I could use this post to share adorable photos from my crazy schedule that takes me to some of the most beautiful places in the world. I could use carefully articulated words to blog my life away and show you how meaningful my work is. I could remind my husband to post photos of me on his instagram too, just so you can know how truly, madly and deeply in love with me he is. I could tell you about the masses of people pursuing my attention... and the continually growing number of emails, texts, and facebook messages that I haven't responded to because there are only so many hours in this always sunny day of mine....
Or I could tell you about the messy tears I cried as I drove home from a meeting this week feeling like a total idiot. Yeah. I'd like to go ahead and do that. because I am not awesome. I am normal. Normal is awesome. But I am no more awesome than anybody else.
So about those tears.
Basically there is something I believe in with my whole heart. A dream that I'm sold out to. A vision that I carry with me every minute. I'm all in. I read books and study success stories and seek out wise people to see if I can learn from them. I encourage myself with stories of people like Moses, David, Gideon, Esther and Nehemiah.... all ordinary people who did extraordinary things. I get hyped on the idea that trusting God and moving in obedience to Him can lead to outrageous victories. I do everything I can think of to get better equipped to move forward into the dream I have....
But then I flop. Like I did this week.
After all sorts of preparation I finally got into a position where I could actually walk out some of this stuff I am so fired up about... but when I got there... I immediately got distracted by fear... I felt insecure... I started wondering what people would think of me... I forgot what I intended to say... but I remembered that I am young and inexperienced ... and then eventually my feelings of doubt drowned out my faith... and I flopped.
Which led me to that weepy car ride home afterwards with a horrible lump in my throat and too few words on my lips. I tried extra hard to pray but I couldn't. All I could say... errr... yell.... was...
"This is so dumb!"...
"I feel like an idiot!"...
All of the sudden my head was whirling and I wondered if I was even impacting anyone at all.
What is the point of all of this?
Why am I trying so hard?
Am I even right for this job?
That's when I remembered the word I feel like God spoke over my 2014.
"Unseen."
It's this theme that reminds me to focus more on my heart before God than on how I appear before people. & It's the simple truth that what matters most is NOT what you think of me and my life, but rather what God thinks about it.
This word "unseen" brought gentle conviction. Because I realized that I had allowed my dream to become my identity. I had allowed my reputation to attach itself to my heart... and so a seemingly "failed meeting" equated to a "failed Jessica". This morning as I reflected on the shame and frustration I felt earlier this week (which I can still feel even as I type this) I was reminded of something profoundly freeing:
I am not my dream. I am not my work. I am not the size of my ministry or the number of my followers. I am not my reputation. I am not my success. I am not my failures. I am not my past.
I am dearly loved by God. And my identity is safe with Him.
It's in that safe place that I'm able to dream and risk and fail... and then get back up and try again.
Because at the end of the day its not about me... my life is about Him.
Obedience to Him is success. That's reality.
So yes I could convince you that I'm awesome. And you could convince me that you are awesome too.
But no matter how awesome we look on the outside, we are all just normal broken people.. trying to be brave... attempting to make a difference... and hoping that the joy in our journey will make up for all of our awful weepy car-rides home.
God bless you friends. I believe in you.
You are SO awesome.
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| photo by Sarah Grunder Photography |
3 comments:
I love your blog messages:) I could try to convince you that everything you said and are so concerned about will pass and be better as time goes on…yada, yada, mom stuff like that. But I actually relate to much of what you said, especially distraction of fear that hinders what your intentions were. Been there. I would bet if you keep this blog post for the next 25+ years and read it again at 50 something (like me) you will find you still relate. You have spoken so much truth here and we can all relate regardless of our age, or years of experience following Jesus. This is my struggle just about every day, especially in areas of ministry. Reading this blog reminds me that I am a child of God and my flaws and struggles are ok and safe with Him. The hardest part about that is being a ‘grown up’ with years of raising kids behind me and all that life experience should put me in line with my Heavenly One, right? Wrong! If I remind myself that I am a ‘child’ of God and in that I have the right and expectation in mind to behave as such, I wouldn’t beat myself up so much over the stumbles and defeat. Yes? We’ll see;) Luana
Love this post. i just stumbled upon your blog from instagram #shereadstruth and started reading a couple posts. My sister is doing YWAM Kona right now; and i am thinking about going there in september. Anyways- love how real i found you. Thanks for being honest and encouraging. You are awesome. :)
Both of your comments are an encouragement to me and I'm grateful that I was able to encourage you too! Thank you Luana for reminding me that this is a message I'll need to remember in years to come, no matter what walk of life I am in. And Michaela you will love DTS. Whether it is Kona ... or LA where I am based :) or anywhere else. YWAM has been a blessing in my life my sister's too, I hope it will be one for your family as well! God bless you friend!
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