when i hate the journey.

I just want to get there. I don't want to be delayed. I don't want to stop for gas, in fact I actually hate pumping gas, and I just really want to go. If I have have to pee, which I probably will because I'm six months pregnant, I'll hold it. I don't have time for bathroom stops. Quite frankly I don't have time for wrong turns either. I only have time to go the right way, to do the right thing, and to make the right choices. So please let's just get on with it.

Oh... if only life allowed for people like me to have our way. But no. 

This week is reminding me that it doesn't.

Over the course of the last few weeks I have been working on a project that I had been dreaming of doing for a very long time. The initial idea of the project was fun and in the beginning, hopeful. I had shared the idea with some specific encouraging friends and their enthusiasm made the prospect of doing it all the more exciting. Eventually after much praying and brainstorming, I was able to round up the tools I needed in order to make the dream happen. My plan was that when I arrived here to Spain I would begin the long-awaited work of turning my idea something tangible. 

The idea couldn't stay in my head anymore, it was time to take shape.

But it's been exactly that shape-taking process that is currently sending me for a loop.

 I have made several attempts at getting this thing underway. My first efforts were exciting but ultimately didn't work for various reasons. In faith, I tried not to be bothered by the delays. My second full day of working on it proved to be less effective than the first, with literally everything I had planned to do falling through. This time it was harder to ignore the delays. 

 I tried again and after more hours of failed attempts, I still had nothing to show for any of it. 

My great idea was still just a great idea.

Days went by and I continued to direct my energy towards this once sparkly dream in my mind... Each day leaving me more and more discouraged. Which brings me to this day. The one I'm in right now. See, I thought I finally had breakthrough this week and managed to create something I loved, but when I revisited it this morning I decided I didn't love it at all. In fact I hated it. What I saw was not what I had pictured. It was so different. Too different. So, once again, I am back at the beginning, determining whether to give up on it or start again.

(( Big sigh.... ))

I'll start again. 

Not because I am remarkably resilient, because I don't actually think I am, but because I am convinced in my heart that this dream is about more than me. Also because my husband is convinced of it too, which means even if I tried to quit he actually, seriously, wouldn't let me. 

I'm thankful for that.

Starting again means facing that yucky impatient part of my heart that really hates the journey. I'd much rather get there than go through this process of finding my way. But I'm learning that the process is necessary. Because it's the process that opens our eyes to things we never would have seen before. 

Being here in Barcelona is helping me to understand how important a journey is, because I really really love to walk. I still hardly know my way around this city but that little detail hasn't stopped me from walking most places. Sometimes I go the right way and end up where I planned, and a lot of times I go the wrong way, still eventually getting where I meant to go, but accidentally discovering a whole new world along the way.

That's how the journeying thing goes. God knows it. So while He could allow us to just get places and do stuff and achieve things. He doesn't. He invites us to join Him in a journey, one that is messily comprised of both successes and let downs, peppered with right ways and wrong ways and a whole array of scenic routes, all ultimately leading us into becoming everything He created us to be.

All that to say, I will keep working on my project today. And as much as I wish I could just finish it and arrive at the end goal, I've committed to changing my perspective on this whole idea of "the journey". My goal won't be to simply get it done. My goal will be open eyes and open ears and an open mind to learn everything I can during this necessary and currently really annoying process.

I believe that one day I'll fulfill the dream on my heart. But even when I do I know this journey won't be over. It never is. There's always a new dream to pursue, with new wrong turns to take and new wonders to encounter along the way.

I don't know what kind of annoying journey you might be on today, but as a fellow traveler my humble advice it this: Go ahead and embrace the delays. Bathroom breaks are healthy. Pumping gas is necessary. And unexpected scenic routes actually end up being a pretty good time. 

God bless you friends. 

Rainy Day Vlog

Hi friends! 

We had high hopes of taking you with us to some favorite places this weekend but the rain changed those plans! Instead we are giving you a tour of our little apartment & an opportunity to share some typical fun with Shaun.. cooking, eating, && learning Spanish. Stay tuned for a new vlog next week as we show you more of our life here in Barcelona. Thanks for tagging along!  

a successful life.

This morning I remembered that I’m not going to live forever. Sounds funny right? But it really did happen like that. I was just getting ready, right in the middle of putting on my handy dandy maternity jeans, and the thought crossed my mind… I don’t know how long I’ll be on this earth. It wasn’t a morbid thought or even a depressing one, it actually felt light and kind of hopeful, as if some heaviness was being lifted off of me that I had’t realized was there.

I think sometimes it’s healthy to think about death. It reminds us that our days are precious. I also think that when we don’t remember it, we start to feel all tied up like knots, focusing mostly on temporary things, and stressing over stuff that in the long run probably isn’t all that stressful.

Reflecting on the shortness of this life on earth reminds me not to waste my time with shallow meaningless living. It reminds me that there’s a whole world of hearty and delicious living out there and I only have a limited amount of time to experience it. It's like a big huge feast. As if there’s an enormous assortment of food and drinks in front me, everything from basic stuff like the peanuts and pretzels they serve on airplanes, to the elaborate stuff like fresh sushi and sweet Spanish wine. Now say I’m given just one hour to enjoy as much or as little of the food that I want... obviously you wouldn't find me wasting my time on the pretzels, I’d be heading straight for the sushi bar with a glass of wine already in hand. Right? Because when I know that time is short, I use it wisely. 

((Also... Can you tell I’m pregnant?
The only two foods I just listed eating are the ones I can’t have for at least 9 months… hmmmm)) 

All I really want to do is live a successful life. Not necessarily successful in the eyes of people, because peoples' opinions are so fickle, but successful in the sight of God. This means that my success is not measured by my accumulation of wealth or my ability to get a rock-hard bod, it’s not about achieving some sort of fame or even about preserving my own personal happiness. I believe that a deliciously successful life, a sushi and red wine type life, is simply a life lived faithfully. Faithful to God. Faithful to the people He has placed in front of us. Faithful to the work He has given us to do. 

Success can look different for all of us, because unlike the type of success that’s determined by dollar amounts or the number of followers on our Instagram feeds, God determines our success based on our faithfulness to the unique calling He has given to each of us. 

For my friend Hillary in Colorado, success means staying committed to her sweet growing family, which currently consists of things like diaper changing and toddler chasing. Success also means being diligent in maintaining her blog, because she knows that God has called her to display His love through her social media. 

Then there's my friend Bobby Bo. Bobby is from Chicago and has a big red beard and lots of tattoos. About 7 years ago he moved to Thailand as a missionary and committed his life to demonstrating the love of Christ to the Thai people. He married an adorable Thai girl and they made an extra adorable little boy named Ezra. Success for Bobby means loving and supporting his wife and son and it also means adopting the Thai culture as his own in order to make a lasting impact there.  

These are two faithful friends living vastly different lives from one another, but both are richly successful. They aren’t wasting their days here on earth, they’re soaking them up, drinking them in, and savoring the yummy goodness God has for each of them.

That’s how I want to be. That’s what I remembered today. 

I remembered that my time on earth is short. 

And I remembered that I am only as successful as I am faithful.