on slowing down.

On the flight home from New York City last week I decided that Fridays would be my writing days. I love to write and I think it is an important part of what I do so I wanted to create time in my life for it. Before I would set aside just a few hours in a day for writing because I never thought I was allowed to have a whole day. Taking a whole day was like taking an extra helping of dessert when I've already had some, greedy and selfish. But I have changed my mind on it. Partly because I think God led me to do it and partly because I learned recently that we are more effective when we group our tasks by similarity rather than jumping from one thing to the next all throughout the day. The lady at the conference said that it takes your brain something like 7 minutes to shift from one task to the next, so you end up losing time trying to multitask. She suggested planning your schedule in a way that keeps you doing the same type of job for longer chunks of time- a time for emails, a time for phone calls, a time for meetings... etc. It made sense to me because whenever I would give myself an hour to write I would feel rushed and depleted of creativity, distracted with thoughts of the never ending list of "other things" I needed to do soon. But this week was different. This week I planned my schedule like the lady said, working on MFC stuff all at once one day, and Beauty Arise stuff on a different day, and I saved the best for last, I made Friday my writing day. You can imagine how excited I was to wake up this morning, like a little kid on the first day of summer break. Thank you Lord for Friday.

I've been sitting here in a quiet space typing away with coffee at arms length and some water too so I don't die of dehydration, and classical music on my pandora station which is maybe a bit of an overkill but I thought it might make me feel even more like a real life writer. Everything is in place except of course the words, which I am trying to find now.

Sometimes I feel like I am racing, like I'm running through life at full speed attempting to fill my emptiness with busy-ness, afraid that if I slow down, then I'll feel, and that if I feel then I won't know what to do with my feelings and then I'll just dissolve into a puddle of mush on the ground. I don't even mean to do it. Its just hard to know how to focus and who to focus on and it seems like there are always so many things and people and needs fighting for my attention. So without knowing what to do I just race on full-speed ahead, hoping that if I get more done then the yucky feelings will die away. Of course they don't and they won't, not by racing at least. 

Almost 2 years ago I met with a pastor over coffee. Some would argue that she was actually the pastor’s wife but she also did pastor jobs so in my book she is a pastor too. Not only was she a pastor and the wife of a pastor but she was also a homeschooling mother to 6 children, and a working actress and model. You can imagine how bewildered I felt looking at this woman’s life. I was enamored by her, how could someone be so poised and lovely in appearance while also being so involved in all of these other places? When I asked how she managed to balance it all she gave me a glorious bit of wisdom that I have savored ever since. She said that God gives us all kinds of gifts and roles but He doesn’t intend for us to operate in all of them all at once. She said in some seasons she is more mother than actress, and in others she more actress than pastor; she is always faithful to God and to her family so that part never changes, but what varies is how she chooses to spend her time and energy in each chapter of her life. At that time she felt that the Lord had directed her to focus primarily on helping her children adjust to a recent move and so she had laid down some acting jobs in order to be fully present for her family and the church. She concluded her thoughts by expressing that regardless of how she is spending her time in a given season, she is never shy to claim the gifts God has given her, for instance, even if she hasn’t had a role in movie for several years she still confidently tells people she is an actress because she knows it is an important part of who God made her to be. I liked her answer so much, especially because she didn’t seem to be running in the way that I feel like I am running sometimes. She seemed rested and alive to the moment. I wanted that. I still want that. 

I am a wife of a handsome and Godly skater man who started and now directs an international ministry to skateboarders. I am a sister to Meredith and a sister to many other girls and women who have become like family over the last 26 years of my life. I am also a sister to a whole bunch of brothers, mostly skateboarders, who have shared a roof with us, some for months and others for years. These men have become my family too and I feel it most when they are dating girls because I get overprotective and a little weird and I know it can only be attributed to feeling like a big sister who needs to protect them from getting their hearts broken. I am a director of two different organizations that together encompass most of why I feel I was put on this earth. In one I am leading girls and women around the world to be who they were created to be and to understand their God-given beauty, identity, and value. In the other I am reaching out to professionals in the fashion and entertainment industries and inviting them to know the love of God and use their influence to impact the world for Christ. I live for that stuff. I am a blogger and a listener and a writer and a party thrower and a missionary who lives in a room at a church and doesn’t get paid but rather raises financial support from Christians who believe in what we are doing. I am a talker who loves to read and walk and win at sports. I am an intercessor, the crazy type of lady who prays for big things and little things and everything only because when I’m not praying I am worrying and I'm convinced that praying is much better than worrying. I am a communicator who would rather send a card than an email and would rather have coffee than skype. I like to shovel snow but I don’t like to pump my own gas. I like to mow the lawn but I don’t like to garden. I love California and Colorado and Spain and Chile and India.. and I think maybe everywhere else we have been too. I am a lot of things but I'm learning that I can’t be all of them all at once. Its too much and if I try it will destroy me. 

I want to slow down. I think I need to slow down. I can feel God inviting me to slow down, slowing me to a still. It's funny how desperate I am for Him. I need Him to lead me, I need Him to empower me, and I need him even to slow me down when I am racing beyond His will. It’s like a child who finds out her Mama is taking her for ice cream and then in her excitement she takes off running ahead to get to the ice cream shop as quickly as possible. Her mother slows her down, not because running is a bad thing, but because her running could lead her to bad things. She could get lost or end up in dangerous traffic, or even just miss out on the experience of being with her Mama as together they walk to their favorite place. 

God has promised me great places and I have taken off running. I’m slowing now though. Not because He is mad at me but because my running could get me lost, or take me to a dangerous place, or because it could cause me to miss this journey of being with Him. As I slow to a walk, and breathe deeply, I am assured that I can be everything He has created me to be while only giving my attention to some things in this season. One friend of ours who is famed in the world of skateboarding told us that since he knows he can't be there for everyone who wants his attention his goal is to do for one person what he wishes he could for everyone. Shaun and I think that is good advice. 

It's okay to say no. Its necessary even. And it is good to say yes to important things, like writing on Fridays. We all have gifts and roles and lots of things that we are called to do here on this earth, but we can't do them all at once. We aren't meant to. It is important to slow down. 

God is taking me to my favorite places and I am learning that I don’t need to race to get there. Besides if I am racing then I'll spill my coffee, and who would want to waste a perfectly good pumpkin spiced latte? 

Exactly. No one.

In the heart of slowing down here are some photos of our Palm Springs getaway a few weeks ago. Shaun and I hope to make a habit of "weekend getaways". Our goal is for them to be free or nearly free and a time to connect and prepare for the following week. They don't even need to be "away" necessarily, but they need to be a time of disengaging with work life and online life and any other life that takes away from our life together. We want to be intentional about our family and friends that feel like family, and about pursuing the heart of God. I'm 5 years into marriage, 7 years into trusting Jesus, and 26 years into life. 
Praise the Lord. Slowing down is a good thing. 

Thank you!

September is nearing its end and October is just around the corner. Unfortunately southern California missed that memo though and we have been melting over here with temperatures hitting over 100 degrees for most of the week! Thanks be to the God who created iced coffee and sandals, we are all coping quite well and counting down the days until we stop sweating long enough to put on a light cardigan and scarf. When that glorious moment happens you will definitely know about it because a shameless selfie will be in order and I’ll be counting on you to celebrate with us!

Thank you so much to all of you who were praying for us and cheering us on in New York City last week! We had an amazing outreach with Models For Christ and Beauty Arise and though I won’t be posting details on my blog about it I do plan to send a private email update about the week. If you would like to be on the list of happy folks receiving my message then please let me know by leaving a comment or by emailing beautyarise@ywamla.org!

I am going to be sharing a fresh blog post here soon, so I will wrap this one up now but just want you to know that I am grateful for you and hope you are doing well! If you haven’t followed @beautyarise on instagram don’t miss out. Our friend and newest Beauty Arise staff member Grace Penhale (@mydarlinglight) is now heading up our IG game and you can count on it being worth your double taps. She is a hero. 

Love you guys! 

dancing lemons.

When I was a little girl, 7 I think, I saw a commercial about lemons. I think it may have actually been trying to sell me some kind of lemon-lime soda or maybe a particular grocery store, but regardless, it sold me lemons. The commercial was a kaleidoscope of bright fresh lemons dancing around the screen with the perfectly summery shades of flamingo pink and lime green in there too. Every so often there would be a spritz of sparkly lemon-juice that would happen exactly to the rhythm of the island music in the background and I remember it made me really thirsty. After I saw it for the first time I rushed to the living room to declare some really good news, “Mom! Lemons are my favorite fruit!” My mom is so cute and I remember her laughing and sweetly attempting to tell me that she didn’t actually think lemons were my favorite. In fact she made what I thought to be preposterous claims about the fruit, she told me that they were sour and that they made me cringe. She even said I had tried them before and really not liked them. But after seeing that commercial I knew she must be crazy because there was no way I would cringe at the sparkling refreshing taste of a dancing lemon. I mean come on. So I guess I wouldn’t let down because my mama decided that the best way to show me would be to let me take a bite of a lemon myself. She had tried to protect me from the experience but I insisted that I wanted it. Mom found me a lemon from the fridge and let me dig in. I didn’t dig for long... in fact I don’t think I dug past the first lick... immediately my face folded up, nose squished, my tongue was trying to escape the sour trauma I had forced her into, my eyes jammed tightly shut, and I squeaked out something like,  “I was wrong mom... I think strawberries are my favorite.” 

26 year old Jessica is really not so different from 7 year old Jessica. 

You know the plastic frames around license plates that give you a glimpse into the life of the driver? Sometime they just say the name of the dealership where the car was purchased. Other times they tell you where the driver graduated from. Sometimes they are covered in rhinestones and tell you that the driver was probably Prom Queen or a cheerleader or dancer, or maybe wished she was those things but instead just settled for the sparkly frame. Anyway, I don’t get too enamored by the rhinestones or the dealership ones, but those alumni ones sure dance around my mind like the lemons did. I see them and think things like, “Wow what an incredible feeling it must have been to go to that school, or graduate from that university. They must have an incredible life. She must feel so satisfied.” 

Today I pulled up to Trader Joe’s at the same time as a UCLA grad who was clearly a few years older than me. I felt awkwardly compelled to linger near her and interview her about her life. What job did she get? Did she get married? How much money does she make? Does it feel good? Is her husband handsome? Is he affectionate? Is she a stay-at-home-mom or a doctor? Is she happy? Thankfully I kept my stalker questions to myself but I still wondered... and envied a little bit. Not because I want to go to UCLA, I’d actually prefer Pepperdine or Azusa since we are on the topic, but because there’s a part of me that thinks if I just had that degree then maybe I’d feel better sometimes. I have more times than I’d like to admit where I look back and think about what would have happened if I had chosen university over missions. Who would I have married then? Where would I live? What would we do? 

It makes me sad to acknowledge that truth because I live such a wonderful life with an undoubtedly dreamy husband, but I’d be lying to deny it. I know I’m not the only one who feels it. 

It may not be about education or a different spouse, but we all have “lemons”. Things we crave and think we love and things we claim to need in order to fulfill us. Things we think would refresh us but will ultimately make us cringe. Things that our heavenly Father, and probably our sweet Moms too, would gently remind us we don’t actually need right now or aren’t actually missing out on. Things like a degree, better career, smaller pant-size, different relationship status, new baby, new ring, new home or new car, these things can become a kaleidoscope of temptation offering up refreshment that they likely won’t bring. End even if acquiring these things could ultimately enhance our lives, the heartache of envying people who already have them, is far more agonizing than my 7-year-old lemon encounter. 

I have friends who long to have babies or be engaged so this particular time of year makes it extra painful to be on Facebook when every other post on our feed is a newborn or new ring. One friend longs to be thin and is inwardly tormented by the idea that life would be better if her pant size was smaller. Another friend, a beautiful and successful working professional with a body that girls envy and an adorable home, spends most of her day wrestling with her desire to be married and having babies already. Married friends long to travel, missionary friends long for a place to call “home”, friends from home long to make more money and nail down their dream job... its an ongoing list of people and their “lemons”.

I don’t know what lemons are dancing around your brain today but I just wanted you to know that you probably aren’t missing much. You have done a great job getting yourself to this point in your life, and even if it looks vastly different than you expected, I pray that you will take your eyes off the ‘lemons’ you wish you had, and focus on the gifts right in front of you. What blessings are staring you in the face? What did you work hard to achieve, but have since forgotten about because of your zeal to move forward to the bigger and better? Who is in your life who could use your presence, your words, your listening ears? 
We all have so much to be thankful for.

You are a treasure and your life is abounding with blessings. They may be harder to find in this season of your life, but I promise they are there. As you practice gratitude for what you already have, you will discover new strength to pursue the things you really want. I’m learning that even if we do decide we actually want something, like an education or a smaller pant size, we will have a far more wonderful journey pursuing it if we are operating from a place of contentment rather than a place of greed or envy. 

Don’t let those dancing lemons fool you.  

That’s all.

"Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (Phil. 4:11-13) 

This week I am thankful for last week's Montana memories with my sweet nieces.