when i hate the journey.

I just want to get there. I don't want to be delayed. I don't want to stop for gas, in fact I actually hate pumping gas, and I just really want to go. If I have have to pee, which I probably will because I'm six months pregnant, I'll hold it. I don't have time for bathroom stops. Quite frankly I don't have time for wrong turns either. I only have time to go the right way, to do the right thing, and to make the right choices. So please let's just get on with it.

Oh... if only life allowed for people like me to have our way. But no. 

This week is reminding me that it doesn't.

Over the course of the last few weeks I have been working on a project that I had been dreaming of doing for a very long time. The initial idea of the project was fun and in the beginning, hopeful. I had shared the idea with some specific encouraging friends and their enthusiasm made the prospect of doing it all the more exciting. Eventually after much praying and brainstorming, I was able to round up the tools I needed in order to make the dream happen. My plan was that when I arrived here to Spain I would begin the long-awaited work of turning my idea something tangible. 

The idea couldn't stay in my head anymore, it was time to take shape.

But it's been exactly that shape-taking process that is currently sending me for a loop.

 I have made several attempts at getting this thing underway. My first efforts were exciting but ultimately didn't work for various reasons. In faith, I tried not to be bothered by the delays. My second full day of working on it proved to be less effective than the first, with literally everything I had planned to do falling through. This time it was harder to ignore the delays. 

 I tried again and after more hours of failed attempts, I still had nothing to show for any of it. 

My great idea was still just a great idea.

Days went by and I continued to direct my energy towards this once sparkly dream in my mind... Each day leaving me more and more discouraged. Which brings me to this day. The one I'm in right now. See, I thought I finally had breakthrough this week and managed to create something I loved, but when I revisited it this morning I decided I didn't love it at all. In fact I hated it. What I saw was not what I had pictured. It was so different. Too different. So, once again, I am back at the beginning, determining whether to give up on it or start again.

(( Big sigh.... ))

I'll start again. 

Not because I am remarkably resilient, because I don't actually think I am, but because I am convinced in my heart that this dream is about more than me. Also because my husband is convinced of it too, which means even if I tried to quit he actually, seriously, wouldn't let me. 

I'm thankful for that.

Starting again means facing that yucky impatient part of my heart that really hates the journey. I'd much rather get there than go through this process of finding my way. But I'm learning that the process is necessary. Because it's the process that opens our eyes to things we never would have seen before. 

Being here in Barcelona is helping me to understand how important a journey is, because I really really love to walk. I still hardly know my way around this city but that little detail hasn't stopped me from walking most places. Sometimes I go the right way and end up where I planned, and a lot of times I go the wrong way, still eventually getting where I meant to go, but accidentally discovering a whole new world along the way.

That's how the journeying thing goes. God knows it. So while He could allow us to just get places and do stuff and achieve things. He doesn't. He invites us to join Him in a journey, one that is messily comprised of both successes and let downs, peppered with right ways and wrong ways and a whole array of scenic routes, all ultimately leading us into becoming everything He created us to be.

All that to say, I will keep working on my project today. And as much as I wish I could just finish it and arrive at the end goal, I've committed to changing my perspective on this whole idea of "the journey". My goal won't be to simply get it done. My goal will be open eyes and open ears and an open mind to learn everything I can during this necessary and currently really annoying process.

I believe that one day I'll fulfill the dream on my heart. But even when I do I know this journey won't be over. It never is. There's always a new dream to pursue, with new wrong turns to take and new wonders to encounter along the way.

I don't know what kind of annoying journey you might be on today, but as a fellow traveler my humble advice it this: Go ahead and embrace the delays. Bathroom breaks are healthy. Pumping gas is necessary. And unexpected scenic routes actually end up being a pretty good time. 

God bless you friends. 

trusting beyond chapter 2.

Ever since I learned to read I have loved to do it. I was the first one in my first grade class to read an entire chapter book and get my name on the wall. Remember that girl? Yep, it was me. Before I tried out for the volleyball team in 7th grade I went to the Colorado Springs library and checked out a book on volleyball. That's where I learned that the term, "shag your balls" wasn't actually sexual and didn't have anything to do with Austin Powers. When I was going to audition for Kathryn Grant's Dance Company at 15 years old, I went back to the same library and got a book about dance. Since it helped so much with my middle school and high school volleyball career, I was certain it would help with dance too. I ended up making the dance company before I finished reading chapter one, which was convenient because it started going into the history of ballet and I'm sorry to the historians and ballerinas... but it was completely boring. When I was 19 and wanted to learn about Jesus, I read books about Him. When I wanted to learn about marriage and leadership, more books. Today my preferred reading materials have expanded to include both books and blogs and I read more now than ever. I read for fun and I read for the sake of learning new things. I love it.

I am a particular kind of reader. I'm what you call a "read-the-last-chapter-of-the-book-if-it-gets-too-intense-to-make-sure-I-can-handle-this-part-of-the-book" type of girl. Did you get that? It goes like this, if I am on chapter 2 and the story is getting all twisty and my emotions are getting all twisty with it, I skip ahead to the end and read the last chapter, then if I like what I find back there, I return to twisty chapter 2, but if I don't like it, I set the book down and go look for another. Horrible right? A little bit. But it's my favorite way to do it. I think its because I am a deep feeler so the words on the page quickly become my reality, and if I am going to give myself over to experiencing something really intense, I need to know it will be worth it in the end.

There is something interesting I observed about myself recently though. I've found that its easier to not jump ahead to the end of the book if I trust the author. Take Shauna Niequist for instance. I think she is so great. Everything I have read of hers has blessed me like crazy. So now I am at a point where I am not even tempted to rush to the end of her stories because I am confident that she will not leave me hanging as a reader. If she introduces me to sadness or those twisty feeling I told you about, I know very soon she will also lead me to a place of hope, because that's what she always does and I like it very much.

Anyway I've noticed that my reading style is not so different from my lifestyle. I am extra good at enduring tough stuff when I can see the ending and understand why it will be worth it, but I'm prone to giving up if I can't see a promise of hope in what I'm going through. When I face something hard, all I want is to read the last chapter and know if the struggle I'm experiencing will lead to something redemptive and beautiful. The problem with life though is that most of the time the end of the story feels beyond reach, and when that happens I end up wanting to just close the book and start another, different, better story altogether.

I know that our favorite stories always involve struggle. The struggle makes the celebration at the end all the more exciting. We find ourselves rejoicing tearfully as the couple finally gets to be together, or the underdog finally wins the game, or the bad guy finally gets the justice he deserves. We endure those twisty feelings of chapter 2 when we believe that the ending will be a good one.

As I find myself walking through my own struggles without access to the last chapter of my story, I begin to consider my Author. Do I trust Him?  Enough to endure this? Because if I don't trust Him then my only alternative is to attempt to take his job, I move from being a character in the story to acting as the author of it. "My life, my story." Right? This mentality works for a little while until life inevitably reminds me that control is an illusion and at the end of the day I don't have the power to decide if my health will remain or my loved ones will live or even if the economy will be on my side. And if an "author" can't even control the variables in her own story, then she is not a very good author anyway. Which brings me back to determining whether or not I believe that the Author of my story is trustworthy.

The way I learned to trust Shauna Niequist was by reading her work. So naturally if I am going to decide if I trust my own Author, I am going to need to get familiar with His work.

His work. Genesis. The woman who endured decades of infertility finally had a baby. She was over 90 years old. The brother who was wrongly sold into slavery and unfairly spent years in prison, was eventually set free and made the leader of a nation. Exodus. Slaves miraculously set free from slavery. Their enemies defeated. Psalms. The pure-hearted man who is being attacked by a crazy, jealous, insecure leader finds peace, protection and promise. Isaiah. The people who disobey their Maker over and over and over again, are offered forgiveness and a new beginning. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. New beginnings. Always, always new beginnings. The dead girl miraculously restored to life. The slutty girl, given respect and dignity. The sick woman healed. The hopeless woman prone to hiding is given purpose and brings life to her community. Acts. Sick people healed. Dead people raised. Ephesians. Identity. Broken people restored. Poor people experience the riches of a meaningful life. Rich people experience the joy of generosity. Revelation. Every tear wiped away. No more sickness. No more heartache. New beginnings. Again.

All of that and I didn't even mention the part about sending His Son as Savior of the world.

His work invites me to trust. When I am tempted to close the book and start again, or when I wonder whether there is even really an Author at all, I remember His work and I choose trust. I choose to trust that nothing is wasted. I choose to trust that new beginnings are everywhere. I trust redemption is coming. I trust that struggle and heartache are opportunities for glory. My Author writes meaning into the mundane and purpose into the chaos and I trust Him. My Author writes peace into storms and life into barren places and I trust Him.

When I am tempted to give up and start again I remind my soul, or perhaps the Author reminds my soul, "Stay with it Jess. The page will turn. The twisty feelings in chapter 2 will be worth it. Trust."

Our Author promises hope. Always hope.

So we keep on keepin' on and believe together for an ending that will make the middle worthwhile.

In the words of everybody's favorite fish,
"Just keep swimming."

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

(Photos by Sarah Grunder Photography.) 

Flower child.

Children dream.

Big dreams.
Silly dreams.
Lots and lots and lots of dreams.

Safely in the love of their parents... They have courage to do just about anything.

We could use some more dreaming ourselves I think.

Safely in the love of our Maker... We can have courage to take on the world.

So let's dream.

Big dreams.
Silly dreams.
Lots and lots and lots of dreams.

(Lily looks like a little flower child. Her mama made my old shirt into a dress for her. I love it.)

Dreamer.

 

I'm sitting in Pichilemu, Chile. It's beautiful. We are on a YWAM base near the ocean and we are loving it. Hmm.. I think I smell bad.. or the boy at the computer next to me does... but actually I'm pretty confident its me, because my clothes are pretty dirty. But that's okay. I love it here. Also my Spanish is improving, I can understand quite a lot and everyday I'm learning new things. 

On Monday morning I woke up at 4am and I couldn't move my head. I'm not exaggerating, I literally couldn't move at all, I could not even get out of bed. After 10 minutes of trying I eventually started crying and called for Shaun. He helped lift me out of bed. After 2 rounds of free acupuncture, a few massages, and lots of rest, 4 days later I am still really achy and stiff, but I'm doing A LOT better. 

This morning though I was feeling a bit discouraged because I have not been able to do a lot to help minister here in Chile. Everyone else on the team is working like crazy and I am just slowly trying to get healthy in my neck, shoulders, and arms. I was feeling bummed that I couldn't do more to bless the team and the Chileans.  It was almost a feeling of failure, that I am failing at what I came here to do.

But God is so great. In praying to Him about my yucky feelings I felt Him remind me that He does not think I am failing. He has a greater purpose to work out in me, and He is fully able to do that in my moment of weakness. He is so faithful.

One of the things that I feel Him doing in me is stirring up dreams. I have been praying for vision for a long time and I finally feel like He is going to show me something. A lot of that has to do with the leadership of this campus here in Chile. They are crazy, amazing, and totally outrageous. They make no sense at all. 

Let me give you an example.. Mitch, the base director from America, has lived here in Chile with his family for over 20 years. They literally built this entire campus from nothing. At one point Mitch felt from God that He should build a swimming pool. This would be an awesome idea... except Mitch knows nothing about pools. But he felt a dream from God so he moved towards it... he grabbed a shovel and started digging a hole. He kept digging and digging. Eventually, he and his staff began filling the hole with cement. By hand they laid bags of cement... Today Mitch's Olympic size swimming pool in the nicest in the Chile and annually hosts Chile's largest swimming competition. This all happened because a man had a dream and began to dig. Confident in God, even when it made no sense. 

Early this week Mitch asked that our team pull weeds in a huge forest of a field, because he had a dream to have a big nice soccer field for kids to come play on. Yesterday he said in our morning meeting, "imagine how great it would be to have a few hundred kids here to play soccer?".. we all sat imagining.. then he said.. "I'd love to see that happen by today at 1:00pm. So let's flatten the ground, set up the goal posts, put a fence around it.. and get it painted and ready to go." Haha he is hilarious. He dreams and he follows through. 

We didn't finish the field yesterday by 1.. we are still working on it today.. but we are getting really close. It should be ready to play by Saturday. The funny thing today though was that Mitch decided he wanted it to not only be a soccer field but he wanted us to put in posts for a volleyball net, and also make it possible for the kids to play basketball if they want. Over the last 4 days his dream expanded and now he wants to host games for the youth to get involved in. The awesome thing is that we are actually making this stuff happen.. its not just in our heads. 

We are trusting God, working hard, and watching His dreams become reality. That is the way it is meant to be. We are meant to dream with God and do with God. Both. Both dreaming and doing point to Jesus. 

In Him we can do all that He calls us to do. Without dreaming and doing, we will be missing out on what we were made for. We will be missing a major part of His plan.