"hungryangrylonelytired." a word on contentment.

Every week I look forward to "Writing Day Friday". I think because it feels like an opportunity to make something beautiful, and after an especially strenuous week I find myself extra hungry for beauty. This week I am coming off of a Fashion Week outreach which, as always, is a glorious combination of total excitement and complete exhaustion. In Alcoholics Anonymous they have this thing called "H.A.L.T." which stands for "Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired." AA warns that if you find yourself feeling any of those things then you need to halt and use caution, because you will be more likely to be tempted towards bad decisions... which for the alcoholic is obviously drinking.

Shaun and I use "HALT" too. Whenever I am in the type of mood where my mind and emotions feel mushy like oatmeal and all I want to do is dissolve into the floor and stay there until next year, Shaun usually asks me if I'm feeling "Hungryangrylonelytired". Because for us it has become a one word thing. Sometimes we say it jokingly, sometimes for real, and this week has been a "Hungyangrylonelytired" week... for real.

I have this thing where every night I lay in bed and daydream about escaping. I don't know if that is right or wrong but I appreciate the comfort it brings me as I drift into sleep. I picture myself living in a home instead of a church. I picture shiny white walls and vases of lush pink flowers.  There are pretty paintings and a big chandelier and happy photos on the walls. I imagine a fun family and fun guests coming for dinner and I imagine that after dinner we all go for a walk. Some nights we walk to the beach, other nights we walk to an ice cream shop. I imagine having a tidy home in a beautiful location that smells good and feels good and looks good in photos.

Unfortunately waking up from sleep is slightly less comforting. When my eyes open I still live in a room at a church. My walls aren't white and my vases are empty most of the time because we travel too often for flowers to fully be enjoyed. The family in my home is made up of me and Shaun and anyone else who happens to be residing on the church floor at the time. Our meals are typically eaten on the go or at the Youth With a Mission campus and we don't go for walks after dinner because my skater husband would rather roll than walk, and because if I'm honest I'm usually lacking the motivation to face the traffic near our church. I think it's safe to walk where we live, but I prefer to do it when there aren't speeding LA drivers racing to get home from work. My room is rarely tidy and if we were birds then our room would be less like a nest and more like a branch that we stand on in the evenings to relieve us from the wing-flapping of everyday life.

Most days I really do like our home in the church and I really do like our life. I normally genuinely enjoy being the gypsy couple who travels often and has the gift of way too many friends. I also feel sincerely proud to have mastered the art of packing light because I remember how grueling that process used to be for me and it's not grueling anymore. But about once a month (hormones anyone?) I forget what I love about my life and all I can see are its apparent flaws. I want to see my wonderfully-hilarious-and-so-gorgeous husband but all I can smell are his yucky skate shoes. I want to see the adorable creativity in our almost entirely thrifted home decor, but all I can see is how cute my friend's houses are and how much I long for a space of our own. I want to see how cool is it that we have experienced so much of the world, but all I can feel is the chaos of not knowing whether I'll be spending next week in LA or somewhere else... or what country we will be in next year.

If you are rolling your eyes at me I understand. Why would I complain when I have so much to be grateful for? But it's always like that, isn't it? Other people are always longing for the things we take for granted.

The thing is that I know too much about God to wallow in my discontentment for too long. I know too much about His mountain moving power and about His "I-called-you-by-name" personal love and about the way He left Heaven to meet us in the depths of our brokenness to offer us a way out. Even though I am somebody who is quick to talk about God... which may also have something to do with the fact that I am somebody who is quick to talk in general... when I am going through my "hungryangrylonelytired" weeks I find myself doing less talking and more listening. My mouth glues shut, my ears perk up and my weary eyes look to Heaven pleading silently for some resolve.

"Remind me of Truth Lord. Remind me of Joy. Remind me You are near. Remind me that the God who saved me from the weight of my sin, can also save me from the weight of this week's burdens. Remind me what I love about this life. Remind me what I love about you. Remind of me everything beautiful around me. "

I don't speak the words, but my heart aches them, and I know He hears.

Faith that is detached from everyday life has never been interesting to me. Having a relationship with a powerless God who only cares about my church attendance and whether or not I stay married is not interesting either. I have already let myself down enough in this life and I would prefer not to acknowledge that I'm letting the Maker of the universe down too. But "hungryangrylonelytired" weeks remind me that the God I follow is better and nearer and more interesting and powerful than I even have the capacity to understand. The posture of my heart this week has been a bent over one. Like I'm a little child trying to carry something heavy and I'm falling down under the weight of it. But just as a mother rushes to the aid of her little one in pain, Jesus, the God called "Emmanuel" meaning "God with us", desires to be our ever present help in time of need. (Psalm 46:1)

All I really probably needed this week was a nap, or a day to rest and regroup, but it's comforting to realize that even before that happens, I serve a God who can handle my funk. He understands me. The Bible says He even knows the number of hairs on my head. He knows my dreams and my desires and though they may not all come true exactly as I imagine, I can be certain that His plans for me are good and my future with Him is full of hope.

My life is not my own. I was handcrafted by a Maker who calls me to contentment. He calls me to it regardless of my circumstances because He has made a way for it in Himself. Last night I asked my younger sister if she had advice for a "hypothetical person" struggling with "hypothetical discontentment" and without hesitation she gave me great advice broken down into 4 steps. Better even was that she spoke them compassionately, as a fellow struggler, which is my favorite type of advice-giver.

She said that her first step and last step are the same, be Grateful. She said it is most important to be thankful because usually being discontent is tangled up in being ungrateful, and God says in the Psalms that "we enter His gates with thanksgiving," which means gratitude is a sure way to enter the presence of God.

Next she said we need to assess why we are feeling discontent. Are we "Hungryangrylonelytired"? Are we being lazy? Are we heartbroken and need someone to talk to about it? Are we doing something that we know is disappointing the heart of God (aka sin) that we need to turn from (aka repent of)? Meredith said it helps to reflect on how we are feeling because processing it helps us to see the real need and be able to meet that need specifically.

Thirdly she said we need to do everything we can practically do to make the situation better. She suggested things like talking to a friend, stopping the cycle of envy we may have developed when we look at other peoples' lives, getting offline for a week... or longer, going for a jog, changing up our diet, getting plugged into a church, and disconnecting from the people or places that are making the discontentment worse.

Finally she ended where she started. "I think we need to be grateful again," she said matter-of-factly after going through steps 1-3. "Gratitude is the opposite of discontentment. Gratitude invites contentment."

What a smart little sister. So now I am taking my smart little sister's advice and turning this "Hungryangrylonelytired week" into a week of "Everything is okay." I still dream of living in a home one day, but for now our sweet little room at the church is perfect and cute and I love it. I still dream of lots of other things too, but today I choose to focus on making what I already have better and more beautiful. Envy won't get the best of me. Neither will stress. I'll probably still take a nap, and I'll probably use tomorrow to rest and recover, but I hope more than anything that I will choose contentment over escape. Being right here is good, even if right here is not exactly how I wanted it, because everything I need is here and His grace is sufficient for me.

May we have eyes to see the beauty that is all around us.

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12

trusting beyond chapter 2.

Ever since I learned to read I have loved to do it. I was the first one in my first grade class to read an entire chapter book and get my name on the wall. Remember that girl? Yep, it was me. Before I tried out for the volleyball team in 7th grade I went to the Colorado Springs library and checked out a book on volleyball. That's where I learned that the term, "shag your balls" wasn't actually sexual and didn't have anything to do with Austin Powers. When I was going to audition for Kathryn Grant's Dance Company at 15 years old, I went back to the same library and got a book about dance. Since it helped so much with my middle school and high school volleyball career, I was certain it would help with dance too. I ended up making the dance company before I finished reading chapter one, which was convenient because it started going into the history of ballet and I'm sorry to the historians and ballerinas... but it was completely boring. When I was 19 and wanted to learn about Jesus, I read books about Him. When I wanted to learn about marriage and leadership, more books. Today my preferred reading materials have expanded to include both books and blogs and I read more now than ever. I read for fun and I read for the sake of learning new things. I love it.

I am a particular kind of reader. I'm what you call a "read-the-last-chapter-of-the-book-if-it-gets-too-intense-to-make-sure-I-can-handle-this-part-of-the-book" type of girl. Did you get that? It goes like this, if I am on chapter 2 and the story is getting all twisty and my emotions are getting all twisty with it, I skip ahead to the end and read the last chapter, then if I like what I find back there, I return to twisty chapter 2, but if I don't like it, I set the book down and go look for another. Horrible right? A little bit. But it's my favorite way to do it. I think its because I am a deep feeler so the words on the page quickly become my reality, and if I am going to give myself over to experiencing something really intense, I need to know it will be worth it in the end.

There is something interesting I observed about myself recently though. I've found that its easier to not jump ahead to the end of the book if I trust the author. Take Shauna Niequist for instance. I think she is so great. Everything I have read of hers has blessed me like crazy. So now I am at a point where I am not even tempted to rush to the end of her stories because I am confident that she will not leave me hanging as a reader. If she introduces me to sadness or those twisty feeling I told you about, I know very soon she will also lead me to a place of hope, because that's what she always does and I like it very much.

Anyway I've noticed that my reading style is not so different from my lifestyle. I am extra good at enduring tough stuff when I can see the ending and understand why it will be worth it, but I'm prone to giving up if I can't see a promise of hope in what I'm going through. When I face something hard, all I want is to read the last chapter and know if the struggle I'm experiencing will lead to something redemptive and beautiful. The problem with life though is that most of the time the end of the story feels beyond reach, and when that happens I end up wanting to just close the book and start another, different, better story altogether.

I know that our favorite stories always involve struggle. The struggle makes the celebration at the end all the more exciting. We find ourselves rejoicing tearfully as the couple finally gets to be together, or the underdog finally wins the game, or the bad guy finally gets the justice he deserves. We endure those twisty feelings of chapter 2 when we believe that the ending will be a good one.

As I find myself walking through my own struggles without access to the last chapter of my story, I begin to consider my Author. Do I trust Him?  Enough to endure this? Because if I don't trust Him then my only alternative is to attempt to take his job, I move from being a character in the story to acting as the author of it. "My life, my story." Right? This mentality works for a little while until life inevitably reminds me that control is an illusion and at the end of the day I don't have the power to decide if my health will remain or my loved ones will live or even if the economy will be on my side. And if an "author" can't even control the variables in her own story, then she is not a very good author anyway. Which brings me back to determining whether or not I believe that the Author of my story is trustworthy.

The way I learned to trust Shauna Niequist was by reading her work. So naturally if I am going to decide if I trust my own Author, I am going to need to get familiar with His work.

His work. Genesis. The woman who endured decades of infertility finally had a baby. She was over 90 years old. The brother who was wrongly sold into slavery and unfairly spent years in prison, was eventually set free and made the leader of a nation. Exodus. Slaves miraculously set free from slavery. Their enemies defeated. Psalms. The pure-hearted man who is being attacked by a crazy, jealous, insecure leader finds peace, protection and promise. Isaiah. The people who disobey their Maker over and over and over again, are offered forgiveness and a new beginning. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. New beginnings. Always, always new beginnings. The dead girl miraculously restored to life. The slutty girl, given respect and dignity. The sick woman healed. The hopeless woman prone to hiding is given purpose and brings life to her community. Acts. Sick people healed. Dead people raised. Ephesians. Identity. Broken people restored. Poor people experience the riches of a meaningful life. Rich people experience the joy of generosity. Revelation. Every tear wiped away. No more sickness. No more heartache. New beginnings. Again.

All of that and I didn't even mention the part about sending His Son as Savior of the world.

His work invites me to trust. When I am tempted to close the book and start again, or when I wonder whether there is even really an Author at all, I remember His work and I choose trust. I choose to trust that nothing is wasted. I choose to trust that new beginnings are everywhere. I trust redemption is coming. I trust that struggle and heartache are opportunities for glory. My Author writes meaning into the mundane and purpose into the chaos and I trust Him. My Author writes peace into storms and life into barren places and I trust Him.

When I am tempted to give up and start again I remind my soul, or perhaps the Author reminds my soul, "Stay with it Jess. The page will turn. The twisty feelings in chapter 2 will be worth it. Trust."

Our Author promises hope. Always hope.

So we keep on keepin' on and believe together for an ending that will make the middle worthwhile.

In the words of everybody's favorite fish,
"Just keep swimming."

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

(Photos by Sarah Grunder Photography.) 

vlog from Barcelona.

a video blog from outside our apartment.

haha... its a bit all over the place but its something! 

Peace be still.

this is the perfect picture of peace. from a morning walk last week. i love it. 

i've been needing some extra peace lately.
i came home from New York and felt like my head spun a bit out of control.
not that dramatic.
but sometimes it feels like that.
especially last night.
i'll fill you in on a secret... but its a secret... so don't tell.
i woke up in the night crying from anxiety.
and i cried several times over the weekend from stress.
its a bother.
i talked with Shaun about it today.
and asked several close friends to pray for me.
and now i'm telling you.

this afternoon i asked my friend Amaris to have tea with me so i could talk it through.

oh yeah.... that's also because yesterday was pretty emotional too.
i was in the hospital room with an elderly couple, as the husband spent his last few hours on earth because of heart failure.
he was 90. his wife is a couple days away from being 87.
i think tomorrow would have been their 65th wedding anniversary.
i have helped them in their home for almost 4 years. they have become family to me. the wife didn't want me to leave the room. she just kept weeping and praying with her husband.
it was beautiful and devastating.
anyway i left at 1:00pm.
he passed away at 2:30pm.
i'm grateful i wasn't in the room when it happened, but my heart is broken for her.
they were one.
now she feels like half of her is missing.
she called me today. i'm going to clean her house for her tomorrow afternoon.
i wish there was more i could do.
she said God is comforting her.
but she is broken. and deserate for Jesus.
she knows Jesus. intimately.
she helped to found Youth With a Mission.
and has written books... like 8... published books... about God & His ways.
she has travelled the world teaching and preaching about Him too.
but this is the time in her life when she needs Him more than ever.
no teaching will satisfy her.
only a touch from the living God. the Comforter.

anyway back to my tea-time with Amaris.
i opened up with her about my recent anxiety.
and she listened intently.
she offered lots of wisdom, but I'll pick one piece to share with you.

its an acronym that she made up during a stressful time of her own.

P.D.D.

"Pray.

Do it.

Done."

she said that fear, worry, and perfectionism are thieves. They steal our time and our energy. They cause us to put things off & procrastinate.... but then... when we FINALLY get something done... we mull over it & pick it apart, again and again... thinking of all the ways we could have done it better.

her recent strategy has been to P.D.D.

when she encounters a situation...
FIRST she prays about it.
then she does what she can.
then she leaves it alone.

she doesn't give worry any space to speak into the situation.

she also suggested making things as simple as possible.
perfectionism likes to complicate.
but simple is good.


anyway I liked that advice.
i feel better already.

This one is from my walk on Saturday morning. this verse is SO encouraging to my heart. 

Living in the moment. post by Meredith Wilson.

Hi friends! So here is the story behind this blog post. My sister and I were sitting in my kitchen this morning, & she had thirty minutes left before she had to be at work. I got the great idea of having her write on my blog. She was nervous, but I was confident... this is what she wrote in only 15 minutes. You'll love it. Jess

Living in the moment is hard. Really hard. Most of the time I'm either thinking of the past or imagining what the future will look like, thats not necessarily a bad thing but when you spend most of your time thinking that way it steals from the moment that is actually happening now. I think it also produces discontentment, which is another thing I am learning to work through.

Living in the moment and learning to be content with life as it is is such a blessing and really helps you see God and how He is moving today, right now. When I was younger a lot of things happened that hurt me, emotionally and mentally so my way of coping with the emotions was to never be in the present. I would day dream about the future, and sometimes think of how I wish things could have been different in the past. That was a way i protected my heart and I don't think it was a bad thing because I was young and it was safe for me at that time but growing up and still doing that was/is dangerous. I started to realize that I was never present in the moment, I would be working and my mind would be in a completely different place. People would even mention how I seemed out of it or really distracted. When I was younger I did that intentionally to keep my mind off of painful events that took place in my life but as I got older the habit became second nature.

I didn't have to try to be somewhere else in my thoughts it just happened all the time. I would be with friends but my mind would be dwelling on past mistakes I had made or I would be worrying about how the future was going to be. It got to be so bad that no matter where I was or what I was doing in that season of my life I would imagine that life would be better if I were doing something else or if I was living someplace else. It became a very scary trap, I could never enjoy what I was doing, where I was living, or who I was with.

Theres a quote that says "you may think the grass is greener on the other side but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green." That is the truth. I was so caught up in thinking about the past or the future that I wasn't being a good steward of the present blessings that God had given me, like relationships and family.

It hasn't been easy to learn, and it doesn't come naturally to live and focus on the present but God is teaching me day by day how to do it. I lost a very meaningful relationship, and hurt people along the way by not being thankful for what God has given me, but I am thankful that finally after hitting a level of "rock bottom" He is faithfully showing me the way to live with my eyes open to the day before me.

A practical step that Ive learned to take is to really focus on the people that are around me, wether its at work and its with my coworkers; listening to them and how they are doing, or the customers that come in. Taking the focus off of yourself and placing it on the people around you and taking an interest in their hearts and lives really gives you Gods perspective of how short life is and how this moment right now is all that we have.

We are not promised tomorrow or even an hour from now but we do have this moment to give ourselves wholly to God and really love Him by being good stewards of this moment, today. 

Today let's try not to worry. God says that the minds of the unbelievers are dominated by worry. Worrying about what to eat. Worrying about what to wear. Worrying about tomorrow, next week, even next year. But God wants us to remember that we are living for eternity, we don't need to make ourselves crazy worrying about temporary things. He says that if we focus on Him and His Kingdom, He will make sure we have all we need. Jesus even tells us to pray for the things we need, because God is a Father who loves to give good gifts.

So today lets take a deep breath together, and give all of our worries to God. Lets focus on the eternal and make it a point to love well today. Lets love God and love others, with the love we first received from Him. When you start to feel worry creep back in, then go stand outside for a minute, and let yourself adore creation. The trees. The flowers. The ocean. The mountains. Look at the incredible detail in all of it. If He can do that awesome of a job with something small, like a flower, think of what a beautiful job He can do with everything you are worried about. Trust Him. It's going to be okay.

Matthew 6

New Living Translation (NLT)
31: “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."