Tuesday, October 9, 2012

How they see me...

Should be irrelevant shouldn't it?

Who are they to decide whether I'm smart or beautiful or talented or successful? When did they get permission to be the ones determining whether my body is the right shape, or my hair is the right length? Why am I okay with letting their opinion of me being THE opinion of me?

Isn't it strange? So often we allowing others to tell us who we are... And we change ourselves in order to be what we think they are looking for.

This week I submitted my picture for a potential modeling job. I was extra nervous. In my email to the company I asked what kind of look they were going for. They responded- "preferably a brunette or redhead with a unique, strong, interesting face".

That's what I thought to myself.

A strong face? Interesting? What does that even mean?
Surely I don't have it.
People have said I have an American face...
And a smiley face...
But never strong and never interesting.
And I know I'm not a red-head... but am I even a brunette?
I don't know... I think so... but my ends are lighter than my roots...

So guess what happened next? Anxiety happened.

I quietly allowed thoughts of despair to take over... Leading me into a whirlwind of negativity.

It didn't last too long, because by Gods grace I am a lot stronger now than I used to be. It's easier to separate truth from lies. But still... For those few hours I spent in the "pit"... It wasn't pretty.

I ran through all the reasons I wasn't good enough to model. It became bigger than this one job... It became about my identity.

I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.

Yes... Drama queen Jessica worked herself into a tear-filled mess.

I decided that I was tired of my own thoughts and ready to ask God for His.

Turns out, while I was being dramatic about my un-interesting face, God wasn't even phased. In fact, He was still on the throne, still taking care of the details of my life, and still totally content with the way He made me. Actually He reminded me that He really loves my face and He didn't make any mistakes on it.

It's so easy to believe the lies telling us that we are only as good as someone else thinks we are... But truth is... Our opinion of ourself should come from the Creator... Not from our fellow creation. God delights in His children... We resemble Him. He is the artist and we are the masterpieces.

The only way to have true peace in this crazy world is to have intimacy with Jesus, who is called "the Prince of Peace".

So about that modeling job... I didn't take it. Not because my face wasn't interesting enough, but just because I actually wasn't available on the day they wanted to shoot photos.

All that anxiety was for nothing.

Its always like that.
Anxiety does nothing.
Trusting Jesus is the only way to live securely in our identities.

Praying you find rest in His opinion of you today.

(( to carry with the theme of "how they see me", I decided to post photos I found of me that other people posted on instagram recently. Just for fun... This is literally how they saw me... :) ))

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