a snow-globe & eternity. What matters in this life?

I feel like a snow-globe. My mind feels like a snow-globe that is being shaken and shaken and you don't really know what the clear picture is going to be because all you see are sparkles and little chunks of things swirling all around. It's not my favorite feeling. I am ready for the chunks and sparkles to settle a bit so I can see what is going on. I'd like to see a clear picture and understand why the heck all this shaking is happening. The swirly sparkles are nice... all sparkles are nice... but its the chunks of things blocking my vision that have really become a bother.

Nothing sustains me. It's hopeless. Not money, nor marriage, not looking great, or laughing, or dressing like a princess, or drinking a lattte. Sex doesn't. Smoking weed didn't. Drinking too much didn't. Shopping doesn't. Reading doesn't. Eating doesn't. Bulimia didn't, dancing doesn't, volleyball didn't. Best friends can't. Sisters can't. Traveling doesn't. Modeling doesn't. Ministry definitely doesn't. California doesn't. Barcelona doesn't. London, Thailand, Korea, Colorado, Mexico, Hawaii, Michigan, India... none of them do. Being thin doesn't. Being tan doesn't. Having white teeth and a great haircut doesn't. Nothing on earth sustains me.


Its terrible, hopeless and completely stressful. Where are we supposed to go to be sustained? When I was a little girl, basically up until I started going to middle school, everyday when I woke up I wouldn't get out of bed until I thought of something to be excited for. At the time I had pretty low standards- so just the fact that recess was coming again and I could play football with the boys was enough of a hope to get out of bed happy. But as I have gotten older I have realized that though there are plenty of things to adore about life on earth, there is really nothing that will sustain me, nothing that I can put my hope in.


So then what do I do? Keep seeking things that will feel nice for a bit to numb the deep longing in me to have hope and feel fully alive? I could, it's what most people do. The problem with that is that it points to the idea that life on earth is all that matters, its all we have.. when we die.. we are just done. Well, I don't believe it. I believe in eternity. I believe that when I take my last breath on this planet, I will then immediately inhale my first perfect breath of the crisp, sweet, wonderful air of heaven. (I'm imagining the gorgeous mountain air of Colorado, and assuming heaven can't get much better than that.) If heaven is for real, and eternity really means forever, then that means the life I live after I leave the earth is going to be so much longer and more important than the one I'm currently living.. its hard to fathom.


It's kind of like high school. When you are in high school it feels all consuming. It feels like all that matters in life is what happens during those 4 years. Like being great at sports, popularity, grades, parties, boyfriends, hot girls, clothes, gossip, and DECA (haha I don't know why I put that in there but I just loved DECA). While being a high school student it is difficult to see beyond graduation, you just kind of live everyday trying to make the most of living in the high school world. I remember feeling annoyed when people older than me would encourage me during those years by saying, "none of this stuff matters, high school will end and all of the stuff you are going through will be nothing".  I hated it, because I really didn't believe that life could mean more than striving to be the best, most beautiful, high school girl that I could be. I mean, I hoped life would mean more than that, but when everything around you points toward one thing, it is difficult to believe something else. But then sure enough I graduated and almost immediately it became a joke to hear someone talk about being Prom Queen. The striving of high school ended and a whole new world began. It was quick and slightly shocking, with very little time to recover before moving into adulthood. But ultimately it was true, even though high school felt all consuming, the reality was that it didn't really matter, and that very little of what felt important then, was actually important in the grand scheme of life. 


Our lives on earth are like that. There are lots of things that consume our minds and feel incredibly important now, but when we arrive at the end of our lives we will look back and realize that most of it really didn't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. So then what does matter now? Wouldn't it be great if we could just ask someone who has experienced eternal life so they could tell us what matters now?


Actually we can. Jesus has experienced eternal life and He shared some of His heavenly insight with us on His sermon on the mount. In listening to Him we get a pretty clear picture of what will matter when we arrive at eternity.



What will matter at the end of our lives? Here are some insights Jesus shared with us during his sermon on the mount. You can read his full message in Matthew chapters 5-7. 


revenge won't matter: If you are sued in court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. ⁴¹ If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. ⁴² Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow.

having enemies won't matter:  ⁴³ “You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. ⁴⁴ But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! 

giving will matter:⁴ Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you.

possessions won't matter: ¹⁹ “Don’t store up treasures here on earth.. ²⁰ Store your treasures in heaven..²¹ Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

food & clothes won't matter:  ²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?

worrying won't matter: ³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

praying will matter: ⁷ “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

trusting what Jesus said will matter: ²⁴ “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. ²⁵ Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. ²⁶ But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. ²⁷When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

What I gather from all of these insights is that though my mind feels like a shaken up snow-globe of thoughts and emotions, I can find my sustenance in the truth of God's Word. Jesus came to save me from sin, but He also comes daily to save me from myself and lead me into all truth. He is the Savior. He is also the Prince of Peace. In Him we find true joy that sustains and strengthens us. When we are shaken and we can't see clearly, His presence calms the storms in our minds and reminds us to pursue the truth. We are not living for today. We are living for eternity. There is no sense in stressing over the temporary when we can be faithfully preparing for the eternal. Life here on earth is short, life with Christ lasts forever. 

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here   a little while, then it's gone." James 4:14

Seeing through His eyes

I don't do it. But I try. Desperately. I want to do everything I can to see myself, my life, God, and you through the eyes of Christ. It is vital to see as He does if I am going to live the life that He created me for.

I have had some serious vision problems in my life. I don't mean physically, though I am pretty much blind with out my contacts or my glasses, which I only wear at night. Actually since we are going there, I also wear a retainer at night.. my nerdiness has gotten more discreet as I have gotten older. When I was younger it was no secret that I was on the nerdy end of things.. pretty sure the glasses, braces, and nightly head-gear left no room to wonder. My beauty was inside, deep, deep, deep inside, not even remotely close to the outside. Oh what a tangent I'm on..

Anyway, back to my vision problems, I mean I have had serious issues when it comes to the way I see myself and the world around me. Obviously, when I tell you that I often flirted with the idea of suicide and spent excessive amounts of time harming myself through both cutting and bulimia, it is evident I didn't see things clearly. My interactions with boys also confirmed my skewed vision, I devalued my body, and quietly looked to guys to show me if I was worthy, because inside I didn't feel it. Family issues added to it, and broken friendships confirmed the lies I believed all the more, until I was walking around with a perception of life that was so ridiculously far from the truth, it is a wonder I made it as long as I did.

So how did I go from being that girl to this one? (Though you must know, I am still trying to figure out who exactly 'this one' is. But I do know that I like 'this one' a lot more than I liked 'that one'.) It took death. I had to put that old Jessica to death and be raised again in Christ, because only in Him was I going to be able to see things His way. 

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

What I came to find out in my pursuit of God was that He actually really liked me. So much. He is kind of crazy about me actually. Think about it.. if I told you I was in love with someone who had just been given the death penalty, but I loved them so madly that I was going to take on the death penalty myself, so that they could be free. You would tell me I was out of my mind. I know! I totally agree with you! But that's what our God did for us. He thought we meant more than His life.

So if the Creator of the Universe fancies me. I must be something worth looking twice at. I must be worth more than I thought. Exactly. You are too. 

You are magnificent. A work of art. A masterpiece. You may doubt your worth, but He doesn't. You may doubt your abilities, but He doesn't. You may worry, and be afraid, and stress and be anxious. You may feel hopeless, confused, and broken. He knows. He is ready to heal you and give you new eyes. He wants to restore your perspective so that you are not shaken by the things of this world. In Christ alone you can have security and freedom.

If we don't see ourselves through the eyes of Truth, there is a good chance we will miss out on what we were created for. Doubt, fear, insecurity & unbelief will rob us of the dreams that Heaven has for us and this world will be left yearning for the Light within us that we never realized we had.

"In the same way, let your light so shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Having Vision&& Making the Most of Where We Are

We all do it. The more I open up with people about it, the more I hear "That is so normal." What am I talking about? I am talking about the feeling that happens inside us when we wonder if we are where we are supposed to be. It's the painful questions that rise in our minds when we think of all of the things we have turned down in order to be where we are today... The guy or girl we didn't date. Or the one we didn't stay with. The career we didn't pursue. The passion we didn't follow. The school we didn't go to. The diet we didn't finish. The place we didn't move to. 


Life is full of choices, and when we say "yes" to one thing, we are essentially saying "no" to the other options. One of my biggest fears in my life is that one day when I am like 40 perhaps, then I  will look back at my life and see all of the things I should have done, but didn't. Sometimes I hear adults do it- you ask them what they wanted to do when they were young and they say something like, "Oh I so badly wanted to be an artist, or an athlete, but now I am just a teacher." Notice the emphasis is not on what they wanted, nor what they have become, it is on the "just a", I never want to be a "just a". No matter where I go in life I want to be excited about where I am at, and the decisions I have made. But that temptation to feel like I'm "just" something, is overwhelming. 


I've been praying about this the last few days, because my own questions are making my stomach sick and I'm desperate for answers. True answers. God's answers. My own answers are unreliable, and the world's answers are unimpressive. The world says if you are unhappy in your marriage then divorce; if you don't like life now then leave it and start new; if you don't like your job then step on people and do everything you can to move ahead. I'm not down with that. I have seen and been a part of too many broken situations to believe that those are the best pieces of advice I can find. So then what is God's design? What does He have to say when I am crying alone wondering if I have made the right choices, or if I somewhere in the last few years I went wrong and I am missing out on something? 


God's answer for me was Joseph. The Joseph of Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Joseph is my favorite, I am constantly looking to him to show me how to live. This guy knows how to do things. He is young, good looking, and well-built. His dad favors him, his brothers hate him, and God speaks to him. Joe's brothers end up selling him to be a slave and then they deceive their father into thinking that Joe was killed by a wild animal. Joe is purchased by an Egyptian officer, and he serves the guy faithfully. In fact our man Joey does such an amazing job that he is put in charge of everything the officer owns. Then the officer's scandalous wife notices how much of a babe Joe is, so she tries to sleep with him. Honestly you would think JoeJoe would give in to the temptation, this woman is probably beautiful, and obviously Joe is not getting sex from anywhere else. But out of his love for God and his respect for the officer, he literally runs away from the woman. She is not thrilled about that,  and she is probably embarrassed, so she frames Joseph and claims that he tried to rape her... Joey is thrown into prison. But God was with Joe, and he was promoted to be in charge of all the other prisoners and everything that happens in the prison. Eventually Joe does something supernatural, he correctly interprets the dreams of some of the Pharaoh's main men- this appears to be his ticket out of prison. However he is forgotten about and so therefore, he spends two more years serving God in jail. Eventually though, the Pharaoh needs a dream interpreted and everyone looks to Joey to do the job. After he correctly interprets the dream he is favored so highly that Pharaoh makes him second in command over the entire land of Egypt, only the King has a rank higher than Joseph.


Amazing isn't it? Everything in Joe's life points toward devastation, and yet everything he does prospers. Why is that? My conclusion is that Joe's love for God overwhelms everything else in his life. His desire is to serve God faithfully, no matter where he is, or what the circumstances look like, or how long he will be there. He fully trusts God to take his life where he needs it to be. We see that in chapter 50 verse 20 when Joe is finally reunited with his brothers,


 ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..."



Joe's eyes were set on heaven. He did everything he could to make the most of where he was, in order to bring glory to God. He had vision for his life and he followed it. 


There is my answer, and there is yours too. Vision. Our eyes need to be set on God, trusting in 2 things:


1) God is trustworthy.
2) He is with us.


It is important to know that we can trust Him. We can trust that He is big. He is good. He can speak to us. We will hear Him. His perspective is true. He knows more than we do. His plans are to give us a hope and a future. He loves us and He knows what is best for us. We can trust that He will take care of us and meet our needs. We can trust that His word is true and that life on this planet is not the end of the story. We can trust that if we set our eyes on Him then we will be taken places that we never dreamed possible. 


It is vital to know He is with us. He is here. Now. With me. With you. Protecting us. Leading us. Comforting us. Filling us. Strengthening us. Preparing us. Giving us access to supernatural power. Renewing our minds, transforming our hearts, and making us more like Him. We were created for His delight and in Him we find our identity. Everything else grows dim when we experience the fullness of His presence. 


So then what about my questions? Did I go wrong somewhere? Should I have picked college instead of YWAM? Or someone else instead of Shaun? Should I be dancing instead of writing? Or modeling instead of eating so much? 


²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.


Joseph knows it. I know it. My sister Meredith knows it. Amy Plender & Beka Brigleb know it. Liz Wetherby knows it. Shaun knows it. About 30 skaters down the street know it now too. God is in control. Our lives are surrendered to Christ. We can be still now, serve faithfully, and believe for God's best, no matter what shape it takes on. We need to keep our focus on Him, right where we are, because if we remain distracted we will miss out on the blessing that is right in front of us. 




***********
Some practical application... for those like me who need help knowing how to live out the truth when our minds are racing with lies. 


Think of the people in your life and all of the roles you have to fulfill. 
(I will do myself as your example)


I am a:
-Friend
-Sister
-Wife
-Daughter
-YWAM Missionary
-Assistant to an elderly woman
-serve at Models For Christ
-Create leader
-dancer 


Okay so then you think about the end of your life. The real end. Like when you die, and your name is a memory. Now go through your list of roles and decide how you want these people to remember you. 


Example: -Friend- I want be remembered for being faithful, hopeful, not gossiping, encouraging, prayerful, fun, positive, open, listening well, being patient... etc. 


Now you have a template for how to act, no matter the circumstances. So say I have a friend that is making me crazy and frustrating the heck out of me- I know that no matter how I feel, my actions need to line up with the vision that I have set (the way I want to be remembered at the end of life). 


"Where there is no vision people perish" Proverbs 29:18