Thursday, March 19, 2015

when i hate the journey.

I just want to get there. I don't want to be delayed. I don't want to stop for gas, in fact I actually hate pumping gas, and I just really want to go. If I have have to pee, which I probably will because I'm six months pregnant, I'll hold it. I don't have time for bathroom stops. Quite frankly I don't have time for wrong turns either. I only have time to go the right way, to do the right thing, and to make the right choices. So please let's just get on with it.

Oh... if only life allowed for people like me to have our way. But no. 
This week is reminding me that it doesn't.

Over the course of the last few weeks I have been working on a project that I had been dreaming of doing for a very long time. The initial idea of the project was fun and in the beginning, hopeful. I had shared the idea with some specific encouraging friends and their enthusiasm made the prospect of doing it all the more exciting. Eventually after much praying and brainstorming, I was able to round up the tools I needed in order to make the dream happen. My plan was that when I arrived here to Spain I would begin the long-awaited work of turning my idea something tangible. 
The idea couldn't stay in my head anymore, it was time to take shape.

But it's been exactly that shape-taking process that is currently sending me for a loop.

 I have made several attempts at getting this thing underway. My first efforts were exciting but ultimately didn't work for various reasons. In faith, I tried not to be bothered by the delays. My second full day of working on it proved to be less effective than the first, with literally everything I had planned to do falling through. This time it was harder to ignore the delays. 

 I tried again and after more hours of failed attempts, I still had nothing to show for any of it. 
My great idea was still just a great idea.

Days went by and I continued to direct my energy towards this once sparkly dream in my mind... Each day leaving me more and more discouraged. Which brings me to this day. The one I'm in right now. See, I thought I finally had breakthrough this week and managed to create something I loved, but when I revisited it this morning I decided I didn't love it at all. In fact I hated it. What I saw was not what I had pictured. It was so different. Too different. 
So, once again, I am back at the beginning, determining whether to give up on it or start again.

(( Big sigh.... ))

I'll start again. 

Not because I am remarkably resilient, because I don't actually think I am, but because I am convinced in my heart that this dream is about more than me. Also because my husband is convinced of it too, which means even if I tried to quit he actually, seriously, wouldn't let me. 
I'm thankful for that.

Starting again means facing that yucky impatient part of my heart that really hates the journey. I'd much rather get there than go through this process of finding my way. But I'm learning that the process is necessary. Because it's the process that opens our eyes to things we never would have seen before. 

Being here in Barcelona is helping me to understand how important a journey is, because I really really love to walk. I still hardly know my way around this city but that little detail hasn't stopped me from walking most places. Sometimes I go the right way and end up where I planned, and a lot of times I go the wrong way, still eventually getting where I meant to go, but accidentally discovering a whole new world along the way.

That's how the journeying thing goes. God knows it. So while He could allow us to just get places and do stuff and achieve things. He doesn't. He invites us to join Him in a journey, one that is messily comprised of both successes and let downs, peppered with right ways and wrong ways and a whole array of scenic routes, all ultimately leading us into becoming everything He created us to be.

All that to say, I will keep working on my project today. And as much as I wish I could just finish it and arrive at the end goal, I've committed to changing my perspective on this whole idea of "the journey". My goal won't be to simply get it done. My goal will be open eyes and open ears and an open mind to learn everything I can during this necessary and currently really annoying process.

I believe that one day I'll fulfill the dream on my heart. But even when I do I know this journey won't be over. It never is. There's always a new dream to pursue, with new wrong turns to take and new wonders to encounter along the way.

I don't know what kind of annoying journey you might be on today, but as a fellow traveler my humble advice it this: Go ahead and embrace the delays. Bathroom breaks are healthy. Pumping gas is necessary. And unexpected scenic routes actually end up being a pretty good time. 

God bless you friends. 

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1 comment:

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on delays in journeys. I came across your blog today, right as I have been feeling particularly discouraged about my own journey to teach abroad. For the past year since graduating college, I have been dealing with a chronic illness that has delayed my goals and dreams.
I've been finding it hard to feel particularly joyful this Easter, but God always has a way of winking at us, at just the right time. Today, that was me reading this encouraging post. Thank you.
Praying for you and your project!