A letter from Karisse Schilling. "Dear 25 Year Old"

Karisse Joy Schilling
April 7, 1979 - May 18, 2016

Karisse was the joy girl. Not the cancer girl.

In September of 2007 I arrived to the Youth With a Mission campus in Los Angeles to attend a 6 month long Discipleship Training School. I was freshly 19 years old, eager to leave Colorado and intrigued by both Jesus and Los Angeles. Honestly I was probably more interested in LA than Jesus but God knew what was good for me and it all somehow landed me at YWAM LA. At the "Welcome Dinner" Karisse was the first person I talked to. Our first conversation was about our love for High School Musical and she won my heart by quoting Zac Efron.

Karisse quickly became a friend and a mentor in my life. She was someone I would go to for advice and encouragement. Even when we were just hanging out and laughing at Disney movies I was learning from her. She was also so positive and hopeful. She never acted like someone who had cancer. She was the joy girl, not the cancer girl. Despite being diagnosed over and over, and going through all kind of treatments from the time she was in her early twenties, cancer never monopolized our thoughts or conversations. We talked about it occasionally, but mostly it was just when she missed her mom and she was telling me about how Jesus had been faithful to take care of her after her mom passed away. Her mom died of cancer just a few weeks after Karisse was first diagnosed, and Karisse began her first cancer treatment the day after her mom's funeral.

Karisse was there when Shaun and I met. She loved Shaun from the start and was encouraging me to get to know him. We would talk about him over lunch dates in Los Angeles, and we even talked about him over a coffee date in Thailand when she came to visit my team in 2008. Karisse was the first person I called when Shaun asked me to be his girlfriend. She literally cheered.

Karisse lived an incredible life with the 37 years she was given. She was a missionary to 27 nations. She worked with IJM in Washington D.C. to help with major injustice issues around the world. She started a Justice ministry in Los Angeles to help see an end to human trafficking. Karisse was a blogger and an author. She even published a coloring book on Amazon for people to use when they are spending time with Jesus, she just wanted people to take time to rest, pray, and color in simple pages of swirls and scriptures. She was always making things more beautiful.

More than any of that though, what stands out to Shaun and I about Karisse was her extravagant love for people. She was a cheerleader of a friend. She spoke life and encouragement into our lives in moments when we really needed it, carving out time for coffee dates with me and sending us long Facebook messages reminding me how much she loves us and how much Jesus loves us and encouraging us to keep being faithful to the things God has called us to.

When I was 24 I decided to do this thing where I wrote friends of mine who were older and wiser, friends I wanted to be like when I grew up, and I asked them to give me advice about being 25. I was nervous about getting older and I thought it would be fun to not only receive their advice but then to post it on my blog so other friends could be blessed by it too.

Last night when I was going through old messages from Karisse I found her letter about turning 25. It is perfect and beautiful. So very Karisse. The odd thing is I never actually posted it on my blog and I have no idea why. Her response must have gotten lost in the midst of the other responses I received. I'm sorry I didn't post it back when Karisse was still here to see it but I am grateful I can share her advice now. I pray it impacts people even more deeply than it would have been then.

Karisse lived a good life. In fact she wrote in her will that she wanted us to wear bright colors and eat ice cream at her memorial because she lived such a good life. So that's what we did yesterday. We ate big bowls of ice cream and celebrated Karisse. Today I ask that you celebrate her again by reading her letter, taking her advice and even sharing it with a friend. It is written to 25 year olds but will speak to anyone.

Thank you so much. And thank you Jesus for Karisse. We are so grateful for her.


"Dear 25 year old, 

I now know some things that I wish I knew when I was 25 and I'd love to share them with you. Mainly I know that I am enough and worthy just the way that I am. I don't have to "do" certain things to have worth and value. The number on the scale does not reflect my value. It doesn't matter how much, or how little I weigh--my worth does not change! The ONLY place that I find true value is in who Jesus says that I am. And He says that I am worthy and beautiful and His princess. That is the value statement. I am enough. Any other message is an observation and does not hold power to destroy that identity.

If I could go back and tell myself something on my 25th birthday, I would tell myself to enjoy each day and find beauty in what it holds. I would remind myself not to panic about being single, but to instead find the good and blessings in every day. Each day holds something beautiful, even if it's the worst day of our life. Find the beauty and hold onto it. Focus on the good, and not the bad. Stop looking at that scale and comparing yourself to others!

A book that I wish had been written when I was 25 is "God Loves Ugly" by Krista Black. Seriously, it has changed my life. My perspective on myself, God and identity everything. If you only read one more book, you need to read this one. Read it slowly and do the homework at the end of each chapter. I "ugly cried" through the last 3 chapters in a good, healing type of way. Seriously, amazon.com right now.  

A movie I think you would love... Well, there are so many! I love a wide variety for various reasons and can quote almost all the ones I've seen! If you haven't seen "While You Were Sleeping" yet, just go ahead and buy it. It's a good time. If you haven't seen "Penelope" yet just buy that one too. The cinematography and design is absolutely stunning and the message is quite lovely too.

I think that we place more importance on our appearance than we should. Seriously, love God and love people. I think that's the basics of life. I think that worrying about my weight, feeling fat and having bad body image has stolen a lot from me. It's stopped me from trying things I otherwise would have and has stolen joy from my life. Let's not hate the art God created in us. Everyone looks different, and that's lovely. Your beauty will come from your eyes, your choices, your words etc. That's what people remember. Now, let's be healthy. Let's put quality food in our body and use those muscles etc---but let's not put so much energy into hating our bodies and comparing ourselves. Don't let that rob you. Love God, love people. I say it again. Everyone is longing for love. Let God fill your heart with his message of worthiness--and know that you are "enough" just as you are. Bring that overflow to the people around you who are drowning and longing to believe that they are enough too. 

Have fun whenever you can, because life is short! 25 feels old, but it's really not! Live your life in a way that allows you to hear what God is saying to you and obey it. Smile, laugh, invest in people. Take a lot of pictures (and print them!). Save some money! Even if it's just $1-$5 a week start saving it in a jar if you have to! Collect all your spare change in a jar because it will add up! Sell a few things and get an "emergency" fund. Always keep $1,000 in savings (as best you can) so that when emergencies happen you don't immediately go into debt. Oh, and don't go into debt! Don't spend more than you have, but don't stress about every coffee you buy either! Every once in a while think about yourself at the age of 50 or 60 and see if you would be glad that this is what you did with your life. 

A fun idea is to do a 25 things before 26 list this year. (and then 26 things before I turn 27. And then 27 things before I turn 28 etc) Make a few big goals and a lot of small ones and cross them off as you do them. You could even take a picture of each thing and keep it in a little album (ex: go to a concert, fly on a plane, learn to crochet, learn a new recipe etc).  Also, put a little money aside each month so that you have some fun money to celebrate your 30th! Get a few friends together and go on a cruise, or a trip or to Disney--and then you have the funds ready.

Life is unpredictable. Control is an illusion. We think we have control of our lives, but we really don't. We don't know what tomorrow holds, so enjoy today. Love those around you today. Choose to invest in your faith and know God more. Choose to trust God when bad things happen. It's ok to be upset, angry, sad etc. be honest with how you feel (God knows anyway). Don't live your life to impress others and for pete's sake, stop comparing yourself to others! What a waste of time and energy! Learn to love the YOU that God gave you. Besides, you'll be all wrinkley in 40 years and you'll look back at this time and wonder why you didn't love the young body that you had! When you feel attacked, mess up, are having a fat day etc, chant to yourself "That's an observation, not a value statement" and remind yourself that you are enough and worthy as you are. Oh, and surround yourself with pretty things and quotes and Bible verses to help you remember that.  Buy yourself flowers sometimes whether or not you have a significant other. (and NOT having a significant other does NOT diminish your worth or say something negative about you!)  Now, go hug someone. Everyone needs a hug.

Also. Wear sunscreen EVERY SINGLE DAY. It protects you from wrinkles. (And cancer!) 

I rambled a lot!!! Love you!  

K" 

TRAVEL DIARY: Jamaica

Family Vlog - We went to Banff, Canada! (Part 2)

Family Vlog - We went to Banff, Canada! (Part 1)

Canada, Eloise is 10 Months, and Living a Connected Life.

I just spent the last two weeks in Canada with my sister Meredith. She and her husband David had a baby girl on March 25th so Eloise and I went to meet her and help Meredie learn to do life with a baby. It's kind of ironic I would be doing that considering just ten months ago it was Meredith by my side teaching ME how to do life with a baby, but life is funny like that and sometimes you just need a sister to remind you of the stuff you already know.

Meredith is an amazing mama. Her daughter, Loewy Elisabeth, is darling and tiny, but somehow her farts are worse than Shaun's. No exaggeration. That little honey can stink up a room. Her poo is so bad I almost gagged on one occasion, and that is saying a lot because I'm surrounded by unshowered skateboarders most days. She is breastfed too... which makes her stink all the more mysterious.

Shaun was in Panama for the first week I was in Canada. He and a team of staff from Calling All Skaters were there doing an outreach with our friend Dave Terranova. They gave Dave's skatepark a facelift and hosted a couple different skate events, investing in the young skaters & sharing the love of Christ with them.

My Dad booked a last minute trip to Canada to see us so he arrived the day before Shaun did. It was perfect. My brother-in-law was able to take a few days off work and we headed to the mountains for a weekend getaway. Banff is a glorious place. It looks like Switzerland, feels like Colorado, and sounds like Australia because almost everyone working there is from "down under."

Lake Louise might be my favorite place I've ever been. It's definitely up there. Right next to Lake Vevey in Switzerland and Manhattan Beach in LA. Manhattan Beach isn't really the same caliber of place as the others but being there does something to my heart that reminds me of heaven. It's just a good place. Lake Louise reminds me of heaven too. I kept joking about feeling high there. Really though, who needs to smoke weed when you can get Rocky Mountain High? Not me. No thanks.

I've been on a writing hiatus. Not by choice. I feel like it just happened to me. Between being a mom, making YouTube videos, serving Beauty Arise, and attempting to writing a book (errr... That process is going soooo slowly that I feel silly even including it in here...) I just haven't know when to write or even what to say. But I don't think it's good for me. So here I am. Jumping back on the blogging bandwagon.

Eloise is 10 months old now. Her hair is long and her big gummy smile finally gained two little pearly whites last week! Her first ones. She pulls up on everything and loves to eat. She also still loves to nurse. If she chose her own diet it would consist of breast milk, French fries, and lots and lots of meat. She loves meat. Chicken. Beef. Pork. She went through a refried beans phase but it was short lived because she got pretty sick one week and after that she didn't want them anymore. She has flown 22 times and been to two nations outside the U.S. In May it will be 3 because we are heading to Jamaica as a fam with our friend Carly.

Life over here has been pretty wonderful but I find that it's still so easy to get caught up in things that don't really matter. I feel distracted often. For some reason distraction is comfortable for me. Instead of engaging with the people and things that matter most I find myself passing time scrolling through my Instagram feed or plugging away at household chores that really could wait till later. Lately I've been longing for connection. Connection with God first. I don't want to talk about Him by reciting old stories & recalling things from years past. I want fresh experiences with Jesus. Fresh connection. And with Eloise. She is growing so fast I don't want to miss it. I don't want to spend my days looking forward to her next nap. I want to connect with her when she is awake. Pray for her. Play with her. And with Shaun. We are both busy people. We are "people people" so we are constantly doing things with others, and even though we are together often I still feel like it's possible for me to miss him too. Like we can be together but still be somewhere else in our heads. Thinking about work stuff or social media stuff. I want to be present with him, pursuing him and pursuing God with him.

When I make videos on YouTube I try to imagine you. The viewer. I don't want to make videos just to feel like I did something. I want to bless you. I want you to be encouraged and strengthened in your life. I want you to be entertained. So instead of pursuing success online I'm trying to pursue connection there too. I want to connect with my content and I want to connect with you through it.

Connection. That's how I'll end this post. Right now, this week, I'm pursuing connection. By disconnecting with fruitless activities and reconnecting with the meaningful. My phone is basically out of commission after 9pm. And I won't be using it in the morning until I've spent some time in the Bible. It doesn't have to be a lot of time. Just some time. I'm trying to be better about using my planner too, that way I am more organized and better at prioritizing.. On that note I am convinced I have the best planner EVER and I seriously think EVERYONE should get one. It is SO cute and encouraging and helpful. It even reminds me to drink more water. Go get one. http://corieclarkshop.com/

So that's all. A hodge podge of thoughts from my heart to yours. And now a hodge podge of photos from our trip because they are too good not to share. I'll be printing them out and adorning my house with them. Follow us on snapchat to see if I really do it. 

"The Shaun Hover Reality Show" -- Snapchat: Shaun Hover 

How We Met - Our Story (a video)

This video was filmed & edited by Becca Prins :) 

She is the very best!

6 Months a Mom. (with Christmas photos)

The night Eloise was born was the night I learned to change a diaper. I had watched a handful of diapers get changed over the course of my life and I probably changed a diaper or two a long time ago when my mom was running a little daycare in our home, but I really learned how to do it from a nurse at Glendale Adventist who kindly walked me through it at midnight on June 25th. She also walked me through it at 2am, 4am and 6am. Because in my nervousness and fatigue I called her for help every single time Eloise needed to be changed, I also called her for help with swaddling Eloise. I don’t know if she had any other patients that night but if she did I should probably apologize to them for hogging all of her attention. She was an angel and I’m grateful we were admitted into the maternity ward during her shift because the nurses after her weren’t nearly as patient with me. 

During the first week of Eloise’s life I learned how to push a stroller. I thought it would come naturally but no, like diaper changing, it is a skill and it required both learning and practicing. My classroom for stroller pushing was Foothill Boulevard and the lobby of the Sunland Starbucks. I would walk up Foothill toward the coffee shop, nervously trying to maneuver around cracks in the sidewalk because I was afraid of jolting the baby, then I would arrive at the door of Starbucks and attempt to open the door with one arm while pushing the stroller through with my other arm and hip. I was sure people would offer to help but I quickly discovered that people don’t assume moms need help, they assume we’ve got it, but unfortunately... I really didn’t have it. I was elated the day I watched another mom walk into Starbucks with her stroller and as usual nobody helped her, but she wasn’t phased, because instead of trying to go through the door front-in she turned around and backed herself and the stroller through the open door. It looked easy, made perfect sense, and I was thrilled because that woman had changed my life. New moms: back your stroller through doors, it is wayyyy easier! Unfortunately even after I learned the art of backing my way through entrances I still struggled with bumping into everyone and their chairs as I approached the cash register, but it seems that laughter and a bit of apologizing is sufficient for those situations. I found it also helps to show any potentially irritated people my baby, because only a Scrooge would stay annoyed at the sight of sweet Eloise.

I had mistakenly assumed that all other moms felt sure of themselves as they toted their babies on their hips while tackling things like grocery shopping, dinner making and posting instagram photos of their perfectly braided hair, but it's simply not true. While I’m sure there are a few moms who feel totally sure of themselves, most moms are not, and I’m one of them. I will say that as Eloise has grown, so has my confidence in parenting. I’ve never I felt like I know what I’m doing but I’ve grown more comfortable with the idea that my best guesses are good enough. Being that babies can’t talk yet our great challenge as moms is to interpret their sounds and squirms and tears, and then take appropriate action to soothe, nurture and distract them into feeling better. That’s no easy feat. It seems that every 3 weeks-ish Eloise is in a new stage of development which gives me about 2 and a half weeks of fumbling around until I finally get a grasp on her current “stage” and begin feeling like a professional mom, lasting about 3 days until Eloise changes again and I’m back in the familiar place of... “Oh crap ... I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Today Eloise is 6 months old. She says “Da-Da” and wiggles around a lot. She loves to stand, is most content around people and is perfectly happy being passed around a room. She still is strictly breast-fed, though last night Shaun and I picked up some jars of baby food to begin the adventure of real food. I’m not looking forward to smelly poop and her potential constipation but she seems very interested in my meals these days so I know that it's time. Her hair is cute, it looks a bit like a comb-over because it grows faster on top than it does everywhere else, but I trimmed it a little and have her in headbands most days so it works out. It has also gotten really light so it's basically a reverse ombre - light at the roots and dark on the ends. She is so hip. She smiles with a big open mouth and attempts to laugh all throughout the day. The best time to play with her is right when she wakes up because she talks and giggles and it's about the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. I have never bought her an outfit because everyone gives her clothes, but I’m most tempted to do it when we are in Baby GAP. Are you kidding me with those clothes? They are way too cute. Several people have said Eloise should be a Baby GAP model, and if that means they would give her a few free outfits I am all in. 

For the last 6 months I have been needy. I have needed sleep and support and friends and prayers. I’ve needed somebody to open the door for me when I’m pushing our stroller and I've needed encouraging text messages reminding me that motherhood gets better. I have needed long hugs, special laundry detergent for sensitive skin, and a dairy-free diet to ease Eloise’s achy tummy. I’ve needed someone to watch the baby while I shower and someone to wash my shower while I watch the baby and I’ve needed things like a stroller, a carseat, and a crib to make life with Eloise possible. I've also needed Shaun more than ever. He has been nothing short of a dream husband, caring for Eloise and I both with an ease that makes it screamingly obvious he was born to be a dad, and while I know the demands of my neediness have been weighty, he has never made me feel guilty for my occasional melt-downs and ongoing insecurity in my new role. He has given me space and grace to come into motherhood in a way that best suits me, without comparing to me to anyone else, and I pray often that Eloise marries a man like her Daddy.
  
My favorite part about today being Eloise’s half birthday is that it is Christmas. It couldn’t be more perfect. Before Jesus came to earth people prophesied about Him saying He would be called Immanuel, meaning God with us. In the depths of my neediness that is exactly what I’ve longed for. My heart has yearned for God to be with me as I’ve taken on each of Eloise’s new stages, hoping His joy would fill me when the tasks of mama-hood feel lackluster, praying extra hard for Him to give me wisdom on the nights when Eloise won’t fall asleep and I can’t figure out why. Every evening before bed I sit in a rocking chair in the corner of Eloise's room and I nurse her. The room is quiet, smelling like lavender, and her warm little fingers pinch the skin on my chest as she drinks. It is in this time that I dream about everything she will grow up to be. Some nights I feel peaceful but many nights I feel afraid. My mind reels about things like terrorism and the always uncertain future, and again my neediness surfaces. I am desperate for God to quiet my anxious heart, and He does, in Immanuel. Christmas serves as a marker in our yearly calendar to remind us that God is not far off, He is near and He is generous. My neediness draws me to God in the same way that Eloise's hunger leads her to my chest and it is good. In love God gave His Son for us, and in love I give my daughter back to Him, raising her to know Him and trusting in Him along the way.

It is fitting that from now on and always I will spend Eloise’s half-birthday celebrating the birth of my Savior, the One who gave me the gift of motherhood and the One who is with me as I learn to walk it out. 

  Thank you Jesus for coming to save us, 

thank you for Eloise Marie and thank you for meeting my needs. 
I love you.

Photos by @sarahgrunderphotography