him love me less and nothing to make Him love me more. I am STILL meditating on that and trying to really embrace it. It changes everything! 

My aunt and uncle came to see me there for family week and during one of the sessions I thought “what if I moved to Miami to live with them?!…well…I’d never ask them…so, God, if you want me to go to Miami they will have to ask me”. The next break my uncle looked at me and said “Rob, what do you think about coming to live with us in Miami?” (wow!…the prodigal niece!) I had so many ties to my addictions in LA and was such a slave to appearances, so I knew I needed a change but I was also very afraid of moving away from the people and giving up everything I knew…everything I thought I had. Really, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Making that move was the first time I did something I was afraid to do because I believed it was what God wanted, so it had to work out.

At that time, I was on 3 different psychiatric medications and had a treatment team of five different professionals. I had been in therapy since childhood, was put on antidepressants at the age of 16 to treat my anorexia and had been on 10+ other medications since. My body had not functioned properly in over a decade and I had never eaten regularly or had a healthy relationship with food.

I began working at a gym on South Beach, where I was tormented with thoughts of self-pity, envy and suicide constantly. Mornings, I woke to a fear that was nearly paralyzing and I slept as often as possible to escape the way I felt. My depression and anxiety were not responding to any of the treatment and my psychiatrist was recommending electroshock therapy. One of the most beautiful things about that time was God gave me coworkers who spoke to me about Him and the things He had promised me in His Word. The ONLY time I had any relief was when I talked with others about Jesus and when they prayed with me. This increased my faith so much because I had tried EVERYTHING to find relief.

At 17 years old, when my mother died of alcoholism, I was living like an animal. I was binging, purging, drinking myself unconscious as often as possible and stealing from and stepping on anyone who got in my way. I was set free from the alcohol addiction at 18 but for the following 8 years, used my eating disorder, destructive relationships, therapy, medications, shopping, chanting, hypnosis, self-help…ANYTHING I could get my hands on, to try and fix what was wrong with me. In ignorance, I criticized and stayed far away from anyone who spoke the truth and surrounded myself with those who supported my addictions.

THIS is why I am still in AWE of how Jesus drew me to Himself. He NEVER gave up on me. Now I am grateful for every moment that brought me closer to knowing Him.

In the months after Remuda, I began to accept that my problem was spiritual and that God was my ONLY hope. I learned how to take inventory of my thoughts and combat them with the truth, started daily practicing prayer and meditation and worked hard to stay focused on who He is and what He has done for me. I was guided through examining my past with a new perspective to heal resentments, identify harm I caused and make amends wherever possible. I was given all the support I needed in friends and family and also learned how important it was for me to be of service to them and all those around me.

Slowly, I became abstinent and found a joy and a peace I had never known possible. My mind became quiet enough to hear the guidance that I was promised and I found that when I let God direct my paths things go MUCH better in my life. People often asked me if I was in love or had “met someone special” (YES!) or how I always kept a smile on my face. I still find myself amazed that a life free of fear is even possible. The old way of living had seemed SO very real. It really is true – God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

Six months ago I slowly began making art again. I had failed out of art school because I could not handle any kind of pressure without self destructing. Without knowing my worth in Christ, I had always believed it was determined by my art, my appearance and the attention I got from others. The pressure to succeed and the fear of failure had been unbearable. I still don’t know how some people seem to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and live life. I can’t do anything without God.

My first experiences with drawing again were incredible. I had no question in my mind that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I had moments outside of time where I felt more complete and content that ever before. When I made time and space to meditate and ask for guidance I was FILLED with inspiration and ideas for many days in a row. As I began to take further steps to start painting again, I first had almost unbearable headaches and, when that didn’t stop me, I was filled with the tormenting thoughts again…of doubt, insecurity and fear of failure. I kept showing up and putting in the time and I still pray before every time I paint. Without that Help, I would not have been able to keep going. Those first few weeks taught me so much! I would have thoughts about how impossible it all was…and when I’d take those thoughts to God He would remind me “I’m God!”….and I’d feel so silly!

I have been abstinent from my eating disorder for over two years now and God has healed everything in my body and my mind. When I had my closing session with my dietician she told me she had not believed that recovery would be possible for me. She also said that she knew it was my seeking help from God that made all the difference (sooo cool!).

NOTHING and NOBODY is beyond His Grace, His Healing and His Hope.

I am so very grateful to Christina, Shane and everyone at MFC LA and Miami for telling me that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me. I’d go through it all again and again to never live another day without knowing.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. -Matthew 7:7

reunited for the first time in 3 years! we used to meet at this coffee shop in Montrose, Ca often so I could teach her more about Jesus and pray for her healing! now three years later she is teaching me about Jesus and praying for the healing of others! God is so good!! 

project beauty.

I don't really know what it is yet... but I know that I am doing it.
 PROJECT BEAUTY. I'm all in.

What do I mean?

Well... this week for some silly reason I have been struggling big time with the way I see myself.

Feeling all kinds of madness... too big... too old... too tall (to be a Disney princess)... too short (to model)... unorganized... disproportionate (small chest but bigger butt and thighs)... bumpy skin... yellow teeth ... strange nose...

I may sound like a big bundle of issues... but I'm okay with that. Because the truth is I do have issues, and so do you. I just feel especially burdened to put my issues on display in hopes that as I overcome mine, you will be able to learn from me and overcome yours too.

After laying in bed crying two nights ago because of my stupid insecurities, I feel like God is challenging to learn to love myself in an even deeper way.

See, I have been learning to love myself for the last 5 years. And trust me... I have come FAR. So I don't feel discouraged now, or surprised that I am struggling again.. because I see that life is a process and I am facing different things now than I did when I was 18.

But I'm ready to go deeper with God and experience a new understanding of His love for me. I'm ready, AGAIN, to conquer these insecurities and embrace who I am. I know that my appearance is a gift. I also know that my Creator loves how I look... HE delights in my features. I need to learn to love this body I'm in because I'm going to have it for the rest of my life.

Soooooo..... project beauty is happening in Jessica's life. I'm not copyrighting the name... and I don't need anyone else to join the project either. (Though if you want to join me please do!) Project beauty is just me getting buckwild about pursuing the truth of who I am in Christ.

It's day one of the project and here is where I am at....  
ENCOURAGEMENT.
I am choosing today to encourage myself. The same way I would encourage a struggling friend.

Everytime I look in the mirror I will think of at least one thing I love about myself, and I will thank God for that thing.
And when I lay down for bed I will thank God for 5 things I like about myself.
I did it last night... and again this morning when I woke up.
That's all. Day one of project beauty is encouragement. Simple.

The Bible says in Genesis 50:20--

"But as for you, you meant evil against me; 

but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, 

to save many people alive." 

Satan wants to destroy us through our insecurities and perversions of beauty. He wants to convince us that we will never be good enough. But here is what I have decided... the more the enemy lies to me... the more I will pursue truth... and the more truth I find ... the more truth I will share... which means more freedom for both myself and others.

What the enemy means for evil against me, God will use it for good, to save many.

This is a sunset we saw in Tijuanna last week. There is really no better artist than the Creator of the universe. If He can bring forth this much beauty from an evening sky... imagine the beauty He wants to unveil in you and me...

 

Satisfaction- Sex. Money. & Our appearance.

Sex... not "boring married sex", but sex with lots of people. Maybe we add porn to it to liven things up; or film it and share it. Or "toys" of some kind. We do it in secret- where no one would find out. Maybe text her after and say something clever like.. "Hey, lets not tell anyone about this." Travel somewhere and sleep with a cute girl you meet.. your wife never has to know. Or maybe have your wife dress up like a nurse, then instead of having intimacy with your wife- you imagine its a real nurse that you meet at the office, another secret way to keep things pleasurable without literally cheating on your spouse. Sex with lots of people, in lots of places, and maybe drink some alcohol first to keep it hot. That should satisfy.

Or money, we should all strive to make lots of it. Steal it. Work day and night to earn it. Cheat if necessary. Life should revolve around it. Lets do something that involves selling weed- that usually brings a profit. We can sell more and make more money, then.. I don't know.. let's buy a boat and go on lavish vacations. Once we get the money- don't give it away. Or I guess if you want to be generous you can tip the Starbucks barista when you buy your next latte- but that should suffice. Don't give to your loved ones, they should be more responsible and take care of themselves. Tithing to a church? Don't believe in it. Those hypocritical pastors don't deserve a higher salary. If, on the off chance you do need to give, go ahead and make that person feel as if they owe you something. Money should always means more than relationships. They weren't that good of a friend in the first place. Or dad. Or mom. Or sister. More money. More pleasure.

Appearance. Actually scratch everything else. The real satisfaction in life comes from outward appearance in the eyes of others. Lets do whatever we can to have sexy bodies, successful jobs, well-decorated houses, nice clean cars, and lets make sure our facebook pages are really convincing. In fact go untag yourself from every bad picture. You did already? Good. Good. Me too. The whole meaning of life is to be sure that we appear better than everyone else. That is where true satisfaction comes from.

Ecclesiastes 2:10-11  
¹⁰ I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
   I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
   and this was the reward for all my toil.
¹¹ Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
   and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
   nothing was gained under the sun.

Honestly, as I read through my sarcastic paragraphs on what really matters in life- I am struck by how much I really believe all of these things. So often I struggle with lust and impure desires in the area of sex. Or with money- here as a missionary my husband and I do not earn an income. We "live by faith", trusting God to provide for us each month through friends, family, and people who believe in our ministry. God has been faithful to provide for me every single month and yet I still wonder if life would be better with a nicer car, or more expensive home furnishings. When it comes to appearance its a constant battle between fearing God and fearing people. What opinion do I value more? God's or yours? Somehow I struggle with believing the lies that I know so strongly to be false.

Nothing satisfies outside of Jesus. Nothing. The more stuff we have, the more we crave. We think that this next thing will be the one that fills us up, but no, we always want more. Whether it is clothing- "All I need is a new pair of boots, then I'll be totally happy this winter" or a hit- "I swear after this I am putting down the bong forever", or sex "After this time we are not going to have sex again until we are married." I am learning that even in ministry if I am doing things for God instead of seeking to be with God then at the end of the day I will still feel dry and unhappy.

We were created by God to be with God. Its crazy and doesn't always feel real, but I have learned that no truth is more true than this. No pleasure or source of satisfaction will never be enough for us outside of hanging with Jesus. Its the core of who we are and without it we crumble. Everything else is meaningless and is going to fall away at some point. Other desires may be nice, but if they are in the place of God in our hearts, they will lead us into destruction. We cannot put our trust in it.

If I can encourage any of you sweet people- you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are wanted, and you are better than the life you are living. Money can't buy happiness, neither can most of the things you are chasing. Life is so short, don't waste it with meaningless things that don't fill you up. There is more to life than what you're experiencing and I pray that you see that. Don't fade through another day desiring things that don't matter. You will regret that later, I am certain of it.