some free relationship advice.

Last week was fashion week LA so my days were full and my "Writing Day Friday" was postponed. However in light of some recent conversations I have been having with some wonderful friends I want to share some free relationship advice. My advice is short and less than profound, but it's important and so I think it is worth sharing.

Be the type of person you want to date. 

Seems obvious right? If we want a person who is faithful then we ought to stop being the type of lady who flirts with everything that breathes, because a faithful man is looking for a faithful lady too. If we want a person who prioritizes family and has good morals then it's very likely he isn't the drunk guy hanging out at the club, which means we can go ahead and stop being the tipsy girl at the club, because "family & good morals guy" is looking for "family & good morals girl" and he knows she isn't the girl twerking in the club.

I am not encouraging us to base our lifestyles around looking for a significant other. Not even a little. But I am saying that singleness gives us an opportunity to become the very best versions of ourselves. We can take the time to develop our gifts, look for opportunities to serve others and pursue God like crazy. We can take risks that require great faith and we can jog and write letters and go to school. We can tell great stories and make gorgeous dinners for no reason and invite too many friends over for a girly movie and Thai food. We can do all kinds of wonderfully satisfying things that don't involve a special someone at all as we are being intentional about becoming the type of person we would want to date.

Anyway I'll finish with this... the idea of being the type of person you want to date doesn't stop at marriage. As a wife for over five years now, I am still trying to be the type of spouse that I would want to have. I want to have a husband who listens to me, prays for me, helps me fulfill the vision God has given me, reminds me of truth when my mind is bombarded with chaos, helps me with mundane life stuff, makes me laugh, and affirms me regularly... so instead of sitting around waiting for Shaun to do this to me... I do it for him first... because I still want to be the type of person I would want to date.

So that's my free advice on this Thursday. I hope it blesses you.

"Writing Day Friday" will commence tomorrow. I can't wait!

Is My Question Answered?

Men. Thousands of them. From all of the world. Rich men. Attractive men. European men that could be on the covers of magazines, if their successful business careers ever left them lacking in finances. 

Then there was me, dressed in black slacks and a somewhat-frumpy-looking red dress shirt that the hiring agency required us to wear. My job was to stand alongside my fellow YWAM friends and greet these great looking gentlemen and point them towards their meal. I did this for hours, for two days, breakfast and lunch, interacting with around 5,000 people.. mostly men. It got quite entertaining for my friends and I to greet the people according to their native language, switching things up from Germany's "Guten Morgen" and France's "Bonjour", to Japan's "Konichiwa"and India's "Namasday".  I also prided myself in the fake British accent I used, feeling extra confident when U.K. natives expected me to treat them as special because "we were both from the same country". 


Aside from all of the fun I was having practicing the different languages, I also experienced a deep battle within me that was undeniable. I felt myself wondering what these men thought of me. Do they think I'm beautiful? Would men of this status find me interesting and desirable? When a few of them acted flirtatious or looked at me with that look I wrestled with feeling bad for enjoying it, and yet also hoping that they would continue to recognize that even though I was hidden in my unflattering outfit, I was still an attractive young woman. All the while I was missing Shaun, because he had been in Asia for just over 20 days at this point, and I think loneliness was helping to fuel my issues with lust and insecurity. 


As I sought God for help, longing for Him to free me from myself, longing to be a faithful wife to Shaun and a faithful daughter of Christ, longing for purity... I felt Him teach me a lesson that I am still seeking to understand. The process went something like this, I will type "the voice of God" but know that it is what I felt Him showing me in my mind and at the time it did not happen as concisely as I will type it:


"Jessica, I can answer your questions. If you do not come to me for the answers you are looking for, you will always be more focused on finding the answers yourself and never move ahead into the purposes I have for your life."


"God, what answers are you talking about?"


"Well Jess, when you go about your day, and are looking to these men, and are focused on your appearance, what is it that you are wondering?"


"I wonder if I am beautiful. I wonder if I am desirable. I wonder if I am smart enough, if I dress well enough, if I am funny enough, if my personality is good enough, or if it is too much. I wonder if one day I will look back and find out that I wasted my life, or that I made too many mistakes, and if only I had just done something differently back when I was in my twenties, then everything would be different. I wonder if I am successful or if I am doing a good job at my life... 
I have lots of questions."


"Yes you do, I know them all very well. I have the answers for you, and I will be faithful to continue showing you the truth about yourself. But if you do not trust in My answers you will continue to allow men to have the power over you that only I am designed to have. If you do not allow Me to answer your questions then every man and every mirror and every situation becomes too powerful. You surrender your life to them and you believe the opinion you perceive them to have over you. Each man that you greet becomes the one who gives you your answer. If they flirt with you then temporarily you have an answer. But if they look past you, then it leaves you wondering again. I am your Creator, your Lover, your Friend, your Husband, your Father, your Lord, your Counselor, and the One that will lead you through life. Trust me to show you the truth about yourself and allow me to fill you. If you can rest in what I have to say about you then you will have the strength to move forward and share my love and life with others. You were made to shine, but when you spend your time lusting for the world, you are hiding your light. Trust in my answers and experience the freedom to be who you were made to be. "


I hope this conversation makes sense. Basically what I am learning is that we have so many questions about ourselves and our lives, and it is tempting to look to the world to get our answers. But only God has the Answer that will truly set us free. We need Jesus and He will give us the grace to trust what He has to say about us. It is not simply a fluffy way for insecure people to feel strong, it is the truth from the Creator of the Universe and no person will truly live free apart from the power of Christ. 

Do Not Love This World- 1 John 2:

 ¹⁵ Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. ¹⁶ For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. ¹⁷ And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.

Men and God. Some truth about both.

He's an attractive and cocky high school kid, he secretly watches porn on his laptop each night, and hopes to get a college scholarship for football. His fear and insecurity are masked behind his arrogance.

He is good looking, strong, works out daily, more funny than most, and the most disciplined, hardest working man around. He was sexually abused when he was young and, rightly so, he still struggles with feeling like a man. No one knows the pain he feels, his humor and impossible work ethic serve as the perfect cover. 

He was in love with her. He hoped she was the one, but she wasn't. Their last encounter was miserable, her words cut him to the core. Underneath his smile he is aching from the lack of closure, and yet he fears speaking with her because he doesn't want to let his anger get out of control. 

He loves some good weed, vodka is his drink of choice, and he tries to steer clear of tequila because it makes him rage. At parties he is usually the most fun, hilarious, crazy, and seems not to care that he makes a fool of himself most nights. His mom is gone, his dad is disconnected, and if he ever had the courage not to numb it all, the pain might just kill him. Its too much. 

My heart has been broken for guys. Young. Old. Christian. Non. 

Just a few years ago I had allowed them to be my "God". Whether they wanted me, or rejected me, that was how I determined my value. I'd be lying if I said I don't still struggle with that from time to time. Actually I have always feared guys a bit. I thought they must not want to hear what I have to say, because girls are too much for them. We talk too much and feel too much and need too much. I also thought that the only way to relate was to flirt, and offer myself in some sexual fashion. I couldn't understand that they actually have feelings too. I had seen glimpses of their true hearts, but then it seemed that I was always being hurt, or rejected, or something stupid. It was probably because I was looking to them to get something they couldn't give me, and maybe they were looking to me for the same. 

Through some deep friendships with some incredible men recently my whole perspective has been rocked. I hope that I have the grace to communicate what I've learned and I hope that God uses it to help you. It has changed me. 

There is so much pressure on them. To provide, to be strong, to get through, to "not be a dumbass" (a quote from a friend's dad). Like us girls, they have their own array of hurts and insecurities. They hope to be wanted and accepted. They hope to be enough for us. If they appear proud it is usually due to some deeply rooted fear. One of my friends who apologized for this pride earlier last week admitted that when he was young he was taunted for being "fat" so as a cover he worked out and acted conceited so no one could get close to him. 

They are visual, God made them that way, so pornography, low cut tops, short skirts, and skimpy bikinis can cause even the most Godly of men to stumble. They were created to be comforted and encouraged by sex, but God's design is that it happens within their marriage. But with sex everywhere it is difficult for them to navigate through life without falling prey to watching pornography. The best way to overcome is for them to be accountable to other people, to have a group of men that they talk to and keep each other on track with purity. We can help them too.. by dressing in a way that honors them and us. We don't have to wear a denim dress and turtleneck, but we can steer clear of skimpy, sheer, tight, and revealing clothes. 

Work can be a release for them. Thats good, but it is not supposed to be their whole life. If they are working too much it is possible that they are trying to not to face a hurt that they have inside. Pray for them. Encourage rest. 

They need us, like we need them. They need us to not view them as gods, and they need us not to view them as enemies. They are neither. They are valuable and precious and their lives matter. If we only ever see them as "options" or a potential date, we will miss out on them all together.  In fact I think that is actually our own selfishness, wanting to claim something good as our own, rather than praising God for another awesome creation. 

Men.. you are amazing. AMAZING. You work so hard. You have been hurt so badly. You've been taken advantage of, forgotten, rejected. You have lost someone you loved. You have struggled with things that you fear, if anyone knew, they would never want to see you again. You are not your job. You are not your car, your clothes, your sport. You are not your money. You're value doesn't change if you get more women. You are not your size. You are exactly enough. You are better than the way you are living. You are not alone. You are a great listener and have way more to offer than you know. You can stay pure. You can stop drinking. You can rest. Smoking will not fix it. No amount of stuff will numb the emptiness you feel. A bigger truck or a newer car will not take this away. Only the love of a perfect God can make you whole. I'm sorry for ever taking you for granted. For treating you like a god, or for treating you like an enemy. That was not fair of me, or any of us girls. No matter where you are at or what you have done you have Creator that is ready to free you and make something amazing of your life. You can trust Him. He is amazing. You are amazing. Know that today. 

Psalm 144:1-3, 15

¹ Praise be to the LORD my Rock,
   who trains my hands for war,
   my fingers for battle.
² He is my loving God and my fortress,
   my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield, in whom I take refuge,
   who subdues peoples under me.

 ³ LORD, what are men that you care for them,
   mere mortals that you think of them?
¹⁵ Blessed is the people of whom this is true;
   blessed is the people whose God is the LORD.